1 Year: Petey's Angelversary

March 27th.  It's been 1 year since we said goodbye to Petey.  I cannot believe it. I've said it before and I'll say it again: this has been both the longest and the fastest year of my life.

At this time last year I wrote in a blog post:

I'm very worried about the future... I don't know how we'll get over this and move on.  I try to remind myself that this is hopefully the hardest time. That every day will get slightly better and slightly easier and though I'll never forget, I'll be able to be myself again someday. There's no way I can picture that yet but I hope that in a year I'll be able to come back to this post and think about how much things have changed since this moment.

Things have certainly changed since that moment 1 year ago.  But I wouldn't say that I am "myself again". I find that most parts of myself have come back and I feel like a whole person again but I have changed. That is undeniable.  There is no way to have an experience like this and not be a changed person.

And today I feel bad. I feel guilty. I want to pretend this isn't the anniversary.  I don't even want to think about it.  I don't want to go back and read the posts I wrote at this time last year and feel all those feelings again and let myself remember that awful time so vividly again. I want to bury it deep down inside because there are so many conflicting emotions I am already dealing with due to our current baby: labor is imminent, we just learned Jack has dwarfism, we have so many questions and concerns about this baby's health now...  One person can only handle so much.  I think I need to forgive myself for that. I am SURE that Petey forgives me for that...

I think of him now not as a baby but as a perfect little angel who is warm and comfortable and content; who understands all of my thoughts and feelings and loves me regardless. A little angel who is always with me and rooting for me/our family and hoping for the best for us all. Maybe that's silly but that's what he's become in my mind. And it gives me a sense of peace.

I think today I will write Petey a letter. It helps me to get my honest and uncensored feelings out. It helps with my sadness and grief. It helps me forgive myself and "move on" when I am missing him so badly it physically hurts.

One year later I can say that the pain of losing a child will never go away. It does lessen. The days do get easier. But I will never "get over it".  I will always be a loss-mama. I will always miss him. I will always wish he was in my arms.


Here is Petey's butterfly (a small needlepoint I made) that now resides in the nursery. It's perched on the shelf over the chair where Jack and I will spend a lot of time breastfeeding. It makes me feel good that we are all together.  It makes me feel safe to sit under it. It makes me feel loved.

I miss you Petey.  I love you.

Blindsided yet again

I had intended for my next post to be a big AW post full of nursery pictures. This is not that post. And warning: This is not a happy post.

Yesterday (Tuesday) at 35 1/2 weeks I went in for a "routine" OB appt. The dr found that although I had actually lost a couple pounds my belly was measuring big - really big - and decided to send me for an ultrasound to see what the deal was (she suspected too much amnio fluid).

I didn't mind that I was going for an U/S - I hadn't seen my little guy since the 20 week anatomy scan!  I just felt bad that Hubs didn't come because I was sure he would have liked to see him too.  Spoiler: As it turns out, I ended up really wishing Hubs had come yesterday.

I thought the U/S would be quick - measuring the baby, seeing if there was extra amnio fluid, and determining his position. But after 45 mins on my back (very painful BTW) watching the U/S tech measure almost every bone in his body I began to get worried. She acknowledged he had a big head for his gestational age and that there was extra fluid. Besides that she didn't say much. Once done she told me to sit tight so she could just "run the results by the doc real quick".  When she came back she gave me a sealed envelope to bring to the doc and said they wanted to see me back upstairs again immediately. I had no idea what to think and carried that envelope like it was kryptonite. 

I had to wait 15 agonizing mins for the doc and once she came in she got right to business: The sealed envelope revealed that our son has dwarfism. His head and belly are in the 97th percentile and all of his arm and leg bones are in the <5 %. (Some <3%.) There is no doubt about it.  This child I'm carrying is a "little person".  Our little miracle rainbow, our happy ending, is a dwarf.  I am absolutely dumbstruck. Yet again.

Tomorrow is 1 year TO THE DAY that we went in to see the perinatologist and specialists and learned that Petey wouldn't make it due to his birth defects. And tomorrow we will be back there again, in the same place, with the same doctors, to learn about Rainbow's birth defects. Happy fucking anniversary.  I am apparently incapable of creating and carrying a healthy normal child. I am in complete shock.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) we will learn just how bad it is - what form of dwarfism he has, if he has other issues affected by this, what the complications are, what our next steps are...  There is also the issue that based on today's measurements I am actually measuring at 41 weeks right now (no wonder why I've been so damn uncomfortable). We will need to discuss what that and the excess amnio fluid means for labor and delivery. The doc said today that at a maximum they will not let me go past 39 weeks but even that may be a stretch. It also sounds like a C-section is pretty much a given because I won't be able to vaginally deliver a baby with a head that large.  As it is, their best guess on his birth weight is 11 pounds.  ELEVEN! She also mentioned that I may need to be sent to a different hospital to deliver.

I just hope that tomorrow we will be able to get clarity on his situation. I know NOTHING about dwarfism. It is something I have never once given any thought to whatsoever. And I didn't want to google too much but from what I could find it seems it is a genetic mutation and there are 4 major forms: The most common one (the one you see on the TLC show "Little People Big World") is also the one with the fewest complications and affords the best quality of life. That is our best-case scenario. There are other forms that have more medical issues requiring surgeries, use of a wheelchair throughout life, etc., and there is also one form that is deadly. Please pray that whatever news we receive tomorrow will be as good as it can be.

Y'know, I remember saying back in the early days of this pregnancy that all I wanted was a healthy child.  (And that's true - still, the most important thing is that he is healthy.)  But perhaps I should have been more specific.

I just don't understand. Why...?  How...? I just don't get it.  Exactly 1 year to-the-day later and we're back in the same place wondering again: How can this be our reality?

30 weeks!!!

Sooooo.... 30 weeks.  I am thrilled. I really truly am so happy and grateful to reach the 30s. It feels like such a milestone to me and I'm so happy we're now in the home stretch.

I cried today thinking about where we are now vs. a year-ish ago. I am so happy to be here. I am also sad.  I know I don't talk about it so much anymore but - I miss Petey. Every day. And I always will. We're coming up on 1 year since having to say goodbye (just about a month and a half to go - I've been dreading it) and I cannot BELIEVE it. It doesn't feel like it possibly could have been that long ago. It has been a fast year and simultaneously a very slow and hard year for me too. 

