Jack: 7 Months

Well, things have been interesting around here.

I'm in therapy. Hubs is in therapy. We're both on anti-depressants. (Mine seem to be working a bit better than his.) We're also both in PT twice a week for our backs. My parents left last week and I've been cobbling together help from friends and family every day since. It has been hard for me to take care of Jack on my own because a couple weeks ago I pinched a nerve in my neck and twisted funny at the same time, knocking my top 8 vertebrae out of alignment. That was fun. Thanks to PT I'm definitely on the mend and can now hold Jack (and lift him in and out of his crib) so that's a huge improvement. Next week we're going down to just Nanny J in the mornings and all me in the afternoons through bedtime.  Hopefully I'll be ok physically at that point. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous. Luckily though, we have a lot of loving people in our lives that are willing and able to help if I say the word.

Mentally/emotionally it's been a roller coaster.  I mentioned in a previous post that Hubs has been struggling with paternal postnatal depression, anxiety and OCD. It got really bad (and quite scary) for a while there. Turns out he had a bad reaction to the first med he tried so once he switched he got a bit better.  Then we got some tough medical news about Jack (more about that below) and he really spiraled downhill again. That one lasted for a while.  I don't have the energy to write about the hard times except to say that when it's hard it is REALLY REALLY hard, but luckily he seems to be coming out of the worst of it again now.  Thank God.  But during the brief respite of relief I think I was able to finally take a breath and focus a bit more on myself and it was then that I realized just how bad I was. I realized I've been fighting PPD (post partum depression) and I reached out and got some help.  Through therapy I'm now discovering I've been depressed for a long time, starting probably 2 years into infertility and extending through losing Petey, grieving, all the difficulties that go along with being pregnant after loss, receiving the shocking news at the end of my pregnancy about Jack's dwarfism, and now adjusting to life not just as a new mom with a baby but as one with a baby with special needs.  My therapist made a point to say that I have been through multiple traumas over the past few years. I never thought of it that way but she's right. I'm working on being okay.

As for Jack, he's doing awesome. He is such a sweet baby and really is the light of my life. The medical news I mentioned previously was two-fold: We happened to find out on the same day that 1) he'll need to have surgery soon to place ear tubes (it's scheduled for the day after Thanksgiving) and 2) his sleep study results came back and confirmed that not only does he have obstructive apnea (which we expected), but also central apnea which is the one we were hoping wouldn't be present.  Unfortunately the episodes of central apnea were much more prevalent than the obstructive so it's unlikely he'll grow out of it (central = neurological). This past Monday we went to Boston Children's Hospital yet again (quickly becoming our new home away from home) and met with a pulmonologist and the head of the sleep clinic. Jack is now set up with oxygen at night which will hopefully help him breathe better and more consistently. Right now he is not in a C-PAP mask (likely because he is so little) but in three months we have our follow up appt to evaluate the effectiveness and have a repeat sleep study to see if he's receiving enough oxygen through just the nasal cannula.  We haven't started the oxygen yet because we are still waiting for a part to come in but it is very weird to have respiratory equipment in his nursery now. I am not looking forward to having to try to wrangle him into this thing now every time he sleeps and honestly I'm going to be even MORE concerned about him at night now because I'll be worried he'll get the tubing wrapped around his neck :-(

As for the ear tubes: It's a routine surgery for lots of little kids so normally I wouldn't be concerned about it but he does need to go under anesthesia and kiddos with dwarfism often have complications with anesthesia. This will be his first experience with it so I'm not sure how it will go but I'm hoping for the best.  (I'm trying not to think about it much honestly.)

I feel like I've been taking the news in stride but Hubs hasn't been able to do that. He is in much worse shape than me and with every additional thing he just feels overwhelmed and extremely negative. He's having pervasive catastrophic thoughts so when I told him that Jack's study came back as positive for obstructive and central apnea he can't see it as: "Ok, we'll meet with specialists and figure out what will help him breathe better at night", he sees it as: "Oh my god, there's another medical issue with our child and he could die in his sleep and since it's central apnea he will have neurological issues and likely has spinal compression too (since central apnea can be a marker for compression) so he'll have to have back surgery and he'll probably have complications with the anesthesia and and and..."  I am sure it is exhausting. The anxiety reduces him to a paralyzed crying heap of a man who is stuck in his own head and unable to see his way out or gain perspective.  It's hard. And it's hard on me too. I am learning mental illness is a scary and unpredictable beast. It's an ailment - like a broken arm for instance - for which you need treatment (therapy and meds) but unlike a broken arm, you can't SEE your progress. You can't see it heal in tangible ways. You don't know what will re-injure you. You don't know how much longer it will take to be able to be back to full strength again.  It's tough. And I am already dreading the next "bad" news we get because I fully expect for him to spiral downward again. I just have to hope that he's learning tools in therapy, as I am, to be able to better handle the things that are thrown our way.

Our relationship, our marriage, is very different right now because he is very different right now.  He's not himself. And I am different too. It's impossible not to be now that Jack is here. And I think it's also impossible not to be after the things we have been through. It reminds me of this quote:

I think we'll be okay though. We're working through it; in our own ways and together. It will be a long process though. In the meantime I'm taking one day at a time and enjoying my little guy as much as I possibly can. He is just amazing.

Still waiting...

Warning: Pity Party commencing in 3...2...1...

When does it get easier? I'm still waiting for that magical happily ever after. Years of infertility, IVF, therapy, a hard pregnancy, learning halfway through that our child was severely mentally and physically deformed, having to terminate, grief, shame, sadness, more therapy, another hard (and scary) pregnancy, shocking news about his dwarfism just a few weeks before giving birth, relinquishing my goal of a vaginal birth, a hard recovery and infected c-section incision, those impossibly hard first few months with a newborn, continuing to fight post partum depression, trying to adjust to life as a SAHM, dealing with my own back pain as well as Hubs', our dog having behavioral issues since the baby came, in and out of Drs offices with Jack due to all his physical issues, developmental delays, physical therapy, falling behind with milestones, jealousy over everyone else's "normal" babies, getting bad news after bad news with each Dr appt...and now this. When does it get easier?!!

The "this" I am referring to is my husband's anxiety, depression and OCD. It appears he has paternal postnatal depression (PPND). I didn't even know that was a thing. I am the one with the fucked up hormones from giving birth!! But now he's said he feels like he has PTSD from everything - all the IF, our loss, coming to terms with Jack's condition, all the medical issues - all the stuff he apparently hasn't dealt with. After everything we have been through I honestly don't know what has been the hardest. I just know it sure as shit hasn't gotten any easier. When fighting IF I thought that once we finally got PG life would be better. It was what I had wanted for so long. And it finally happened. And it was a nightmare. Losing Petey was so much harder than IF. And then we had Jack and I thought our dream had come true. And it's true we have a beautiful wonderful son now and I am thankful. But he also has special needs and it is SO FUCKING HARD sometimes. And now not only can my husband not help care for him physically due to his back issues, he is no longer here mentally either. I feel so alone in this. It's the hardest thing I have ever done and I have no help. I have a baby with special needs and I have a husband who is needy and depressed and anxious and not sleeping and not eating and I am worried all day and all night. Now I am no longer sleeping either.  Now I am eating my emotions and gaining weight. Now I have no energy to take care of Jack and all the house stuff because I am so drained from focusing on Hubs and whether or not he's ok. Now I have to take care of him and Jack and everything else. Now I am unable to take care of myself because I have given every part of myself away. THANK GOD I hired that nanny. Without me being able to look forward to a handful of hours a week where I can get a break, I would have already completely broken apart. But even with that time to "recharge" I really don't know how much longer I can do this.

