Fill-the-Void Friday, 6/27

Today marks 3 months since we said goodbye. It simultaneously feels like both a lifetime ago and like it was yesterday.  In the weeks after our loss, every hour ticked by so slowly that I didn't think we would ever put time between us and that moment of despair. And now here we are, already a quarter of a year later.  I expect I will always dislike the 27th of each month but:

Or, I'm reaaaally trying to anyway :-)

So here we go with this week's positives:

• This morning after an especially intense Zumba class, I went home and dove straight into the pool for a cool down. It was heavenly! I think I shall do that more often.
• A while ago I had to hide all the automatic Facebook status updates from everyone I know with babies because I couldn't handle the constant barrage of baby baby baby.  As a replacement, this week I "liked" a page that is full of pictures of the same kind of dog I have. Now when I log into FB I am bombarded with pictures of adorable furry puppies instead of things that make me sad.
• I found a new show I like called "The Profit". It's about some rich dude who finds small businesses that are struggling, invests in them and then turns them around to make them profitable!  It's kind of awesome and the show makes you really pull for the business owners. (PS: I would love to own a business someday, I just need to figure out what that might be...)  Anywho, I found that there's a whole season of the show On Demand so I've been watching some of that to keep me distracted when I'm having tough evenings.
• I'm looking forward to a beach day on Sunday! 
• And the big one: On Wednesday morning as I was standing in front of the mirror doing my makeup I found my mind wandering to my RE's office and I realized I was having good thoughts about it. I was actually having pleasant thoughts about going back which proves to me that I am moving towards a place of readiness with TTC and IF treatments again. That's pretty incredible.

 

Fill-the-Void Friday, 6/20

(For info on the origin of "Fill-the-Void Friday", click here.)

Here are this week's positives:

• I did a good deed for someone special last week. It wasn't anything big but it meant a lot to them and it made me feel good :-)
• Monday & Tuesday I flew to Washington DC for work to hand over our (600 page) finished proposal to the government. Traveling was a nice distraction for me and also, this means that the work craziness is officially DONE!
• Tomorrow I'm having a bunch of my girlfriends over for a pool day. I haven't seen them much lately (read: I've been avoiding everyone since our loss) so it should be nice to all get together.
• The other day I read a blog post by a loss mama who said that oftentimes when she thought of her baby she would see butterflies and took it as a sign from her son that he was still with her.  Not long after reading that, I stepped outside onto our back porch and couldn't help but cry a little when I saw this:

I love you too Petey.

Fill-the-Void Friday, 6/13

Here are this week's random positive things that are helping fill the void inside me left behind after losing Petey:

• JEN IS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This has made me so so happy this week!I am so happy for her and I pray that she will have a wonderful and healthy 9 months <3
• On Wednesday I wore non-maternity pants to work for the first time in about 6 months.  It has still been difficult every single time I've had to pull on maternity pants since they were the only things that were comfy enough for a full day.  Now, I've lost a little weight and am so happy to be wearing regular pants to work again.
• Last weekend Hubs and I went to see Cirque du Soleil. It was very cool and I enjoyed it. However, it was really hot inside the tent and the seats were extremely close together so it was a little uncomfortable. I found myself thinking about the fact that I should have been 30 weeks pregnant and would have been so unbelievably uncomfortable that we likely wouldn't have been able to stay.  Silver lining?
• I've mentioned on here before that one of my close friends is pregnant with twins.  It has been difficult for me but honestly, they have been great and quite sensitive to our situation.  She texted last week to warn me that I'd soon be receiving a baby shower invitation in the mail but that she completely understands if I don't feel like I can come. I got the invitation the other day and she's right - I can't come. I can't do it. I am so relieved that she understands and that not everyone is completely insensitive.
• I don't have to work this weekend(!!) and I have fun plans: Saturday is my sister's bday so we're spending it together doing girly things and then Sunday is Fathers' Day and we've invited family from both sides to come spend the day poolside and have a big lobster/steak/corn on the cob feast! (Hubs did a favor for some guy in his building who owns a fish distribution company in the Boston Seaport and in return, he's giving us a dozen free 2 pound lobsters! Woohoo!) 

A side note:
Today I am working from home (i.e., from my couch with the TV on in the background) and while composing this post I found that Les Miserables was on HBO. I turned it on to watch for the umpteenth time and amazingly, the part that was on is when Eponine is dying and sings "A Little Fall of Rain"! This was the song I used to sing to Petey. This is "our song".  I don't know if I believe in signs but...wow.  It brought me back three months ago to all the times I spent strolling around the backyard with the dog, rubbing my pregnant belly and singing to Petey while I cried and counted the hours we had left together. Listening to this song just now was emotional. It made me sad and made me remember, but it also gave me a sense of peace and filled me with love.
One of the things I still struggle with is whether or not to think of myself as a mother but Krystal said something once that stuck with me: something to the effect of how, if she denied thinking of herself in that way then that would mean that her boys don't have a mother and that is simply not true. So I'll say it now, here, for the first time:

Mommy loves you so much, Petey. I miss you every day and I will never stop missing you. I love you.

Fill-the-Void Friday!

Hello friends. I have disappeared recently.  But I'm still alive, and I'm doing okay!

I haven't been around much for two reasons: 

1. Work has been CRAZY lately. Long story short: I do government funded work and our contract is up in a couple months so we have to write a proposal to recompete in order to get more funding so that we can all continue to have jobs. IT.IS.MADNESS. I have never experienced anything quite like this before and I'm working pretty much around the clock (including weekends) except for the handful of hours that I'm sleeping.  It's possible I may drop dead soon from utter exhaustion.

2. I've been finding my "new normal" in this life-after-loss. In many ways, my life is exactly the same as it was but in other ways, I am drastically different now. The truth is that I am not the same person I was and I will never be that person again.  But I'm finding that much of the good parts of me are slowly restoring themselves and for that I am thankful. I felt like an empty shell after losing Petey but I've slowing started to fill that void back up again with...what?  I guess just LIFE, really. Love, happiness, knowledge, experience, strength, gratitude, hope, people, plans.

I seem to have reached a sort of 'plateau of grief' that works for me most days.  I am okay. I have moments of happiness. I have moments of sadness. But mostly I am okay.  I do better when I don't think or analyze too much and just try to remain positive.  After all: 

So in the spirit of trying to focus on thinking positively, introducing.......


Fill-the-Void Friday!  
[Kind of like my own little twisted version of a gratitude journal]

Friday used to be the day of the week I'd usually do my pregnancy update post so now I'm thinking that it might be a good day to focus on some happy stuff that has happened/will be happening and random positive things in my life that are helping me fill up this void within me.

So, here we go!

• I have Zumba tomorrow morning!
• It's going to be a beautiful, sunny weekend here. I plan to spend some quality time tomorrow relaxing in my backyard, swimming/floating in the pool and laying in the sun reading a book.
• Hubs and I are going to see Cirque du Soleil (Amaluna) in Boston on Sunday! I've been looking forward to this for months.
• While walking through the office with a coworker earlier this week, I ran into a woman who I haven't seen in a long time and she asked me how the baby was doing. I was able to tell her what happened without crying or losing my shit. As my coworker and I walked away it was quiet for a moment and then she said "Well that sucked." And we both had a good laugh. I consider that a win.
• While working from home today, I happened to look out the window just as two little furry brown bunnies were hopping through the yard!
• My purple irises, orange azaleas and pink clematis have popped and the roses are budding! I do love this time of year.

I guess that's all for this week.  We'll see how long this lasts ;-)