I know that doesn't make too much sense.
  
Sometimes things are still very raw for me though and will hit me out of the blue. For example, the other day I was wearing my Petey Nugget necklace that my wonderful IDOB and SAIF girls gave me (as I often do) but when I leaned into my hubby for a hug he thoughtfully fingered the necklace for a moment and I just burst into tears.  Petey is still such a part of our lives but we don't really acknowledge our loss verbally too often anymore. We've "moved on" with life.  We've learned to live without him and be "okay" with our reality but it is still very hard being a "mom" to a baby who is not here. And now I will be a mom to a baby who IS here. And I will experience everything with this baby that I was not allowed to experience with our first.  It is heartbreaking. But I am also grateful and excited.  It's such a convoluted mesh of emotions.

Regardless, I am thrilled to be at 30 weeks.  Next week starts my single digit week countdown and that is very exciting to me.

Weight gain: + 9-10 lbs

Rings: Completely off with no chance of coming back on until after I give birth

Sleep: Relatively decent!

Symptoms: NUMEROUS. I get grosser every day. Sausage fingers, cankles,  diarrhea and constipation (I never know which one I will be graced with during the day), hemorrhoids, gas, RLP, just generally uncomfortable/sore/achy with a very heavy and sometimes painful belly, Braxton Hicks contractions every day, trouble breathing, less and less range of motion (I now have to think seriously after dropping something about how important it is to actually bend over to pick it up or just leave it lying there)...

Also, my patience with other people is wearing thin. Zoe described it perfectly in that she is "way less tolerant of stupidity" lately. YES. And I feel like it's running rampant in my work-life right now. Ugh.  I am looking forward to going out on maternity leave!

Cravings: Nothing major.  I still love soup. I also love sweets. And chicken salad sandwiches have been pretty delicious lately (thanks Cici!).

Randoms: I had my routine OB appt earlier this week and all went well! I am measuring right at 30 weeks, baby's HB was great, my BP was great, AND I made them test my pee. Victory!  They actually did find protein in my urine but said it wasn't anything to worry about due to the level and the fact that I don't have any other symptoms of pre-eclampsia. (I am going to be vigilant about testing my own urine and BP at home though and keeping an eye on weight and swelling just in case.)  

Funny story - I also got my T-dap shot during this appt and as the nurse went to go prep the shot I told her I was going to run to the bathroom quickly.  I came back with a cup full of pee and just handed it to her. I told her that since I was going anyway I figured we might as well have her test it. She looked at me funny for a sec and then just shrugged and tested it. HA!  In your face! You WILL take my pee whether you want to or NOT!

Anywho, the appointment went well and the doctor said multiple times that everything is looking great and I'm doing great and he's really happy with how things are progressing.  He estimated that baby boy is currently just about 3 lbs (and should end up 7-8 lbs at full term)  and that based on external palpation appears to be head down and likely to stay there!! At this point, some Drs like to switch from meeting every 4 weeks to every 2 weeks but based on how I'm doing he said he feels confident in scheduling our next appt another 4 weeks from now. Yay.
 
Finally (wow, this post is long), my FIL is coming tomorrow to help Hubs put the crib together! We will now have a crib in the nursery :-)  We also have other nursery furniture sitting in the basement waiting to be brought up and put together once the painter and the carpet cleaners do their thing over the next couple weeks. And all the decorations tucked away in the closet are burning a hole in the back of my mind since I cannot WAIT to start decorating once all this maintenence-y stuff is done.  I just want my nursery done and my baby in it.

Single digit week countdown is just about here!!

Reflections

2014.

What a year.

What an amazing and devastating year this has been for me and my husband.  The highs have been so high and the lows so crushingly low I don't even know how to describe them.

At this time last year I was finally pregnant for the first time due to IVF. All I felt was hope and happiness.  I had "beaten" infertility and only saw smooth sailing in my future.  But my path took a much different turn than I ever would have expected and thrust me into a whole new community: the Loss community; the TFMR community.  Groups I never would have wanted to be a part of but groups where I found strength, and support, and love. And I hope I was able to offer that to some of those incredibly strong women as well. Though I'm no longer very active with these groups I still think of these women and their children almost every day.


Three days really stand out in my mind this year: March 19, March 27, August 5.

March 27th, the day we said goodbye to Petey, was one of the hardest days of my life. But harder still was the day we found out we would need to say goodbye: March 19th.  That horrible day that I will never forget in that doctor's office.  I've never written about it in detail but that day is and will remain one of the most vivid memories of my life. Sitting there, hunched over on the edge of that ultrasound bench in that hot, darkened U/S room, crying harder than I ever knew was possible while we received wave after wave of horrible news about this little baby I was carrying that we worked SO hard for and loved SO much but would never get to see or bring home or watch grow. I disassociated partway through it and found myself looking down on the scene, watching myself slumped there, crying so so hard into my husband's chest; crying out every last ounce of hope I had for our future and trust I had in the world. It was... animalistic. It was without a shred of self-consciousness. It was the day that prompted the perinatologist to write in my medical history: "This couple is devastated."   That we were, Doc. That we were.  Losing Petey was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.

Heh, it sounds so simple to write that: It was hard. Yeah, hard.  But that word, in no way, can describe what it is like to experience a loss like this. To have to make a choice like this and then have to live with the consequences and the guilt and the pain and the sadness every single day.  There is no way to describe it unless you have been there. This is something that changes you forever and gives you a different perspective forever. I can understand why this breaks some people. Why they never "get over it".  I feel lucky actually.  Lucky that I am "okay". That I have been able to find ways to move on in healthy ways and that, though I love and miss my Petey and ache to hold him in my arms every single day, I am able to have perspective on my loss and my grief and be able to still live a happy and grateful life.

And I am grateful. Not for what we went through but for where we are now.  I am so happy to be 6 months pregnant with this little boy. I cannot wait to meet him and love him and raise him. HE is my unbelievable high for the year. 
Which brings me to my third unforgettable date: August 5th.  Not the day I found out I was pregnant again and amazingly, without infertility treatments this time (that was actually the following morning), but the day I saw my rainbow and felt hope for my future again. That day was a turning point for me in my grieving process and gave me strength to move forward.  I still struggle each day with being able to trust that everything will be okay but I have learned that there really is no other option.  What will be will be, good or bad, and I just need to live and be thankful for what I have.

