Doubling

I am happy to report that all is good in beta-land!;

Beta #1, 13DPO: 202

Beta #2, 15DPO: 453

Beta #3, 17DPO: 1096!!

My betas have more than doubled each time so we are looking good :-)
My first and only ultrasound with my RE will be on Tues, 8/26 so I have just over 2 weeks to wait and (try not to) worry.  As long as everything is good I'll be released to my OB after that.

W O W.

I am starting to believe this now.  I still can't wrap my brain around what a miracle this is though. I am in awe and am so thankful and feel so blessed.  (I am also scared but I think that will be a post for another time.)

Petey is definitely on my mind. I am both so happy about this and so sad that I should have been bringing my Petey home this week.  When I start feeling really sad I let myself miss him/her but I also try to think that maybe this was Petey's gift to me and that s/he's giving me the 'okay' to feel good about this miracle.
I hope so anyway <3

My little Petey and my little Rainbow in one.

I can't believe it

My sign came through for me.

I am pregnant.

I am pregnant!!!

I actually got the urban legend miracle BFP - no doctors, no medications, no thousands of dollars... I can't believe it. I can't stop the tears from coming.

I finally got the experience I've been wanting for for more than 2 years - I was able to run into the bedroom waving my positive pee stick in Hubs face and he was as shocked as I and we laughed and cried and hugged and jumped up and down. It took 26 months and a whole lot of pain to get this moment but we finally got it.
I can't believe it.

I'd been waiting this whole time until tomorrow at 13DPO to test since I'm working from home tomorrow and fully expected a BFN but after last night's rainbow I couldn't wait another day. I never truly thought we would be so fortunate though.
I just cannot believe it.

Maybe being pregnant with Petey reset my hormones to where they needed to be.
Maybe all our prayers worked.
Maybe all the exercise and weight loss had an effect.
Maybe my sweet little Petey pulled some strings for me.

I really don't know. All I know is that I am thankful. I am nervous and I am scared to death and I am excited. I miss my Petey but I am happy too.

I will call the RE today to see when I can come in for a beta. They are going to be shocked.

Please stick baby. Please be healthy. Please be our take-home rainbow baby.

Whoop whoop!

Beta #3 today came back at 386 (we were hoping for at least 306)!  Woo hoo! Game on!!  

My first ultrasound has been scheduled for next Friday, 12/20 to confirm the fetal pole and yolk sac. That is so weird to type. 
I feel like I'm writing it about someone else.

It is slowly starting to sink in here and there that I am actually pregnant which simultaneously gives me bouts of excitement and feelings of being...lost. I've identified for so long as being infertile that now that I'm not I can't figure out what to be/how to be. You would have thought that after trying so hard for this that I'd be ready to hit the ground running the second I got my BFP but not so much. I know everything there is to know about infertility. I know NOTHING about pregnancy. I went out today and picked up "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and I'm sitting here looking at it over on the coffee table and trying to make myself believe that there's actually a reason for me (ME - chickin!) to read it!  It is all so strange.

So now that things are looking good in beta-land, it seems this blog will be morphing from an IF blog into a pregnancy blog. I am so conscious of the fact that many of my beloved stalkers, ahem, readers are currently struggling with IF so I don't quite know yet how to make a gracious transition into talking about pregnancy/baby stuff.  I certainly know how hard it can be to hear this stuff so I just want to verbalize that I completely understand that those of you who have been been active readers/commenters may not be able to do that anymore as it might be too difficult.  I love all you girls so much and will understand if that happens.  I just want to say though, that I can't imagine having gone through all of this without you girls to keep me sane and I am so so grateful for the good friends I've made throughout the last 1.5 years.  Rest assured I will still be stalking you all good and proper and will be constantly rooting for you and sending positive vibes!  I may be pregnant now (weird!) but you're not getting rid of me that easily :-)

Beta #2: I'm calling it!

I'M PREGNANT!!!

Beta #2 was 153 which means my hCG more than doubled in 48 hours. Hooraaaaaay!!!  

I was SO anxious to get the test results back today that I was actually making myself feel sick but in the end, nothing to worry about!  I'll go back again Tuesday for a 3rd beta just because these were slightly early (my first beta wasn't supposed to be until tomorrow) but because of today's results I'm feeling good. I feel like I can finally start to try to believe this and start to get excited.