Hubs is now on meds and in therapy. It's been about two weeks now and no change besides bad side effects from the meds. I need for him to get better. I need my partner back. I don't know how to do this alone.
Hell, I probably need therapy too. Not sure how I'm gonna squeeze that one in. I don't even have time to edit this post.

So there's my update. In a nutshell: Things are not so good around here. #understatement

Jack: 3 Months

Hello poor neglected blog. Somehow I have a 3 month old! And he is AMAZING. I seriously love him more and more every day (which sounds kinda bad in my mind like I didn't love him all that much beforehand or something but whatever). I am delirious with love for this little guy. Well, with that and lack of sleep :-)

Big updates:
I quit my job. I went in for the last time to clean up and say goodbye this past Monday. It was so bittersweet. I was sad and while walking away I wasn't sure if I made the right decision or not. Then I got home and the second Jack saw me he gave me the biggest gummy smile I've ever seen and that answered my question right there. How can I NOT be home with this guy if I have the option to be?

Jack's health: He went through a phase a few weeks ago where he was screaming in pain almost every time he ate and my awesome eater went from having 4oz every 3 hrs like clockwork to barely eating 1oz before I gave up and just rocked him to sleep as the only way to soothe him and stop his crying. It was really sad and mealtimes were horrendous. Took him to doc and they suspected acid reflux. Changed formula to Similac No Spit-Up (even though he doesn't spit up) as it contains rice starch and that seemed to do the trick! He's now a total piglet.
We also stuck a wedge (aka folded-up blanket) under the head of his bassinet mattress and now he seems to be sleeping a bit better too. This has helped keep the acid down and has also helped with his snoring/gasping/waking himself up in the night. We're pretty sure he had sleep apnea. Very common with Achon. We have an appt to see Ear/Nose/Throat (ENT) doc to assess this and do a sleep study.
Also, Jack had his follow up appt with the Audiologist (since he failed both hearing tests in the hospital) and they confirmed that he does have hearing loss. Mild loss in one ear and just slight in the other. Again, common with Achon. For now we'll just continue to monitor it and hope it doesn't get worse. He will likely need ear tubes at some point around or even before his first birthday anyway so that might possibly help but we'll see if he needs a hearing aid down the line.
Finally, Jack has torticollus in his neck (prefers to always lay with his head to the same side and this is also causing a flat spot) so we contacted Early Intervention and will be starting physical therapy next week!
Things are moving along with him. Monitoring the issues we expected to come up and thankfully haven't had any unexpected things happen yet. Besides the ENT doc he also has upcoming appointments with the Geneticist and Nephrologist (kidney doc) and then his 4mo appt next month!

I've been in touch with my RE about next steps for me and Hubs regarding someday expanding our family since I suspect we will need to think long and hard about what we want to do. He did indeed suggest genetic testing for both of us and also PGD for our 3 frosties as "we can't be sure if they are genetically viable or not due to [my] pregnancy history". Ouch. I am very emotional about this. I've always thought of those 3 frosties as the completion of our family, just waiting for us. Now I have no idea what will happen. PGD could destroy them if we thaw and then refreeze any "viable" ones. We could go through all the steps (and meds) of a FET and then do PGD just before transfer to ensure we are transferring a healthy embie and then what if testing reveals we don't have a healthy one and they all have genetic issues? Would we make the decision to ::gulp:: destroy them? What if we transfer anyway and what happened to Petey happens to another little baby? I'm not sure my heart could take it. I'm not positive my heart can take ANY of this... It's a shitty shitty place to be.

But besides that emotional land mine I am doing well. My PP bleeding is still unpredictable even after being on BCPs for the last 2 months so that's fun. OB said we'll give it one more month and if I'm still bleeding we'll try a new med. Bleeding for the majority of the last 13 weeks sure has been fun though lemme tell ya! Things are good though. We're busy because it's summer and there's lots of family and friends around. Not much time to think but I am happy.


Here are some more pics of my beautiful baby. He's smiley, he can reach for his toys, he's learning to wave... He's just amazing. 3 months is shaping up to be a very fun age since he is finding ways to communicate and connect. Every new thing he does is just amazing to me. Every day I am grateful and can't believe he's ours. We MADE him. That is incredible.

Someone loves his daddy!

This one was almost the monthly update photo...

...or this one. "Who the heck is this guy?"

My little nugget back when he was 7 weeks old

And now at 13 weeks - such a big boy <3

7 weeks PP (almost)

At 6/7 weeks post-partum, things are getting much much better. We've been able to fall into more of a routine which has been very helpful for me.  The last couple weeks everybody was gone; my parents went back to FL, my MIL was back at work (so no longer visiting during the week), and Hubs was at work.  I will say it is a lot being the only one here with the baby all day every day (and then being responsible for him during the night too so that Hubs can sleep and actually be productive at work) but it is okay. In fact, I had  a moment last week when I was out shopping with Jack where I just felt happy and content with my new life. I can honestly say that's the first true time that has happened. I thought: "yeah, I can do this. I AM doing this..."  That's a big relief.

It's not to say it's not still hard because it is, particularly around 4am when I've been with Jack all day, Hubs took him for a couple hours after he got home from work to give me a break, then I was with the baby all night too and then he just decides he doesn't want to go down again after his middle of the night feeding - it's then when I just have a slight breakdown from exhaustion and so much broken sleep and I bring him to Hubs crying. He's always good about taking Jack at those times though. He gets up quickly, grabs the baby and tells me to just go to bed and not worry about it. Sometimes I just cry with relief.  

Things are good though. Jack is sleeping for longer stretches during the night and is up a lot during the day so it seems he's got his nocturnal thing kicked. Hooray! I would say I'm able to have a pretty normal life now where I usually get an okay amount of sleep at night now (although quite broken up), often can get a chance to get in a nap in the late morning if I make myself take a break (hard to do when there's laundry, dishes, cleaning, food shopping, errands, showering, etc. to do), and now I'm able to predict with some amount of certainty how much time I have to run errands, etc. based on his sleeping and eating schedule. During the day he eats 4oz every 3 hours like clockwork now. It's pretty awesome. At night he stretches that to more like 4-4.5 hours. In his bassinet. In our room. NOT in the living room (or in my arms) anymore. That is EXTREMELY awesome.

Stopping breastfeeding/pumping has done wonders for me both mentally and physically. I made the decision to stop last week. It was hard for me to decide to stop but in the end I am very glad I did. It was just too hard. I couldn't the find time to do it, the amount of milk I'd get during a pumping session just kept dwindling and dwindling, I was exhausted, disappointed, feeling like a failure, feeling crazy... it was better for us both that I stopped. I have been a better mother because of it. And Jack is still healthy, happy and growing well.  I don't know what took me so long or why I beat myself up so much trying so hard to make something work that just wasn't going to work. I feel so much relief now.