I miss my Petey, my first baby, and I love him.
I am excited about this new healthy little baby I'm now carrying and I love him.
My relationship with my husband is stronger than I thought possible as a result of everything we have gone through together.
I have hope for the future.

What's better than that?!


The new year also marks my 2-year blogiversary; 2 years, 268 posts, 1487 comments, and more than 70 THOUSAND pageviews (that absolutely blows my mind)! 
Wow.

This blog has meant a LOT to me over the last 2 years: It has helped keep me sane through infertility and pregnancy and loss and grief; it has helped me sort out and come to terms with my feelings and move forward; it has connected me to some incredible, strong, and supportive women who have become real friends.

THANK YOU to everyone who has been a part of my journey. It has been a rocky road and your unwavering support and friendship has meant more to me than I know how to express.

Here's hoping that the hope and excitement I felt at this time last year and what I feel now will be my reality in 2015.  Happy New Year! :-)

20 Weeks & Final Reveals!

I am officially 20 weeks pregnant - Half-Baked.  One day more pregnant than I have ever been.  And I have to say: It feels good :-)

I am happy and weepy and so thankful for where we are.  And I am just over the moon that I am feeling our little baby move now!  I have been waiting a looooong time for that - 2.5 years since we started TTC including 40 full weeks of pregnancies and I'm finally experiencing it. And it is amazing.  I love the reminders that my little guy is in there and is growing and is HEALTHY. I feel like he's saying hi to me every time I feel him move!  I just feel so grateful.

We revealed the pregnancy to all our family yesterday!  Hubs' parents are separated and both remarried so we had 2 sets of families to hit up (almost all of my family knows now due to my FL trip last week).

First we went to my FIL's and I didn't even get my coat off all the way before he said "Oh my God, I knew it - you're pregnant!!" Haha!  We don't see them very often and Hubs called out of the blue to ask if we could swing by to say happy Thanksgiving before going over to my MIL's which is not what we normally do so it seems we made them suspicious :-)  FIL and stepmom were so happy for us and couldn't hide the fact that they were thrilled it was a boy since he will carry on the family name. Hubs has 2 younger brothers in their early-mid twenties on that side and after FIL relayed the news to them yesterday they posted on Facebook about how excited they are that they'll be uncles to a baby boy in April!  I think that is very cute that they are excited enough to post about it :-)

Then we went to my MIL's and pulled the same routine we had with my parents:  I walked into the living room full of people with my coat still on and gave everyone hugs and hellos. Then Hubs addressed his mom and said "I hope you don't mind that we brought someone else with us" and I took off my coat. Everyone's jaws just dropped, hahaha!  My MIL just kept repeating "Oh my God, Oh my God, is this for real? Are you serious?" while starting to cry. And then: "Holy crap, how far along ARE you?!"  When I said "5 months! Halfway through"  I just heard a chorus of "Oh my God" and "No way" all around me. LOL!  I looked around and pretty much everyone was just staring at us in shock. It was hilarious.  They eventually got their acts together and there were hugs and congratulations and excitement all around. They were all just so so happy for us and were floored when we told them that it was without IF treatments this time.  One of my SILs wasn't there at that point and she came in a little while later after the excitement had died down. She was a flurry of activity when she arrived, giving hugs (to me and everyone) and bustling around with appetizers and wine opening while everyone just stared at her waiting for her to notice my belly. Eventually she realized everyone was being weird and my MIL said "uhhh...notice anything different?" while motioning to me and she looked at me then and dropped the box of crackers she was holding all over the floor while shrieking and running over to me with tears pouring down her face. It was adorable and made me cry too. She is just the sweetest and was really there for us when we lost Petey so she knows how amazing this is for us and was absolutely overjoyed.

We also revealed to them that it's a boy with the same present we had given my parents (a picture frame that read "Tiny Miracle" with an ultrasound pic and our baby sporting a blue bow tie. Everyone was so happy and then spent the rest of day coming up with the most ridiculous names for our child, haha! I think the current frontrunner is Sherman because they got a kick out of calling the baby Shermy.  LOL!!! Oh man, I hope that dies down soon. My BIL patted my belly on our way out and said "Bye little Shermy!"  Hahahaha!

All in all it was very fun and exciting and I'm feeling so good about this pregnancy. I even bought my baby's first clothes today with some awesome Black Friday deals :-)

Also I just have to say thatThanksgiving dinner was DELICIOUS. I am so glad I am reaching the point in this pregnancy where food is yummy because I enjoyed every single smackerel yesterday :-)  Lucky for me it's lunchtime now so: time for leftovers!!

1 Year Ago / 8 Mos Ago / Today

1 year ago: Drove down to Boston in the early morning. Sick as a dog due to OHSS. Scared and nervous and excited for our 5 day transfer.
8 months ago/On this exact day during my last pregnancy (19w6d): Drove down to Boston in the early morning.  Sick to my stomach with grief and fear and sadness as I steeled myself for surgery.
Today: Drove down to Boston in the late morning.  Sick to my stomach with morning sickness.  Excited and happy to reveal the wonderful news of our rainbow pregnancy to our family.


1 year ago: Shared with those closest to us that we were able to transfer one beautiful blastocyst and asked for prayers and positive vibes that the IVF would work.
8 mos ago: Shared with those closest to us that we had to say goodbye to our much loved and wanted baby and asked them to help care for us physically and emotionally while we were so broken.
Today: Shared with those closest to us that we are 5 months pregnant with our sweet rainbow and celebrated in their excitement and happiness and love.


1 year ago: Thankful and happy that at long last I was finally PUPO.
8 mos ago: Thankful and relieved that I never felt any movement from Petey by the time we had to say goodbye.
Today: Thankful and elated that I finally felt my healthy baby boy move inside me for the very first time :'-)

It's been a tough road. But I am thankful for where we are now and I pray that in April we will be welcoming our new baby boy into our lives. <3

Thursday: The last milestone

Thursday is Thanksgiving.

On Thursday we will be spending time with family, giving thanks, eating deliciousness, and celebrating my little miracle rainbow with a lot of excited people.

But Thursday is also the 27th of the month. I hate the 27th.  It will be exactly 8 months since we said goodbye to Petey.