And now, since I am obsessed with posting pictures of my pee sticks...

That's an awfully purty line this morning! AND my bleeding has stopped!!!

Gotta love Tina Fey

I'm so excited!!!!!!

Beta #1!

The difference is slightly more impressive in real life.

Good news!  Beta #1 came back at 73!  The nurse said that this early (today's 9dp5dt) we should hope for 70 so we are currently right on target!   The bleeding has lessened a bit since last night and my HPT was a bit darker today too!  These are all good things! Ahhh!  I am starting to let the thought that this might be for real sneak in :-)

However, Beta #2 is Sunday AM and that will be the real test.  The nurse said that we want to see at least a 66% increase which would mean the goal is 121. Come on Pete!!!

She didn't have much to say about the bleeding. Obviously it's not a great thing but she said that some women do end up with bleeding but go on to have healthy pregnancies so we really don't know if this is anything to worry about or not. She said that if I keep bleeding and end up getting pain beyond the partial cramping I am having then they will check me for an ectopic.  However, right now there is nothing I can do so I'm going to remain slightly apprehensive (as my defense mechanism), while praying that Pete has snuggled firmly into my ute. 

Eeeeeeeee....!
Sunday afternoon cannot come fast enough!
 

Positively torturous

Yesterday at work I started bleeding. It began as spotting and when I saw it my stomach just dropped.  An hour later it had turned into AF - a light flow but definitely how my periods normally start.  I was crushed. I went back to my desk to pack up because I knew I couldn't stay there any longer, and my coworker (the one who has been so great through this whole process) saw my face and just knew. She came over and gave me a huge hug and I lost it.  I cried hard but as silently as I could into her shoulder. I couldn't help the huge gasping breaths every now and then though so I can only imagine what kinds of questions she got after I left.  Sigh.  

Once I got out to my car I REALLY lost it (I'm talking blubbering/snotting all over myself) and then cried most of the way through my 1.5 hr drive home.  I was dreading telling my husband when I got home and it was every bit as awful as I thought it would be. Needless to say it was not a good night as Hubs and I came to terms with the knowledge that this IVF cycle failed. I was so sad and felt so dumb because even though I knew we only had a 45ish% chance of it working, I just always thought it WOULD work. I didn't mentally prepare myself for it failing.  I had been so focused on making it until next Monday's beta that I allowed myself to be completely side-swiped by the fact that if it was negative, I wouldn't MAKE it to Monday because I'd get AF before then.

I decided I would take an HPT in the morning so that when I call the RE to let them know I got my period I could also report the BFN and hopefully they'd move my beta to Friday so I could start to move on.

However........

This morning, this happened:

HO.LY.SHIT.  I was SHOCKED. Hubs was shocked.  We have no idea how to feel and are SO apprehensive.

After being so crushed just last night, it's hard to feel positive about this - particularly because I am still bleeding quite a bit (it's a light-medium flow at this point).  I have no idea if this is going to be a viable pregnancy and this is just some kind of breakthrough bleeding or if I'm currently in the process of losing it. I am hoping so hard that when I test tomorrow AM the line is darker. 

I called the RE office and the nurse agreed to push my beta up to be tomorrow AM so thankfully I will only have to be tortured with wondering what's going on until I hear back tomorrow afternoon.  If it's positive then the second beta will be Sunday.

::Sigh:: I'm afraid to be happy or truly believe this yet.  I always pictured getting my first BFP would be such an exciting and happy day - I'd see the line turn and then run into the bedroom waving the pee-stick in Hubs' face and we'd laugh and cry and hug and kiss.  Instead, I climbed solemnly back into bed, told him it was positive, and we laid there in the dark in shock and confusion, holding hands, afraid to be happy, unsure of how to feel.

Now, this has been the longest morning of my life. I cannot WAIT to get the number back tomorrow. I don't know whether to expect to crash back down into despair or if the IF rollercoaster is going to bring me up higher than ever.

I'll update again tomorrow PM but in the meantime, if you have any positive/sticky vibes to spare please send them my way!! <3

PS: Get the title?  "Positive"ly torturous?  Heh. I amuse myself.