I had my 6week post partum check up last Wed.  My c-section incision is infected. ::Sigh:: I kind of knew it but just didn't have time(?) to deal with that problem. I should have made it a priority but I just didn't. The doctor told me sternly: "You need to rest more so you can heal". I told her that's impossible. She told me to figure it out because that's what needs to happen. So, we flew my parents back up here yet again from FL a few days ago. Hubs ended up having to go to San Francisco for work all this week and there was a zero percent chance I'd be able to get any rest whatsoever without him here so it was either hire someone through care.com who I don't know and I'd have to teach them the ropes/worry about them with Jack, or just use that money to fly my parents back up again.  No brainer. Man, I'm glad they're retired!!  They'll be here through Saturday when Hubs gets home. I was a little worried about bringing them back since last time they were here I was in a bad place mentally and kept having crying breakdowns so I sort of equated those feelings with them being here, but things have gotten so much better over the past couple weeks. I'm feeling so much better and more like myself (albeit still constantly tired).  I'm not sure if it was post-partum hormones taking a handful of weeks to sort themselves out or if it was hormone changes from  BF (or maybe from actually stopping BF/pumping) but I'm just in a much better place now.

Anywho, back to the dr appt: So yeah, my incision is infected. I'm on antibiotics for the next week and have to clean and redress the area 3 times a day while getting air to it for chunks of time each day so that's fun. Besides that, I've been cleared for sex again! Yahoo! Only...not. I have had absolutely no interest in sex for oh, 9 months or so, so I'm not exactly champing at the bit to get some action. Poor hubs. But, that seems to be changing a bit as I go longer and longer without BF so maybe that's coming back. That means I'm back on birth control pills now. I am just REALLY hoping that those will get me back to how I was feeling 3 years ago when I went off of them for the first time when we started trying to conceive. (Y'know, before my hormones went mental from taking all kinds of fertility meds, then getting PG, then PG loss, then PG again, then BF... it's been quite a journey with that)

Other body changes: 

• My weight has leveled off at about 5 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight so that's good.
• The extra flap of skin on my stomach that used to sort of hang over my incision scar has mostly stretched back. It's still flabby though and I'm sure it will be for a while until I can actually start working out..
  
• I still cannot get my engagement ring back on my finger :-( I am so sad about that!! I've been able to wear my wedding band since about 3w PP but that diamond just will not make it back on. At this point I'm not sure what to do. Unless I start a weight loss program that thing will not be making an appearance anytime soon.
• PP bleeding stopped somewhere between 5-6w after birth. It's been really nice to not have to wear a pad constantly. I feel bad for Jack who has to wear a diaper around the clock!
• My face is fatter than it used to be and I now have ever-present bags under my eyes.
• My feet went back to normal a couple weeks after birth (thank GOD) but my toes look horrific. I really need a pedicure. I wasn't able to reach my toes for while there and now I just don't have time! When I finally get one it's gonna be like that scene in Dumb and Dumber.
  
• My back pain has mostly dissipated now which is a huuuuge relief. I have still been going to the chiropractor twice a week and am not sure if it's actually helping or not but I continue to go.  I think the excruciating pain was lingering stuff from the c-section and from my body (ligaments, etc.) going back to where they used to be before pregnancy. I'm so thankful I can walk and do things again without feeling like my back is going to go out on me at any moment.
• Finally, my breasts are gross now. They are pretty much ruined, haha.  Flat, misshapen, no longer perky by any stretch of the imagination... The nips were relatively mutilated for a while there but they are healing up now which is a very good thing. Ah well - the price you pay to have this beautiful little guy: 

I'll take the sacrifice :-)

He is doing awesome. He's focusing so much more now. He recognizes mine and Hubs' voices and looks around for us. He looks at his toys, he looks at our faces...he melts my heart! And I just KNOW there's a real smile right around the corner. I cannot WAIT :-)

Jack: One Month

Me: One Month

I would say I am doing better since my last post. Granted, I'm a week late since Jack is actually 5 weeks old today but things don't feel quite so hard and overwhelming at the moment. (Thankfully.)

My parents left this past Sunday. They were a HUGE help during a time when I really needed it but I'm actually kind of glad they're gone now because now this is "real life". THIS is now our life - mine and Hubs - and we're figuring out how to navigate it. It was impossible to start to do that until they left.  Over the past few weeks though I was having a hard time adjusting to all the changes and lack of sleep and lack of schedule, plus I was having excruciating back pain which made it very difficult to do much of anything so we really needed them. But my back pain has gotten much better (again: Thankfully) and little man has now started sleeping at night! I cannot tell you what a relief that is.  We've been able to get on somewhat of a schedule now and it has been so helpful for my mental state.  A couple weeks ago I also created a daily spreadsheet so I could track what Jack did every half hour of the day (whether he was awake, asleep, fussy, crying, etc.) plus when he ate and how much, when he had dirty diapers, when we gave him meds, etc.  Call me crazy but it has been SO HELPFUL.  There are seriously times I can barely remember my own name let alone the last time he ate or how much it was, and when my parents were here there were four adults participating in his care (seriously - FOUR for one little baby and I still felt overwhelmed - that goes to show what a mindfuck PP hormones are), and so I never really had a handle on if he was developing some sort of natural schedule or not. Turns out - he was! I was able to discover some relatively reliable times for naps, etc. and using the charts we were able to better "plan" his meals and sleep to work better during the days and nights (as much as you can plan with a newborn that is). Things feel so much more manageable in that regard now and it has helped me so much mentally.

Breastfeeding is still... a topic I don't like talking or thinking about.  I do feel like I failed there. 
I have been exclusively pumping for the last couple weeks. I hate it.  I hate the way it feels, I hate being hooked up to a machine milking myself like a cow, I hate the cracked and painful state of my nipples, I hate that I still have almost no supply to speak of...  I stopped actually nursing him a couple weeks ago for multiple reasons:
-Whenever Jack would nurse it would take him almost an hour - to the point where I didn't really know if he was still getting anything or just using me as a human pacifier - and then he'd still be hungry and we'd have to give him formula anyway. We never knew how much milk he was actually getting, and when he nursed sometimes he'd be really fussy and extra gassy. After 1 hr of nursing plus feeding formula, by the time he was all burped it was already almost time for him to eat again! It was like around-the-clock feedings.
-He seems to be a very gassy baby in general. We haven't been able to tell if it's due to my breastmilk or to the kind of formula we're feeding him so I started exclusively pumping and giving a bottle of BM for one feeding during the day to see if he got gassier after that vs. formula.  But honestly, we still haven't figured it out.
-I am barely producing milk.  At this point it seems most women produce at least 60ml (2 oz) per breast during each pumping for a total of 4oz each time - some women much much more. I produce 15-25ml from one breast and <5ml from the other each time I pump (why, I don't know.). That's less than 1oz combined each time (and that's with a hospital-grade pump that I ended up renting since I wasn't sure if the problem was that the Medela PISA I have wasn't strong enough). But Jack eats up to 3.5oz during each feeding so it takes me FOUR pumping sessions just to create enough for one feeding. Doing this has proven to me that even if I were to try every trick in the book to up my supply, it would never be enough to really BF him.  That makes me sad but I am also cutting myself some slack. I am unwilling to drive myself crazy trying to make this happen. Currently I still pump enough to give him 1 bottle a day so I am continuing to do that so he gets the antibodies, etc. that formula can't give him. Honestly though, it is really hard. It's almost impossible to find time to pump since I'm the only one here with Jack during the day and choosing pumping over sleeping in the middle of the night makes me so resentful since it's so hard to get sleep as it is. For now though, I'm continuing to do it. I don't know how long I'll keep it up. I really don't think I can for too much longer. I don't know if this means I'm not a good mom since I'm unwilling to do anything and everything possible to make this happen. Logically I know it's not true but emotionally, it's hard. I just try to remind myself that Jack is happy, healthy, and growing and that is what is important.