Thursday is also the 27th of November: Exactly one year to the day that we got pregnant with Petey. The day I finally became PUPO. A day of hope. The day that started a chain of events that led to an unbelievably difficult year for me: A year of extreme happiness and extreme sadness.  A year that has changed me forever.

Last but not least, on Thursday I will be 19weeks 6days pregnant: The exact day when my last pregnancy ended. The day we had to say goodbye to Petey.  The hardest day I have ever had to endure. 


How will I feel on Thursday?


I want to be able to celebrate.  Our family is going to be overjoyed with our news. I want to be able to enjoy that and to feel the excitement. But I also want to honor what this day means for Petey and for us. I don't know how to do both.

This will be our last milestone. By Friday it will be over.  On Friday I will be 20 weeks pregnant: Half baked.  One day more pregnant than I have ever been.  On Friday the comparisons with this pregnancy to Petey's pregnancy will stop because I will have nothing else to compare. I will be entering uncharted territory.

I think I'm a little afraid to let go and move on. Now that there will be no way to compare, does this mean I will just need to simply trust? I'm always afraid now to trust that things will be okay (though I am constantly working on that), and don't know how to feel about this new blank slate that's about to be stretched out in front of me. This blank slate should signify hope and excitement and anticipation for the future. But it's not truly blank because fear encroaches on the edges.  My therapist (Amy) calls FEAR: False Experiences Appearing Real. And she's right.  I had a very bad experience with Petey's pregnancy. But everything I now fear with this pregnancy is false. None of it has happened, and none of it is likely to happen. I need to stop focusing on my fear.

During my last therapy appointment, Amy gave me a pair of little plastic children's binoculars and told me to look through them and focus on something in the room. I chose a funny little toy animal on the windowsill and described to her every tiny magnified detail that I could see: the silly feet and googly eyes and orange afro and polka dots. Then I described everything else I could see through the binoculars: The plant that was sitting next to the toy and part of the book that was propped up behind it and the top of the pillow resting against the sill.  She then told me to turn the binoculars around and look again - to change my perspective.  This time the little toy was still there. I could still see each detail if I looked closely but it was further away. And it was placed amongst a greater context of items. This time I could see the whole windowsill, with the sun streaming in and all of the plants and all of the books and the fishbowl and the ottoman in front of the sill holding the 2 smooshy pillows.  I couldn't see any of that before when I was so focused on that one little toy. That one detail. That pain and fear.  Changing my perspective and placing the pain of my loss and my fear with this pregnancy in a greater context doesn't mean that it's not still there or that I'm not still affected by it but it allows me to not amplify it quite so much. It allows me to enjoy other things in my life instead of only focusing on the sadness.

I think on Thursday I need to grant myself permission to be happy. To enjoy where we now find ourselves and to truly celebrate our good news. It doesn't mean the pain isn't still there but it would mean that I'm not allowing myself to let that pain overtake something else that is also important, and is positive, and is exciting.

I love my Petey and I miss him every single day. But I am also happy and I love this little baby boy I am carrying. I am going to try to allow myself to celebrate and be THANKFUL for that on Thursday. 

Update post (weeks 17 & 18)

Ok so I started writing a check-in post last week but must have gotten distracted because I never posted it.  Whoops. And I am now 18 weeks! So here's a super long double post.

I am happy to be 18 weeks along. But it's also a tough number for me to see because it was during our 18th week with Petey that we found out s/he wouldn't make it. 18 is not a number filled with happy feelings for me. BUT, I am trying to turn my thinking around and focus on the fact that this is NOT the same pregnancy and 18 weeks this time does not mean the same thing that 18 weeks last time meant. 

Since my last post I've gotten some wonderful ladies checking in on me to make sure I'm doing okay with the knowledge that this baby is a boy since I previously said that I expected I'd have a problem mentally/emotionally if that was the case (since it would make me question what I've felt about Petey all this time).  Well, it was/is a little tough every now and then but overall it's okay.  As the weeks tick on I find I'm starting to be able to further separate my pregnancy with this baby from my pregnancy with Petey in my mind. (That's something I'm consciously working on.) And Kate's previous comment really helped put my mind more at ease when she said that her two pregnancies have been extremely different even though her babies are both boys so that makes me feel like it's still possible that Petey was a boy as I've felt in my heart.

Here's the bump pic I took last week after we learned we have what looks to be a healthy baby boy:

Now at 18 weeks I'm still about a pound under my starting weight and depending on what I wear sometimes I look pregnant and other times I just look like I ate too many donuts.

Speaking of donuts, I met with the nutritionist last week to talk about how poor my diet is right now since I have aversions to pretty much everything except simple carbs.  It was a good appt and she completely empathized with my weirdo eating due to almost constant nausea (and the puking has decided to stage a comeback in the last week or so too, yippee)  but didn't seem concerned about it. Surprisingly, she was more interested in talking about my lack of weight gain.  I don't want to say she seemed worried but she did say that while right now it's not an issue yet, at this stage they'd like to see me start to gain. She also made a point to say they do NOT want to see me losing weight, and she gave me some tips for ways to add items with higher calories and more protein into my diet so that's helpful.  I have to say, after dealing with weight issues my whole life it is definitely a new thing to be failing at trying to gain weight. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

I am wondering if the concern about weight gain has anything to do with a piece of info we got during last week's anatomy scan?  We found out that I still have an anterior placenta (which is fine, it just makes it harder to feel baby's movements - still waiting!) and that the placenta has a post Succenturiate lobe. What that means is that there's the regular placenta and then also a second additional part (lobe) connected to the main placenta via blood vessels and attached to different part of the uterus. (Here's the official definition: Clicky!) Apparently having an additional lobe (or a bi-lobal placenta) can sometimes result in poor growth for the baby so that's something to watch for. (It also means the OB will  likely have to manually remove all of the placenta after I give birth to avoid hemorrhaging.  Yeah, I'll avoid thinking about that for right now.) At this point though, the baby is still measuring on track growth-wise so the perinatologist said not to worry. It would probably help ease my mind a bit if I could start gaining some weight soon though.

