Update post (weeks 17 & 18)

Ok so I started writing a check-in post last week but must have gotten distracted because I never posted it.  Whoops. And I am now 18 weeks! So here's a super long double post.

I am happy to be 18 weeks along. But it's also a tough number for me to see because it was during our 18th week with Petey that we found out s/he wouldn't make it. 18 is not a number filled with happy feelings for me. BUT, I am trying to turn my thinking around and focus on the fact that this is NOT the same pregnancy and 18 weeks this time does not mean the same thing that 18 weeks last time meant. 

Since my last post I've gotten some wonderful ladies checking in on me to make sure I'm doing okay with the knowledge that this baby is a boy since I previously said that I expected I'd have a problem mentally/emotionally if that was the case (since it would make me question what I've felt about Petey all this time).  Well, it was/is a little tough every now and then but overall it's okay.  As the weeks tick on I find I'm starting to be able to further separate my pregnancy with this baby from my pregnancy with Petey in my mind. (That's something I'm consciously working on.) And Kate's previous comment really helped put my mind more at ease when she said that her two pregnancies have been extremely different even though her babies are both boys so that makes me feel like it's still possible that Petey was a boy as I've felt in my heart.

Here's the bump pic I took last week after we learned we have what looks to be a healthy baby boy:

Now at 18 weeks I'm still about a pound under my starting weight and depending on what I wear sometimes I look pregnant and other times I just look like I ate too many donuts.

Speaking of donuts, I met with the nutritionist last week to talk about how poor my diet is right now since I have aversions to pretty much everything except simple carbs.  It was a good appt and she completely empathized with my weirdo eating due to almost constant nausea (and the puking has decided to stage a comeback in the last week or so too, yippee)  but didn't seem concerned about it. Surprisingly, she was more interested in talking about my lack of weight gain.  I don't want to say she seemed worried but she did say that while right now it's not an issue yet, at this stage they'd like to see me start to gain. She also made a point to say they do NOT want to see me losing weight, and she gave me some tips for ways to add items with higher calories and more protein into my diet so that's helpful.  I have to say, after dealing with weight issues my whole life it is definitely a new thing to be failing at trying to gain weight. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

I am wondering if the concern about weight gain has anything to do with a piece of info we got during last week's anatomy scan?  We found out that I still have an anterior placenta (which is fine, it just makes it harder to feel baby's movements - still waiting!) and that the placenta has a post Succenturiate lobe. What that means is that there's the regular placenta and then also a second additional part (lobe) connected to the main placenta via blood vessels and attached to different part of the uterus. (Here's the official definition: Clicky!) Apparently having an additional lobe (or a bi-lobal placenta) can sometimes result in poor growth for the baby so that's something to watch for. (It also means the OB will  likely have to manually remove all of the placenta after I give birth to avoid hemorrhaging.  Yeah, I'll avoid thinking about that for right now.) At this point though, the baby is still measuring on track growth-wise so the perinatologist said not to worry. It would probably help ease my mind a bit if I could start gaining some weight soon though.

I'm trying not to think about the fact that my placenta is abnormal.  Apparently this happens in less than 3% of pregnancies.  I also have a 2 vessel cord which is abnormal too. Petey had a 2 vessel cord as well.  Neither of these things are particularly troublesome according to doctors (except that some studies have shown a correlation between 2 vessel cords and renal problems which I had with Petey and may also have with this baby) but I'm just sick of being classified into the "abnormal" categories.  I hate that when a possible issue arises and people say "oh don't worry about that, it's really rare" it seems like it always happens to me and I find myself on the wrong end of the statistics. At this point I just assume I will get gestational diabetes. And that I'll end up on bedrest. And that I'll get preeclampsia and have to deliver early... I just assume that the bad things that happen in some pregnancies will inevitably happen in mine. I guess it's because that has been much of my experience.  Hopefully this is as far as it goes though, and moving forward this pregnancy will join the ranks of the "normal" pregnancies and I won't have to be "special" anymore. I just want to be normal.

Ok, this post is awfully long and rambly so I think I'll end here.  I did have my first therapy appointment earlier this week (which went well!) but I think I'll save that for another post.

PS: My sister and I decided randomly last night that we're going to fly to Florida on Sunday to visit my parents for a few days. I think we both need a mini-break and a chance to soak in some gulf-coast sunsets. BUT, this means that the cat will officially be out of the bag!  They still don't even know I'm pregnant so it should be quite the shock when they pick us up from the airport! I hope I'm ready for this!