Other stuff:
I have just about mastered the art of doing EVERYTHING with one hand.  Preparing food, grooming myself, eating, laundry, cleaning, peeing... everything.  And my left arm is gonna be jacked soon since it is constantly holding the equivalent of a wiggly 10 pound dumbbell.

We have another appointment with the geneticist this afternoon for more tests regarding Jack's dwarfism.  There has been no real progress in that department yet.  As he's growing a bit I'm starting to see more signs of the dwarfism. His forehead is getting larger and slightly more prominent. I'm hoping it won't turn into hydrocephalus ("water on the brain") but that's a common complication with Achon kiddos. We'll see.  Hubs and I (and the doctors) do still think he has Achon, or maybe even Hypochondroplasia, which is very similar to Achondroplasia but is a bit more mild than Achon, but we'll have to see.

As mentioned in the picture write-up, Jack is starting to be able to focus his eyes on things now. Sometimes, that is my face. Those are my absolute favorite times. He'll study my face and I can see him looking at my mouth or nose or hair... It gives me hope that better times are right around the corner (as many of you awesome readers mentioned in comments in my last post - THANK YOU!!). I am feeling so much relief about that. I need to often remind myself during the really hard times that things will NOT always be like this and change for-the-better will be coming soon.

He slept the whole time.

Jack and I went on our first "outings" yesterday besides dr appts! I'm finally feeling well enough to do more things and walk some. We went to Kohl's and Walmart and then for a walk on a path around a nearby lake.
It was nice to go out in the world and just be a mom. Finally.  It was so different. I had to think about things I've never though about before: The order in which I would take the baby in and out of the car, when and where to put my purse and bags in the car vs. cart, figuring out how to fold up the stroller and fit it in the trunk, parking near the cart return so I could transfer him in his carseat right into the cart... These things seem like minutiae but they're all new to me!
Unfortunately, I did end up overdoing it yesterday and my abdomen/incision area was very sore last night. I was also exhausted by about 8pm (but had to do the night stretch with Jack) so I learned my lesson. Even though I don't want to, I really DO need to force myself to rest more during the day and try to fit in a nap at some point when he's napping so that I can make it through the night shift in one piece.

My 6 week PP checkup with the OB is already next week!  When we scheduled it I was still in the hospital and it felt SO far away. It's crazy that it's already almost here.  This time since Jack's birth has gone so quick but has also felt so long at the same time. It's hard to explain.


Okay, little man will be waking up soon for another feeding so I should wrap up. I just want to say a HUGE thanks to everyone who commented on my last post.  I think you all know me well enough to know that I try to be as frank as possible on this blog and talking about all of that stuff was difficult so I really REALLY appreciate the support. The comments that others have been in this place too was so so helpful to me. THANK YOU <3

Postpartum "baby blues"

**Warning: This might be a hard post to read for loss mamas or anyone still fighting IF**

Postpartum hormones are no joke.

When I was pregnant, moms on my Success After IF (SAIF) groups would talk about them and I'd sort of pay attention like "yeah, yeah, I'll be hormonal, it'll be fine" but I didn't really put too much stock in it. In my naivete I think I assumed that since we had gone through so much with IF and loss I'd A) know how to handle it and B) probably wouldn't be too effected by it since we worked so HARD for this little guy and would be so THANKFUL to have him.

But I don't know how to handle it.

And the fact that we worked hard for him doesn't mean shit.

This is SO HARD.  There is no way to accurately describe it.  My whole life changed overnight. I thought I was prepared - mentally, emotionally, physically... But really, there is no way to truly prepare for the all-encompassing difference having a child makes in your life. I feel like I need to warn others who are still TTC or something: You want this but it is nothing like you are picturing!  You are not adding a baby into your current life, your life will become your baby. It will no longer be your own! You will be a slave, body and soul, to an adorable little blob of a baby. S/he will become your entire world in the blink of an eye. You thought you knew what exhaustion was but you will learn the true meaning of it real quick. You will have times when you wonder what the hell you did and question why you wanted this.  You will feel like you ruined your life and your marriage. You will wonder how things will get better - if you will ever sleep again or have a life again. You will wonder how things will turn out in the end and if you will ever feel happy again.

This is just the first month though. I have hope that it will get better.  NO, I KNOW  it will get better. That's what everyone says anyway; that this is just a phase and it's so hard and when you're in it it feels never-ending but that it does get better.  And honestly? It has to get better or no one would have a second child.

There are good times too.  I love Jack more than I know how to express.  There are times that I look at him and feel like my heart is just going to burst.  There are times I look at this precious little thing and can't believe he is ours and that we got so lucky. Times when I am so thankful that we are finally holding our son in our arms and we never have to let go.

People keep asking me how I'm doing. I don't know how to answer them.

Truthfully? I am a mess.  I love my baby but I am a mess. I can't get my shit together. My brain is mush and no longer works in the way it used to. Tiny decisions feel overwhelmingly hard.  It takes days to get one small task done.  All thoughts just swirl around and around in my brain and I can't make heads or tails of them. I cry.  I cry so so often. I am SO tired. I am afraid I'll never be myself again. I'm afraid I'm a terrible mother. I'm afraid this is my new normal. I'm afraid I won't be able to adjust.  I'm afraid that I will hate my new life.
....I'm afraid I made a mistake.
Oh, but by the way, I love my baby more than I can say and he is adorable and sweet and I'm so glad we finally have him!

Please tell me how I answer that in a text message? I sound like a complete crazy person.

I feel awful and guilty about having any kind of negative thoughts or emotions. I am so conscious of all the women I know who are still fighting infertility. Of those who had losses or those who had babies with severe health issues. All of the women who would kill to be in the position I am in now.  I realize how hard it may be for them to read this. But this is also my reality. And I want to be truthful about it because if I can't be honest here, where can I be?

The truth is, this is hard. (We need a more accurate word in the English language to describe just how hard.) Someday I know it will be rewarding.  Today is not that day. Right now, there are times when I wonder how I will make it through another day like this, or sometimes even just another hour. I feel so guilty wishing this time would be over and we'd get on to the "good part" where Jack can interact with us and be more of a person instead of just a dependent, crying (adorable) blob. I worked so hard for three years to have him and I should be enjoying it, dammit!! The guilt makes me cry. The exhaustion makes me cry. The all-encompassing feeling of being completely overwhelmed makes me cry...