I'm trying not to think about the fact that my placenta is abnormal.  Apparently this happens in less than 3% of pregnancies.  I also have a 2 vessel cord which is abnormal too. Petey had a 2 vessel cord as well.  Neither of these things are particularly troublesome according to doctors (except that some studies have shown a correlation between 2 vessel cords and renal problems which I had with Petey and may also have with this baby) but I'm just sick of being classified into the "abnormal" categories.  I hate that when a possible issue arises and people say "oh don't worry about that, it's really rare" it seems like it always happens to me and I find myself on the wrong end of the statistics. At this point I just assume I will get gestational diabetes. And that I'll end up on bedrest. And that I'll get preeclampsia and have to deliver early... I just assume that the bad things that happen in some pregnancies will inevitably happen in mine. I guess it's because that has been much of my experience.  Hopefully this is as far as it goes though, and moving forward this pregnancy will join the ranks of the "normal" pregnancies and I won't have to be "special" anymore. I just want to be normal.

Ok, this post is awfully long and rambly so I think I'll end here.  I did have my first therapy appointment earlier this week (which went well!) but I think I'll save that for another post.

PS: My sister and I decided randomly last night that we're going to fly to Florida on Sunday to visit my parents for a few days. I think we both need a mini-break and a chance to soak in some gulf-coast sunsets. BUT, this means that the cat will officially be out of the bag!  They still don't even know I'm pregnant so it should be quite the shock when they pick us up from the airport! I hope I'm ready for this!

 

16 week check-in

I have now reached 16 weeks which means the anatomy scan is one week away!  Please oh please oh please let it bring us good news....

We'll also be finding out next week if this little baby is a girl or a boy.  As long as the baby is healthy I will be happy either way but I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't mess me up in the head a little if we find out it's a boy.  Only because I have convinced myself that Petey was a boy (though we elected NOT to find out for sure) and since my pregnancy symptoms and "cravings" (or lack there-of) have been SO different with this pregnancy it leads me to believe that I'm currently carrying the opposite sex. Therefore, if this baby is a boy it will make me question what I've felt in my heart about Petey all this time. ::sigh::  We shall see.

It's funny to me to think back about how I felt about the upcoming anatomy scan when I was pregnant the first time. I had a countdown going a month out and was SO EXCITED for the day to finally come so we could find out the sex! The fact that the whole purpose of the A/S is to make sure the baby is growing properly and is healthy really didn't even enter my mind; of course my baby was perfect!  This time I've had a countdown going again but for a whooole different reason.  Now finding out the sex is the afterthought and this last month has just been filled with anxiety for us.  But it's finally less than a week away and I'm just about counting the hours at this point.

I'm feeling pretty good physically, nothing major to note.  My belly is definitely growing. It's like once I hit 2nd tri it triggered a switch and now I'm ballooning. At 16 weeks I look similar to how I did at 20w with Petey. I still have not gained any weight yet though.

I had my routine prenatal with a high risk OB last Tuesday. Everything went well and the doppler worked this time, thank God. Baby's heart is still beating away at 150ish bpm and the doctor told me that "the size of [my] uterus is impressive". I must admit I feel a funny sense of pride about that for some reason. (Like I have any control over it...)

This was the first time I had met that doctor. It was SO different from seeing my midwife.  She is all touchy-feely, always wanting to talk about everything and offering all kinds of information and hugs and reassurance... Whereas he was the absolute stereotype of a cold, unfeeling doctor with absolutely no bedside manner.  He answered each of my questions in monotone, offering no additional information if I did not specifically ask for it, and gave no reassurance about anything. Example:

Me: Do you have the results of the urine sample I gave during my last appt?
Doc: Yes, it's in your file.
Me: Good. They're not posted on the online patient portal so can you tell me if everything came back ok?
Doc: You tested positive for Group B Strep. ::Goes back to what he was doing::
Me: And that means what exactly...?
Doc: It means you carry a bacterial infection in your body that could be harmful to the baby if it is passed to him during delivery.  ::Goes back to what he was doing::
Me: Ooookay, so what is going to be done to make sure it's not passed?
Doc: You'll get an antibiotic via IV during labor. 
-End of convo-

The fact that I had to pull the info out of him annoyed me a little (and of course I went home a googled GBS and I see it's pretty common - about 25% of women have it - and doesn't seem to be a big deal) but honestly? His complete lack of bedside manner really didn't bother me too much.  I much prefer my midwife's approach but I'm not really looking for reassurance and hand-holding right now, I am just going through the necessary motions like a robot until I can get to the anatomy scan and confirm that everything is okay. My advice to anyone who is newly pregnant though, is to look into a midwife vs. a physician if you have the option. When you're newly PG you have no f-ing clue what you are doing so it's helpful to have someone who actually wants to tell you things.

Finally, I wanted to end on the best moment of the week! 
I received an awesome present in the mail this week from a very sweet and thoughtful woman (Erin K) in my SAIF FB group! She told me she was out shopping and saw this, thought of me and just had to get it for my little rainbow :-)  I am just bowled over by that. When we lost Petey I hadn't been a part of the SAIF group for very long at all but still the amount of support and love I received was just incredible. Now, even though I'm PG I'll admit that it's still been hard for me sometimes to see babies (especially recently since I sort of feel like I'm in limbo) and so I'm currently not very active in the group. I recognize Erin of course, and would know a picture of her and her adorable boys anywhere but we've never actually had a one-on-one conversation. So I am just so humbled and appreciative that she would not only think of me but actually buy something (awesome) for my baby :'-)  There are a lot of good people in the world.
Check out my baby's first Patriots "jersey"!!

ADORABLE.

And look at that - you even get a bump pic out of the deal! :-)

15 (& 1/2) weeks: Positive steps

So, I've taken some positive steps since my last post:

• I contacted a therapist and set up my first appointment. She couldn't get me in until Nov 11th but at least it's scheduled.
• I opened up to Hubs that night about everything. He was very understanding and said he would help in whatever way he could. It was a good conversation and it helped to set me at ease a little bit. I guess I was really holding a lot in because after that convo I finally slept well and woke up feeling good the next morning. That hasn't happened in a long time.
• I called up a friend to get together for lunch on Saturday. I'm glad I did.
• I went to a Halloween Party last night and saw a lot of people and it was totally fine.  I even ran into our friend A and his mysterious wife (remember them? The ones we unexpectedly ran into at the RE's office last year when we were going through IVF but I STILL had not met her?) and she's PG too, about 2 weeks behind me!  AND, I like her!  I thought she would be weird and snobby or something but she wasn't!  I hope we get together more.

Okay, so I'm proud of myself for all of that stuff and I hope I keep it up.  I guess I was in a real downward swing but hopefully things are starting to look up now. Being PgAL is QUITE the rollercoaster.

-------

So now I'm a bit over 15 weeks which means we have less than 2 weeks until our anatomy scan. I also have a routine prenatal appt this Tues with the high risk OB. Hopefully everything will go well there because Hubs can't come. I know I'm still PG because I can feel the stretching, etc. every day but I'm still afraid. I think I have PTSD from the last appt when I thought it was all over.

My belly has officially popped in the last weekish. Here I am in all my saggy-ass maternity pants glory:

My maternity pants fit me well with the last pregnancy but this time they are too big since I had lost some weight right before getting PG. I absolutely refuse to buy more at this point though since I suspect that if I continue with my crap-filled diet I will fill them up soon enough. For now I will deal with the sag. 

I'm still holding steady at -1 lb below starting weight. I suspect this is because I still hate all food. Every now and then something will sound good so I run right out and get it on the spot since that happens so seldom. Otherwise I mostly have to force myself to eat.  There's a lot of cereal consumption happening 'round here.  Nausea's still hanging in there but I can't complain. Plus, the Zofran usually works.

Other than that things are fine physically and I'm just waiting.

Thank you to everyone who offered support over the last week. I really appreciate it. <3

Depression

I am a horrible employee. I've done a handful of hours of work in the last week.  I work from home a lot so it's way too easy to slack off.  I just don't care.  I don't care how much is on my plate or how many pressing things I have to do.  When I turn on my computer for work it is all immediately pushed to the backburner and instead, I spend my hours trolling the internet.  Reading the TFMR board, reading the PG after TFMR board, and the Loss Board and the PgAL board, and my PAIF group and IDOB and SAIF. Reading through women's stories of loss and others blogs and even back through my own blog posts...  Hours and hours leading to days and days are just wasted away like this and I don't even care.  I don't care that I'm a shitty employee now.  I don't care that I have no passion for my work; that I have no passion for my life really.

My husband doesn't know I spend my days like this; sitting on the couch in my pajamas, sometimes showering, sometimes not, just lost inside my computer, often giving myself a headache from all the crying (which I then blame on the pregnancy).  When he asks me how my day was I say busy. He thinks I work all day. My boss and coworkers think I work all day - how I've managed to pull the wool over their eyes for this long I really don't know.

And I don't even know what I get out of all of this internet searching.  I am not learning anything new, it's not making me feel any better... Each night when I lay in bed thinking about what I have to do the next day I make a promise to myself to just NOT open those forums or blogs or links. To start right in on my work and have tunnel vision and not allow myself to stray. But I always do. My life revolves around my loss, my fear with this new pregnancy, and my internet world. I live that life all day and then I dream about it all night.

I know this is not healthy.  I know I'm depressed. Having constant nausea and fatigue for the last few months has not helped either since I can't exercise. I used to go to Zumba 3x/week. It made me feel good - the movement, the endorphins, the weight loss, the schedule, the reason to get out of the house and interact with people...  I don't do that anymore. I also don't reach out to my friends and when they (rarely) reach out to me to get together I always make up an excuse.  I isolate myself. It's easier this way.

Since we received the results last week from my screening I haven't been able to picture any other future besides loss.  I no longer picture myself with a baby.  Any amount of connection I felt with this pregnancy has pretty much dwindled down to nothing. All I can picture now is going through all the same pain we went through with Petey. And this time, I can't picture myself being strong and moving forward.  All I can picture is it breaking me.
And that is how I feel: Broken and useless and just... sad.

In the past I've felt like this blog has been my therapy. But it's no longer helping. I think it's time to go see an actual Therapist. I haven't wanted to because I just haven't wanted to talk about it. When I focus on all of this it makes it worse. If I can distract myself it is better. But I've been unable to distract myself lately. Maybe this is a sign that I'm doing a worse job than I thought working through my grief and my fear.
 
Finally opening up about this and typing it all out is making me see just how mentally unhealthy I really am right now. I think it's time to admit that I need some help.

1st Tri Screening Results

We finally got our bloodwork results back from the first tri screening. They were not great. 

Our genetic counselor had prepped us for receiving higher risk results due to our history but our risk for Trisomy 21 (Downs' Syndrome) came back higher than expected. Based on age alone it would have been about 1 in 1000.  Add in our history and it should have brought it to 1 in 500ish.  Ours came back at 1 in 160.

I know that's still less than a 1% chance.
I know this 1st Tri Screening can result in false positives.
I know that if our baby ends up having a Trisomy THIS is the one to have since 85% of babies born with DS survive and many of them are able to lead mainly "normal" lives.

But I also know that our risk of neural tube defects (NTD) with Petey came back last time at 1 in 1300. And that I was that "one".
I know that this increased risk of T21 doesn't just mean our baby's risk of DS is increased but that it is also a marker for NTDs.
I know that there is nothing I can logically do right now but wait until our early anatomy scan on Nov 6th to see if yet another baby that we have created has birth defects.

Besides just waiting to see what the A/S shows we also have the option to have another blood test done this week (the AFP) which would give us a better idea of NTD and DS but if the results come back positive there is still nothing we can do but wait until the A/S on Nov 6th to see just how bad it is.  We have elected not to do that to ourselves. I am trying so hard not to let these results make me crazy. If we were to get bad AFP results I would be a fucking wreck until Nov 6th. (Now, I'm just kind of a wreck.) 
If there are issues identified through the A/S then there are whole slew of other diagnostic tests we would look into but at this point I'm trying not to get ahead of myself.

I'm trying not to think about the 'what-ifs'. 
I'm trying to stay positive.
I'm trying to believe in the numbers being on our side this time.
I'm trying not to disconnect from this pregnancy and let the fear take over.
I'm trying to pretend that I don't know as much as I know about everything that can go wrong.

But after what I have been through and what I have seen with so many other women it is nearly impossible. I am so scared.

I really thought infertility was supposed to be the hard part. But my life since March 18th has been a whole different kind of hard.  It doesn't matter how much you've had to go through; there are no guarantees.