People don't really talk about this part of parenting. "Baby blues" - HA. I think a more accurate title would be "exhaustion-induced lunacy".
A few days ago I reached out to other mamas in my SAIF group for help. I'm so glad I did.  They reassured me that this is all NORMAL. That so so many new mothers (maybe all new moms?) go through this phase and that this is the hardest time and it is harder than you could ever imagine until you're in it. But that is DOES end.  That you do move on from this phase and it does become rewarding and that this too shall pass.

I would not classify myself as having post partum depression (PPD) or post partum anxiety (PPA) but I think I can see just how easily it could happen. It's scary to feel out of control and like your brain isn't working in the same way that it used to. Add crazy hormones and severe exhaustion into the mix and that would be hard for anyone.
I am keeping an eye on my "blues" to make sure I don't need real help (therapist or meds) but if I do, I will contact my OB. In the meantime, I will continue living from hour to hour, often unable to think ahead beyond the next three hour stretch of change-feed-burp-soothe-sleep until this phase passes. And I will try like hell to enjoy moments with my beautiful son whenever my crazy brain allows me to.

Thank you for reading this jumbled mess.


Two links to articles on PPD/PPA:

Why So Many Women Don't Seek Help for PPD

This is What Postpartum Depression Feels Like

Quick Update: 3 Weeks

Little Jack is 3 weeks old today!  I can't believe it has already been 3 weeks and at the same time, it feels like he's been with us for so much longer!

This past Monday we ended up flying my parents up from Florida a week earlier than they were scheduled to come. Hubs went back to work that day and the thought of me up with the baby pretty much all night long and then alone with him all day as well was so overwhelming that we decided I couldn't do it right now without the help. For the first two weeks we had either my MIL or SIL here more days than not (plus Hubs was still on paternity leave) so it felt manageable albeit hard. With Hubs back to work and no help available I admit I was scared I wouldn't be able to handle it.  I'm so glad they are here. (And they're so glad they're here!) They have been taking care of meals, errands, and any little thing we need them to do, plus have been an extra set of hands. It has been SO helpful.  Especially since my back pain is now so bad that sometimes I am having trouble moving at this point. It is very scary. As of today I can tell that I am just one movement away from it officially going out on me. If that happens I really don't know what we will do.  I have an appt with the chiropractor tomorrow afternoon (it can't come fast enough) so I REALLY hope that will help. It is so so difficult trying to take care of a newborn when you can barely move!!  :-(

Good news over here though is that we had another ped checkup this past Tuesday and Jack is officially back up to his birthweight of 9lbs 6oz!  He's such a big boy!! I'm still breastfeeding but still not producing much so Jack is now nursing and then taking up to 3 additional oz of formula. Hungry Hungry Hippo :-)  I'm trying to take it easy on myself on the BF front. I am doing what I can.  I talked to the pediatrician about it and my concerns and he said that ANY amount of breastmilk I can give him is good so to keep doing what I'm doing for as long as I feel like I can, and for as long as it makes sense for our family.  I can do that.

I can't believe how different life is now... I am still looking forward to when we can get on some sort of schedule. Jack has slept from about 1:30am to almost 5am for the past two nights though so I am hoping so hard that this might be a pattern.  Granted, I still can't put him down or he wakes up but: baby steps!  
Everyone says the first 3 weeks are the hardest (and many say the first 3 months) so I hope that by the beginning of July things feel a little easier!

Love him so so much though:

My sleepy little guy

Recovery & The First 2 Weeks

Continued!


RECOVERY/IN THE HOSPITAL:

I will not lie - the first 2.5 days were really really tough. I was hooked up to an IV and had a catheter so I couldn't leave my hospital bed for the first 2 days. I was completely doped up on pain meds so I would randomly fall asleep and wake up to someone new in our room. There were doctors and nurses and techs in and out of the room constantly (even more so for us than the normal new parents since we had specialists checking in due to Jack's dwarfism) so that, coupled with have a fussy/crying new baby meant I really didn't get to sleep more than about 20 mins at any given time for days.  Hubs had it even worse.  Since I was useless beyond breastfeeding the baby, he had to do EVERYTHING else. He had to do all the soothing and the burping and the diaper changing. He had to be lucid enough to meet with all the doctors and direct everyone and make plans and appointments.  He even had to bring Jack to me every time it was time to nurse. Even after the catheter and IV came out and I was able to get out of bed and walk (and even just sit up), it still took about a day for me to really be able to do much. Just getting up to use the bathroom was very difficult and if I didn't keep on top of the pain with my meds it was bad.  But eventually I moved through it and was able to help him out more with the baby. Unfortunately, Jack was extremely fussy  those first 4 days. He would cry or at least fuss almost non-stop and it was very difficult to soothe him for any amount of time. On the 3rd day the nurses told us that Jack had officially lost 12% of his birthweight and I was not producing enough milk to keep him full so we'd have to supplement. I continued to breastfeed for each feeding and then Hubs would feed him some formula while I double pumped.  It was exhausting. (And it hasn't stopped yet. This is what we are still doing and it is still exhausting. More about that below.) It didn't really stop him from crying and fussing though.  By the third night Hubs and I were both crying out of sheer frustration. One of the nurses took pity on us and took Jack out of the room to the nursery for a couple hours in the middle of the night so that we could get some uninterrupted sleep. She told us later she also attached a huge sign to our door saying not to enter except in case of emergency. God bless her.  [ASIDE: Note to future mommies: "Rooming in" is wonderful - you get to bond with baby, do all kinds of skin-to-skin, breastfeeding, etc. and it really is a wonderful way to learn how to care for your newborn and feel confident in caring for him/her upon going home. But it is EXHAUSTING. And when trying to recover from major abdominal surgery, I have to wonder whether or not it was the best decision for us in the end.] But our hospital stay overall was amazing. I am so so glad we chose to deliver in that hospital. Someday when I have some hands free again I am going to write to thank them for everything. All of the staff was wonderful and we were so well cared for. On the fourth day though, we were happy to go home with our little guy.

BEING HOME:

So regarding my "recovery" from surgery - there really was none to speak of.  A newborn is so needy that there is no way to put yourself first so you can "recover". The best I could do was keep on top of my pain meds, try to remember to eat and drink, and try to get as much sleep as I could. None of these things have been easy. Even with my husband helping to take care of Jack and my MIL staying with us for the first 4 days there has been very little opportunity to rest. I am mostly better now though.  I am still taking motrin every 4 hours but am no longer on any real pain meds and I rarely have pain, just soreness.