And now I have a whole other sense of deja vu; similar to the feelings we experienced the night we found out Petey had problems and we had to wait for the appt with the Periontologist the next day. (Except now, my "next day" is not for another 2.5 weeks.)  It's the feeling that your heart is trying to escape from your chest; the sense of panic that comes on suddenly making you stop in your tracks; the inability to focus on work; the overwhelming sense of dread that you try to squash deep down inside but it just keeps creeping back up.

I am regretting getting this screening test. I felt I was doing my due diligence by getting as much info as we could on a decent timeline.  After our integrated screening results with Petey gave us a false negative I had no confidence in that "more advanced" screening so I figured this was the way to go. And I was scared, but I honestly thought things would be okay.  I hope things really will be okay.

I JUST WANT A HEALTHY CHILD. 
After everything, I really don't feel like it's too much to ask for. But what the hell do I know?

November 6th.  It cannot get here fast enough. (Understatement.)

14 weeks: The good.

I really want to try to make more of an effort to focus on the good. I owe that to my little Rainbow (and to myself too, really).  Maybe I just have to remind myself that yes, I love Petey and I miss him and I always will, but letting my grief and sadness run my life is not helping anyone. It won't bring him back and it's certainly not making me feel any better.  So I'm going to try to focus a bit more each day on the things that I have to be happy about (namely, a new little life growing inside me).

So, The good: 

• I have hit the 2nd trimester!  I've officially made it through the horrid 1st trimester TWICE in (mostly) one piece
• Nausea is getting a bit better and I have my wonderful Zofran for the bad days
• My belly is getting rounder (but I'm still holding steady at my starting weight - go me!)
• My boobs haven't changed much at all and never hurt (which is VERY different from my 1st pregnancy)
• I sleep decently most nights thanks to my memory-foam mattress topper! 
• I am having very few cravings
• I'm lucky in that I work from home 3 days/week and can live in yoga pants and huge oversized tees half the time since I'm still at the funny in-between stage where my clothes are too small/uncomfortable but maternity clothes are still too big.
• What else?  Ummm...it's Friday! Ok, that's it for now.

The not-as-good: 

• I am super constipated.  I mean super. I need some Colace or something STAT.
• My diet is terrible.  Meat still makes me gag and I haven't been able to choke down a vegetable in months.  I am grossing myself out.
• I still cannot exercise and get light-headed if I try to do too much. I almost fainted walking the dog the other day so now I'm a little scared to try again.

I wonder if I will start feeling excitement once we pass the anatomy scan (assuming all goes well)? With this pregnancy I just feel like I'm waiting.  I'm experiencing all the pregnancy symptoms, both good and bad, and every time something "new" happens I just sort of recognize it like, "yup, here's that again, right about when it came last time", and then just wait for the next thing.  Hopefully once I pass 20 weeks (again, assuming I get there [I can't seem to say/think about the future without a disclaimer]) things will start to change for me. At that point I'll be entering uncharted territory. Hopefully the apprehension and feeling of deja vu will fade and be replaced with excitement and anticipation.  And hope.


And in non-baby related good news: I do government-funded contract work and just found out today (after MONTHS of waiting) that our company won the rebid for the next 5 years!!! Thank goodness. If we hadn't won I'd be out of a job come October 31st! Cutting it close there, gov't!

Have a good weekend, people!

13 week check-in

How Far Along: 13 weeks - last week in the 1st Trimester!

Baby is the Size of a: Fuzzy Peach (I added the fuzzy myself cuz fuzzy things are cute:

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

 Exhibit C:

AHHH!

 Total Weight Change: -2 lbs

Showing Yet?: Blump. Lots of blump.

Maternity Clothes?:  I am right at the stage where I might have to just suck it up and dig out my maternity pants.

Stretch Marks?: No new ones

Sleep: Not awful. I flop around like a fish a lot of the night but at least I'm mostly sleeping in between that and the numerous trips to the bathroom.

Symptoms: Nothing to complain about. Feeling the stretching/cramping in my lower abdomen but I welcome that.  Nausea seems to be getting better!

Food Cravings/Aversions: I hate pretty much all food. I don't even know what I eat these days. Apple juice is okay...

Miss Anything?: Exercise.  I might try to pick it back up again (slowly) next week.

Mood: Way better than last week. Phew.

Best Moment of the Week: Tuesday's NT scan is over!  I am still waiting on b/w results but the NT measurement itself was good and it was nice to see our baby moving around in there through our tears.
 
Upcoming Appointments: 10/28 - meet with nutritionist and then with high risk OB for routine prenatal.

What I'm Looking Forward to: The fabled 2nd Tri energy!  I do think the nausea is starting to get better and I'm finding I'm not quite as tired so I hope those keep up!

Randoms:  I told my boss this week that I'm pregnant. As expected she was just pure excitement and happiness. That reaction is hard to deal with since there are so many emotions for me with this. She also told me that since I've reached 12 weeks I'm now "past the danger zone".  Yeeeaaaah.  I hope she does not bring up my pregnancy to me. I don't want to talk about it with her. She has no f-ing clue what this is like and that I am sometimes so scared I can barely keep it together, and I'm not about to try to explain it to her.  
Besides that Hubs and I are starting to discuss when/how to tell our families but no decisions as of yet. 

Feelin pretty good today :-)

NT Scan: Done!

Fair warning, I'm exhausted from work and so this post is probably gonna be a lot of unstructured blabbing. Enjoy.

So we had our NT scan on Tuesday morning and as far as I know everything looks fine. The NT measurement was 2.2mm (they worry if it's over 3.5mm) so that's good and baby was moving around and measuring a few days ahead at 13weeks.  

Baby!

I also had blood drawn for the first trimester screening and was hoping to hear results today but am still waiting.  I really wish they'd get on that. The fact that I haven't received a call though is likely a good thing.

As I expected the whole appointment was a little tough.  It was hard seeing Erica (the genetic counselor) again and unfortunately, Hubs and I had our meeting with her before MFM did the ultrasound so it did not help our nerves to hear all about our increased risk for neural tube defects, downs syndrome and other chromosomal issues and then have to go back out into the waiting room for another 25 mins before they brought us in for the scan.  Hubs was really emotional during the U/S and had a hard time with the fact that we were in the exact same exam room with the same sonographer as the time when we found out about Petey's problems.  Honestly the whole thing kind of sucked and I'm glad it's over. I'm just trying to feel grateful that so far it looks like everything was alright during yesterday's U/S and am trying not to think about the other parts.

Due to our history they are able to offer the anatomy scan to us early at 17weeks so that's good. It is scheduled for Thursday Nov 6th. One month to wait.  As long as everything goes well between now and then (no bleeding, scares, etc.) that will be the next time we see this little baby. They won't be able to get all measurements that early so I'll need to go back for A/S 2.0 a couple weeks later but I don't mind at all. I would much rather have the A/S as early as possible so I can hopefully set my mind at ease a little bit.  I really am just waiting for that scan so that I can finally breathe. 

Besides that, we don't plan to do any additional testing. We talked extensively with Erica about our testing options but doing the NT scan, first trimester screening, an early A/S and then a follow up A/S will yield us everything we need to know and with the best timing.  If they find any specific issues then an amniocentesis or CVS might be in my future but for now we'll just wait and see. I did have the option to have a blood test just for neural tube defects at about 15 weeks but if we do that and I test positive they won't be able to move the ultrasound up any sooner than 17 weeks so we would be in absolute hell for 2 weeks. I opted out of that one in order to save my sanity.

So anywho, now we just wait to see if my B/W will come back okay and then we just keep our fingers crossed until Nov 6th (17weeks).  Between now and then I'll also be meeting with the nutritionist and having another routine prenatal check up with the high risk OB.

Just counting the days as the weeks add up! C'mon 17!

12 week check-in

~*~*~*~*~*WARNING: For anyone looking for TFMR-related posts, you may want to skip to the very bottom of this post and read just the part labeled "Randoms"*~*~*~*~*~



How Far Along: 12 weeks!  "Week 12 signifies the first milestone for you and your baby. The major organs are now formed and will continue to develop and your baby will now focus on growth. At this time the chances of miscarriage are greatly reduced."

Baby is the Size of a: Plum. S/he was just under 2 inches last week so she might actually be closer to the size of a peach now.

Total Weight Change: -3 lbs

Showing Yet?: The blump can no longer be hidden (but it still won't be cute for a handful of weeks). I'm starting to get funny looks at work.

Maternity Clothes?:  Not yet. I'm currently at the yucky in-between stage where the bloat makes regular pants extremely uncomfortable but the maternity pants are still too big. I hate the belly band and there's no option to use the hair-tie-trick with work pants.

Stretch Marks?: No new ones

Sleep:  A little bit better! I was having a lot of hip pain from sleeping on my sides but this week I bought an amazing Serta 2.5inch memory foam mattress topper for my side of the bed that's so squishy it's like I'm sleeping on a cloud!!  (It's kind of ridiculous though since I'm now so much higher than Hubs even though we're in the same bed - I feel like I'm going to roll down the hill onto him in the middle of the night.)

Symptoms: I got a prescription for Zofran last week and my nausea is now SO MUCH MORE MANAGEABLE.  I have cried with happiness and relief multiple times over the last week because of this - especially because it is helping me eat, sleep, and stay hydrated which I desperately needed.

Food Cravings/Aversions: Still having a hard time eating a lot of foods (meat & veggies especially) and nothing sounds good. Really I just don't feel like eating. Most carbs are doable at least.  I've been eating lots of Rice Krispies lately.

Miss Anything?: Being able to exercise. I hate feeling sick and weak. I miss Zumba.

Mood: This week? Not so good. The sadness crept in and has stuck around. I miss Petey.  Last week was 6 months since we said goodbye, then we had our scare at the OB on Friday, then a thread on one of my online groups really upset me early in the week... That has all kind of stayed with me unfortunately. I'm feeling a little fragile and on the verge of depressed lately. Luckily, it is FINALLY sunny today so I'm hoping that will help.

Best Moment of the Week: One word: ZOFRAN!
 
Upcoming Appointments: This coming Tuesday is my NT scan. More about that below.

What I'm Looking Forward to: Seeing our baby again on Tuesday. I hope everything will be looking good.

Randoms: I have my NT scan on Tuesday with Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM). I also have a meeting with Erica, the genetic counselor.
I am afraid to see Erica again. She is the one we saw back in March who first broke it to us that most people choose to terminate a pregnancy with the severity of Petey's problems.  I was not at ALL prepared to hear that. I was still in IF-fight mode, still amazed the IVF worked, still so thankful just to be pregnant. The night before we met with Erica was the night I got a phone call from my midwife who said she had the results of my anatomy scan and that there were some problems and we needed MFM to look closer to see what we were working with.  Hubs and I had spent the entire night before and all that morning trying to convince ourselves to keep calm and not think the worst and then we saw Erica and the first thing out of her mouth was an apology and that I wasn't too far along yet that termination was still an option as long as we "moved quickly". We were dumbfounded and completely confused.  We thought we were there for MFM to look into things further but really they already knew just how bad it was and it was already time to talk about our limited options. The meaning of the word "terminate" did not even register in my mind when she said it. It just didn't make sense to me and I mentally dismissed it.  I was mad she even said that word to me. Why on earth would we even consider that option when we love this baby more than anything in the world and we worked so damn HARD to create it?!! My brain just could not make heads or tails of her words.  Then we had an ultrasound and saw the specialists who pointed everything out to us and we knew in our hearts that she was right. As much as we absolutely hated it she was right that that was the best thing to do for him and for us.  I have run out of words to express how much that all sucked and how much it still does.
And that's why I have a pit in my stomach about seeing Erica again. It's not because of her - she was actually wonderful through everything. She made all the arrangements for us and answered all our questions no matter how stupid.  She was the one who fielded all our tearful phone calls and navigated all the red-tape between hospitals to make everything happen smoothly, and treated us gently. She was the one we leaned on to walk us through the hardest time of our lives when we were completely vulnerable and stripped down to our core. She was an absolute godsend and I so appreciated her. 
I just wish I had never met her. 
And I wish I didn't have to see her again. 

Hopefully everything will be okay on Tuesday though.  This was the stuff that I was worried about dealing with when we first started TTCAL - the stuff I wondered if I was emotionally ready for. I knew it was coming and I knew it would be hard.  It is hard but I also know we'll get through it. FX for Tuesday.