It's true what they say - there is no way to prepare you for this. It is hard.  I feel like I am just feeding around the clock. He's already gone through phases of cluster feeding too so I really am kind of constantly feeding. I originally had hoped that I'd be able to exclusively breastfeed (BF) but I am so so tired as it is that if my husband wasn't able to give him a bottle of formula sometimes I think I'd go crazy.  BF has been interesting (read: kind of difficult). I really like feeding my child. I really hate pumping.  When PG I wanted to have the attitude that I would try my best to BF but if it wasn't meant to be then that is okay. But almost two weeks later my milk hasn't fully come in and we've had to continue to "supplement" with formula (the quotations are because the main part of his feeding is coming from the formula, not from me).  I try to have the attitude that as long as he's getting enough to eat and is gaining weight then it doesn't matter how it's happening but honestly it's hard to have that attitude. I feel like a failure. I feel like BF is the essence of motherhood and I am failing at it. My body is failing once again. ::Sigh:: We'll see what happens.  Apparently having a c-section can delay milk coming in as can PCOS so I sort of have a double whammy.  At this point I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm still trying.

The first day home was a bit of a shitshow. We had so much stuff everywhere (and we took practically everything that wasn't bolted down from the hospital - which was awesome by the way since we've used almost everything) and hadn't determined any kind of a system yet for where to feed or change or where anything should go... The entire house was a mess and we had a bunch of family there cooking for us so everything was even more cluttered, and I was in serious pain since I had been moving around all that day packing and coming home. It was rough. I did the bare minimum of what I had to do then I went to bed.  When I woke up, everyone but my MIL had left (thank goodness) and my SIL and cleaned up and organized a bunch of stuff. Godsend!  MIL stayed with us for four days and I was so so grateful for her help.  Even with me, Hubs and MIL it was still difficult in those first few days.  One of the major things that made it better though was that we went to meet with Jack's official pediatrician the day after we got home. Originally I was really annoyed that we had the appt so soon since we hadn't had any sleep, I was in pain, and we had just gotten home the previous afternoon but in the end I am SO GLAD we went that day.  That is because we told the pediatrician about how Jack was fussy/crying all the time and about my BF issues and he said we simply weren't feeding him enough formula! When we left the hospital they had told us to only supplement up to 15ml after BF.  The pedi told us that at this point in his growth (and with his size), his stomach could hold up to 2 oz (60ml) so since my milk wasn't in yet it was no wonder why he was always upset - we were starving the poor guy!!  I was so pissed at the nurse who told us that. Once we got home we started giving him more formula and he has been so much better ever since. Poor baby :-(

Besides the pediatrician appt we've had a bunch of other appts too (other pediatricians, neonatologist, genetic counselor, geneticist, nephrologist [kidney specialist]...) which I'll write about in detail in a seperate post.  Jack also failed both of his hearing tests when in the hospital (not too surprising since one of the issues that comes along with Achon is often hearing problems) so we have an appt coming up with an audiologist and then also his 2nd appt with the pediatrician early next week.  All the dr appts have been a bit of a whirlwind when trying to establish some semblance of a routine. It hasn't been easy.

And now Hubs is going back to work this coming Monday. I'm scared. As of now we've established a schedule with "shifts" that seems to be working for us:

5pm - 8:30pm: Hubs sleeps and I'm up with baby
9/9:30pm - 2:30am: I pump then sleep and Hubs has baby
3am - 8am: Hubs sleeps and I have baby
8:30/9am - 12:30pm: I pump then sleep and Hubs has baby

1:00pm - 5:00pm has been our golden time. That's the only time we have to get in all the errands, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, showers, shopping, visiting with company (and we have had a LOT of company), anything we need two hands (or one hand) for, plus giving the poor neglected pup some exercise and attention (all while one of us still cares for the baby of course).  This is why blogging/answering emails/being online is so hard lately! It's also the only time we are both awake at the same time.  Unfortunately, we're usually so busy during this time we still don't really get to see one another. I miss him. And with him going back to work soon we're going to have to figure out a new schedule- likely one that will consist of me taking care of Jack pretty much all night long so Hubs can function for work. This wouldn't be so much of a problem if our baby wasn't nocturnal. I'm tired and emotional just thinking about it.

Lastly I wanted to mention the changes to my body since giving birth. Obviously, I no longer have the huge belly.  Instead, I have a layer of skin/flab that hangs over my c-section incision.  It's really not attractive.  And it's weird because it is sensitive to the touch. For about a week it was numb and then as the feelings came back it's been sensitive/on the verge of painful. And I have no idea what to DO with it - I went out to the store for the first time yesterday and selecting pants was interesting. I didn't know whether to try to push this new skin flap up and out over the top of regular pants or try to tuck it down flat against my stomach/pelvis.  In the end I did the latter while wearing my tightest pair of maternity jeans. I hope it starts to go away because I have no idea what to do with it. Besides that, I have been having soreness at my incision site here and there and my back pain has been out of control. Worse than when I was pregnant. I have always had back pain and I was shocked that it actually seemed to get a bit better while pregnant. Now, I assume all my muscles, ligaments, etc. are shifting back into their regular places so for me, that means it's back to the back pain. Only now it's worse because I'm carrying around my little guy all the time and reaching and moving and barely ever resting. I'm a little concerned about it.  What HAS likely helped is that I'm actually already back down below my pre-pregnancy weight.  If you want to know the secret to losing 25 lbs real fast it's to have an almost 10 lb baby with a ton of extra amnio fluid, breast feed, and not get a chance to eat enough or stop moving.  One last thing to mention was my FEET. In the week after giving birth my feet because elephant feet. No lie - they were HUUUUUGE. I have never seen anything like it. I should have taken pictures.  They were so full of fluid and were pushing out of the skin so much I was sort of worried they were going to explode. I could not wear ANY shoes. When we went to doctor's appts I wore my husband's slippers and even those hurt.  It was CRAZY. I was so relieved when that swelling went down after about a week.  I also had some serious cankles going on and my lower legs/calves and face were a bit swollen but nothing too insane.  Everything is back to normal now though.



Okay, I'm sorry this has likely been really disjointed with tons of typos - no time to proofread or edit!
There's a bunch of other stuff on my mind too so here's a list of random thoughts and things I have learned so far:

• I did not know what "tired" was until Jack came along. I used to get annoyed when PG when people would say "get your sleep noooow!" as if I was sleeping so soundly. But no - pregsomnia is nothing. At least then I had the opportunity to REST even though my body was working hard growing a human. But there is very little resting now.  I am actively up all night long - feeding and burping and changing and rocking and singing and walking and and and. It makes you a very different kind of tired.
• We had my MIL come and stay with us for 4 days when we got home from the hospital. It was a Godsend. I highly suggest having someone come to stay during those first few days - especially if you have had a c-section.
• Cloth diapers make excellent and absorbent burp cloths. ( We use disposable diapers but these were a hand-me-down and work awesome)
• We have approximately one million swaddle blankets and swaddleme sacks and then quickly learned that our baby hates being swaddled.
• Babies pee and poop a LOT. And you really need to watch the firehose with a baby boy because once that diaper comes off and the air hits him it's a free-for-all. I have already been peed on more times than I can count.  (I have also been pooped on and projectile-vomited all over. The mommy trifecta!)
• So far there has been no need for any other clothes besides short sleeved onesies and long sleeved footed pjs.  Jack lives in these and in spite of a bureau full of clothes, he has worn the same 5 "outfits" for the last 2 weeks 
• I feel so bad for the dog. He is used to being the center of attention and the poor guy is so neglected now. We try so hard to get him exercise and give him love and pats and treats but there is just no way around it right now - all the focus is on the baby. I hope that will be able to change soon. He's getting depressed.
• If someone offers to help, LET THEM. If they offer to bring food say yes. If they offer to hold the baby for 30 mins while you rest say yes. If they are going to the store and ask if you need them to get anything for you say yes.  I had my neighbor pick up colace and metamucil for me the other day because I could. not. shit.  No shame.  And that's another thing:
• Take lots of colace and metamucil. That first poop is a doozy. It hurts. The constipation was out of control.  I think I could have pushed the baby out in less time and with less pain than that first poop.
• Having lots of Purell around the house is a good not-so-subtle hint to visiting guests to wash their hands before holding the baby
• Besides using the nursery to pump, we have not used that room once yet for the baby. When PG I was all about making sure it was all ready to go and perfect.  And now we live downstairs in the living room around the clock.
• I love my baby and I love being a mommy. But I'm finding it lonely too.  I like when there are people here (if they don't interrupt the quasi-"schedule" we have going) since there are other people to talk to besides a sleepy baby who doesn't understand what I say and a dog that just looks at me quizzically wondering why this creature is here. I miss being able to spend time with my husband. The shifts we're doing enables us to both get two 3-4ish hour blocks of sleep in per day so that's important but it also means we rarely see one another now. I just miss him.
• I cry every day.  I am on the verge of tears most of the time. I think it's just from sheer exhaustion and from having our lives completely overhauled in the span of one day.  I cry when one of my "shifts" is ending and Hubs has come to relieve me because I'm just so tired, I cry when I see him hold Jack because it is so beautiful and he's such a good daddy, I cry when I finish a pumping session and see that I didn't get very much milk, I cry when I finish a pumping session and see that I did get a good amount of milk... you get the picture. I'm a ball of hormones.

I am hoping things will start to normal out a bit sooner rather than later and that maybe we'll fall into some routines that feel more natural. Overall we're doing well though, it's just hard and has been a complete whirlwind so far. We are happy though. Most of the time I still can't believe that Jack's finally here and... we did it. We finally had a baby. After all this time and effort. We are finally a family.  It's amazing to me.

Our little football.

Jack's Birth Story

Warning: This will likely be the longest post ever. Where to begin?!

First, let me say that I just feel so so blessed and happy. I am loving being a mother to this little guy. It's hard. But it is soooo worth it. Everything we went through to get to this place now has all been worth it.  I don't know why we had to go through so much - there are no answers for any of it so I've stopped asking the questions - but I am just so grateful to be holding my little guy now while his sibling watches over us.

So Jack officially turned one week old yesterday  **EDIT: He's now almost 2 wks old - that's how long it's taken me to be able to find time to type this** and while I can't believe a whole week has already passed, it also feels like he's been with us for so much longer.  Here's his birth story:

LABOR:

Monday night (4/6) I woke up to a contraction.  I could tell it was different from all the Braxton Hicks I had been having over the last 2ish months because it was painful and crampy-feeling. I didn't wake Hubs because I wanted to wait it out and see what would happen. That ended up being a good choice because over the next 3 hrs I had approx 2 contractions per hour (kept falling asleep and then waking up to another one) but then they stopped. During the day on Tuesday 4/7 I was on pins and needles but nothing happened.  Tuesday night, same thing with the contractions. [I should also mention that the previous weekend I lost my mucous plug. It was gross.  It was like my vagina had a cold and the mucous just would not stop. But because of that I wasn't surprised by the contractions since it was obvious my cervix was doing something and labor might be starting soon.]  The difference on Tuesday night was that the contractions never really stopped.  All through the day on Wednesday 4/8 I had contractions off and on. Sometimes 1 an hour, sometimes 1 every 2 hrs but they were continuous.  I admit I was slightly miserable. (Okay, okay, I was a cranky bitch that day.)  Most of them were painful, some of them felt like my back was breaking, I could not find a comfortable position all day long, and every time I went pee it brought on another contraction. In the early afternoon I had my "bloody show" so I knew that if the contractions continued I was likely in labor. Starting around 10pm they began getting stronger and more consistent so I sent Hubs to bed since I was feeling pretty confident this was the real deal and double checked my hospital bag to make sure I wasn't missing anything. I felt surprisingly calm as I crawled into the bed in the spare room in an attempt to relax and get some rest myself.  It didn't work. I laid there having contractions every 30 mins, then 20, then 10... eventually a little after midnight I gave up and went downstairs. I forced myself to walk around the house even though some of the contractions had me bent over in pain and after another 1.5hrs they were coming every 4 mins - every 7 mins. At that point I decided to call my OB and let them know we were thinking of heading to the hospital. Hubs heard me on the phone and came down to ask if it was go-time. It was!  I think Hubs had a moment of panic but I was pretty serene through the whole thing (minus the more severe contractions). We took care of the dog, contacted my MIL who would be coming to stay at the house while we were at the hospital, and got on the road.  This night was, of course, the ONE night we were having wintery weather with snow and freezing rain so that was fun.  I could tell Hubs was anxious as he drove in the bad weather with me having contractions every 7ish mins next to him (we were also both afraid my water would break) but in the end it was fine and it was actually sort of nice that we were one of the only cars on the road! 

We got to the hospital about 2:45am, got me a wheelchair and checked into L&D.  A nurse took me to the triage room had me strip and change into a gown and then started hooking me up to the monitors to check my vitals, uterine contractions, and baby's heartbeat.  They asked me to rate my pain level on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the "worst pain I could imagine". Worst pain I could imagine?  Like a gunshot? I said a 3 or 4. The nurse monitored me while we waited for the midwife on call to come check my cervix.  Everything was moving pretty slowly, I couldn't quite remember what the nurse was doing during that time but there was no real sense of urgency, especially since my contractions were around 8-10 mins apart on average and didn't feel all that strong. All the monitoring was going well and when the midwife got there we chatted for a bit and eventually she got around to checking how dilated I was.  As she stuck her entire hand up my vag I saw her eyes get wide. She asked again what my pain level was and I shrugged and said "about a 4".  She told me I must have the highest pain threshold of anyone she's ever met because my cervix was 6cm on it's was to 7!  Holy SHIT!  At that point both she and the nurse sprung into action and called the doctor. They asked me what we wanted to do - did I want to continue to labor and have a vaginal delivery or did I want to proceed with the c-section that was originally scheduled for the very next day?  Hubs and I really didn't know what to do.  So far my labor had been quite "mild" (it hurt - sometimes a lot - but nowhere NEAR as bad as I thought it would be) so I felt like I could keep going but we still had the unknowns related to Jack's dwarfism that had a slight chance of making a vaginal delivery dangerous for him. We had to make a decision quickly and in that moment I chose to release my long-held vision of a vaginal birth with immediate skin to skin time and breastfeeding and made the decision to go with surgery. Healthy baby is the most important thing above all.

DELIVERY:

Once I officially decided it was like everything was thrust into fast forward.  The nurse called the anesthesiologist and also some guy to come take blood (phlebotomist?) and then went to work hooking up my IV. She BUTCHERED me.  I swear she blew every friggin vein in my left arm, wrist, and hand and still could not get it in. I could see her getting frantic. The doctor arrived while that was happening and he was a stern guy who kept saying: "if this is going to happen we have to move" and it kept stressing her out more.  She moved over to right arm and I braced for more blown veins.  At that point the blood guy got there and had no choice but to draw from my battered left arm which hurt like a bitch. While the doctor waiting impatiently the nurse blew the vein in my right hand as well. Sigh.  Oh yeah, and I was having painful contractions on top of all this.  Fun.  The doctor decided to check my cervix once more and announced that I was at an 8 so he instructed the nurse to call in for backup with the IV.  When she arrived she found success on the first try in my right wrist. Not the most comfortable spot but whatever, it was FINALLY in.

They wheeled me down the hall to the OR, gave Hubs scrubs and directed him to wait in a different room somewhere while they got me prepped.  We had time for just a quick peck before they brought me in and had me get on the operating table. They introduced me to the anesthesiologist whom they said was "amazing!" (debatable) and had me sit on the side of the table with my legs dangling off. He had me hunch my shoulders and curve my upper body over my belly bump as much as possible so he could access my spine to put in the spinal.  HO - LY FUCK that hurt.  I screamed.  Like - at the top of my lungs. I couldn't help it.  And then come to find out, he missed whatever spot he was trying to hit.  And so he did it again. And again. And AGAIN.  He finally got it on the 4th try ("amazing" my ass) and that was absolutely hands down the worst part of this whole experience. I don't know how many times I screamed or how long it took him but it felt like forever.  My legs had fallen asleep so long ago that I actually had to request for two nurses to stand up against each of my legs, bracing me so that I wouldn't fall off the table. I was feeling so much pain in different areas of my body each time he would stick me and I wasn't allowed to move through the whole thing!! Do you know how hard it is to try to be completely still when it feels like someone is stabbing you in the spine? Even just sitting up and hunching over my belly was extremely difficult since I was having intense contractions through the whole thing as well! Ugh, it was awful.  The spinal was just such a gross and painful feeling. I would like to forget all that.

Anywho, once that was finally in properly they laid me down, set up the sheet right in front of my face, gave me an oxygen mask and strapped my arms straight out to the sides Jesus-on-the-cross style. I had forgotten that was going to happen.  That gave me a tiny sense of internal panic.  Then I had a BIG sense of internal nausea. I yelled out to whoever might be in hearing range that I was gonna vomit and someone put a little bucket/tray thing up against the left side of my mouth with one of those sucky-tubes like at the dentist.  At some point the nurses had given me some gross liquid to drink that was supposed to neutralize my stomach acid, I think in the hopes of avoiding this very thing but it didn't matter.  I vomited it all up. Tasted just the same coming up as it did going down, haha.  I had read somewhere that it's common to puke after a spinal but that if you have to you should avoid lifting your head at all because it can cause a painful spinal headache for a while afterwards. I don't know what that feels like but I know I wanted to avoid it so I just turned my head to the side and pitifully let it just fall out of my mouth as someone sucked it up. At that point I really did not care about much. 

After that Hubs was allowed into the OR. Having him there made me feel a bit more normal and the doctors started doing their thing pretty much as soon as he sat down at my side near my head. I believe it was the anesthesiologist who was standing behind me the whole time to make sure everything was okay and he offered to take Hubs' iphone and be the photographer. We ended up really appreciating that as he got the exact moments Jack was born which we could not see because of the sheet. (He also got our first pics of me and Hubs with Jack.) Hubs didn't want to see it anyway and I don't blame him, because he really did not want to peer into the inside of my body. Also, I really needed him up at my head holding my hand. I focused on his face the whole time as he kept me distracted by telling me about what we would do with Jack as he grew; playing baseball and going fishing and taking him to the zoo and how excited everyone was going to be... it was very helpful to have that distraction so I didn't focus so much on the yucky tugging and pushing and pressure below my waist. I didn't feel any pain at all thankfully but I can't say the sensations were exactly pleasant.  It felt like it only took a couple minutes tops and then I heard the absolute most beautiful and awe-inducing sound I had ever heard in my life: my son's first cry.  He had a good set of lungs and the moment we heard him, Hubs and I both started crying immediately. I couldn't believe it. After everything, we finally had a child. He was here. He was breathing. He was ours.  The midwife held him up over the sheet for a split second so we could see his bright pink little body and full head of dark hair and Hubs and I just stared at him in amazement and then at each other in awe that we created this little human. It really was an incredible and indescribable moment. I have been through a LOT of emotions over the past 3 years since we started TTC and none of it could compare to what I felt in that moment.

We really only got to see him for a moment or two before the nurses brought him over the warmer to clean him, weigh him, administer all the tests, etc. That part sucked. Hubs sat with me as we both cried a bit but eventually asked if he could go over to see his son and I said "yes, yes, go!" but while he could walk around and go see him, I remained strapped down since the doctor still had to remove my placenta and stitch up my uterus and then my abdomen. Again, I could feel them doing a bunch of stuff to me but I was so distracted, following my baby with my eyes and trying to get any glimpse of him that I possibly could between the bodies of gowned staff. There were SO MANY people in there. I never actually counted but I would estimate there were at least a dozen people in the room. I knew the operating doctor, the midwife, the two nurses and the anesthesiologist, and besides that I have no idea who all those people were.  But they were all gathered around looking at Jack and doing whatever they were doing. There was just a wall of people around him at all times and I started to get so impatient for them to come back and bring him to me.  I also started shivering uncontrollably while I laid there. I was reassured that this was totally normal after a c-section because of the flood of hormones that shift in your body (and also being opened up) but I couldn't believe how violently I was shaking and I couldn't do a thing about it.

After what felt like forever (but was probably 5 minutes), they brought my son to me. They placed him on my chest and it was...indescribable. It was almost overwhelming and I had a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that this was my child. We had worked so hard for this moment and it was finally here. He was ours and he was real and he was healthy. I felt so unbelievably grateful and emotional.  While he was on my chest it was hard to see him because he was so far up that he was almost in my neck due to the sheet being so high up so I kept straining and straining to move my head enough so that I could see him.  They also released one of my arms so that I could touch him. It was hard though physically. I was so exhausted and still shaking uncontrollably and in such an awkward position. Eventually I asked Hubs to take him since I felt really unsteady holding him with one weak arm and once Jack was in Hubs' arms I could finally actually see him. And he was perfect. I know I am biased but he was seriously the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. He still is.  He looks exactly like a miniature version of my husband.  I love that more than I can say. Watching my husband hold him gives me feelings I didn't even know existed - like my heart is just going to burst :-)

I was so smitten just laying there watching my husband hold our child that I don't even remember what happened next.  Eventually I somehow ended up moving/being moved over to my own hospital bed and covered up with a gown and blankets and then my baby was put in my arms and I gazed at him while we were wheeled to our recovery room/suite where we would stay for the next 4 days.


~Okay, this will not be the longest post ever because it's taken me the better part of a week just to get this written. I'll stop here and then the next post (hopefully soon) will be about the time in the hospital, recovery, and first two weeks.~


Obligatory baby pic: