Jack: 11 Months

Eleven!  (Less than) One month to go until my baby is a YEAR old!  How in the hell did that happen?!

He is doing awesome as usual. He was supposed to have his MRI (the one that has already been rescheduled twice) yesterday but we had to reschedule AGAIN because Jack's getting over a cold and he had a high fever. Apparently no anesthesia within two weeks of a fever. I'm beginning to get anxiety about the whole thing now.  It's been pushed off for so long that I feel like my brain is now becoming convinced that either it's a really bad idea so fate keeps intercepting, or that it's becoming dire for him to get it since it's been pushed off so long!  Ugh.  Post partum hormones are still making me a crazy person.

Speaking of; I'm still on Lexapro and it's helped.  Still not sure if I need to either up my dose or change meds but I saw my PCP last month and mentioned my crazy mood swings and depressive states and so on and so on, and we decided I should try a new birth control pill - one that has increasing levels of hormones each of the three weeks instead of the same amount of hormone throughout the month. I just finished the first pack and I do think it helped me stay a little more even this month!  Yay. I'm hoping that all I needed was a BCP change. We'll see how this next month goes.

In other med-related news, I stopped Metformin about 4 months ago.  When I started it about 3 years ago it was to help me ovulate (it didn't, if you recall).  Then I stayed on it because it helped me feel a little more even with my moods, THEN I stayed on it through pregnancy because there are studies showing that it can help women with PCOS produce more milk with breastfeeding (Yep, didn't do that either).  Finally, I was afraid to get off of it because I had been on it so long and didn't know if I'd developed insulin resistance during that time OR if I'd have even worse mood swings since I was already experiencing PPD/PPA.  However, one day I was just like, "why the F am I still on this?!" So with my PCP's approval, I stopped. And I've had no problems. We checked my A1C and it's been totally normal, I don't have insulin resistance, I don't have any added crazy mood swings, and, bonus: I finally poop like a normal human again!! Looks like I was on a med for the last three years that did absolutely nothing for me.  Humph.

Oh, and did I also mention that I'm now apparently allergic to Penicillin?  And now also having reactions to eating eggs. Awesome. Apparently this is a thing: After pregnancy, a woman can develop allergies to things to which she was not previously allergic. That's some bullshit right there.

Nothing else really going on.  I'm planning Jack's bday party. I cannot WAIT for his smash cake photosession :-D  And we're flying my parents in for about a week so they can be here for it too. They miss him SO MUCH. I don't blame them. He is pretty much awesome and irresistibly cute. We're also starting to prep the house to put it on the market and starting to look at houses closer to Boston so Hubs' commute can be shorter.  He's going to need another back surgery very soon so we'll probably do all the house stuff after he recovers. I think we're looking at late April/early May.

Anywho, that's what's going on over here! Here are a bunch of Jack pics because I can't resist:

Hi! (trying to make an escape)

Loves to feed himself!

My phone is his favorite thing

This is how he plays with toys since he can't sit on his own yet.

Flexible!

I don't think he could be cuter.

Had a playdate and he LOVED this car. We're getting it for him in blue for his bday (minus the wine).

Jack: 10 Months

He is such a little lovebug. This is the first month that he wouldn't sit still for his picture which is a very good thing :-)  He's gaining more and more core strength and is now able to hold himself in the sitting position for a handful of seconds at a time.  This is a HUGE milestone.  He's always on the move and is generally just such a happy little guy.  Argh I love him.

I'm doing okay. Still in therapy, still in physical therapy. Currently reading a book called "Keys to Unlocking Depression", written by my therapist's apparent mentor. I like him though. I've also done some hypnosis sessions with him and I like his positive point of view. I'm trying not to hibernate as much as I want to this winter and have been making a point to get out of the house and see friends and have playdates with other moms so that I have a reason to put on pants and hopefully don't forget how to speak English. I'm looking forward to spring.

Hubs isn't great. We learned he's definitely going to need another back surgery. This time a spinal fusion. He's in immense pain and most days I need to help him put on socks and pants... it's become a major part of our lives. He is honestly one step away from disabled at this point and I am both amazed and grateful that he's still able to go into work every day.  He works in Boston though which means he's spending at least 3 hours driving every day which I'm sure is not helping the back situation. This spring we're still planning to put the house on the market and move closer to the city.  We're at the point where we'll do anything to alleviate some of this pain for him. We're even considering renting an apartment down there so that he doesn't have to drive EVERY day.  Sigh. It's no good right now.

Besides that, I'm starting to plan Jack's birthday party! I honestly cannot believe he'll be turning one before long. This has been the fastest almost-year and also the longest and the hardest and the most wonderful and the most challenging...  This year I have learned that what I pictured life to be like with a child is drastically different in real life.  I had a LOT of time to think about it and prepare and hope and pray and never did I think it would be like this. It's both amazing and the hardest job in the world. I'm thankful every minute of the day and I'm exhausted every minute of the day.  I don't doubt that it is likely very different for me than most other moms since I have a son with some special needs and a more-or-less disabled husband so things are much more challenging than I thought they would be but they are also wonderful.

We're very up in the air about what will happen regarding future family. We always wanted multiple children - Hubs always said 2 or 3, I always said 3 or 4 - but now, after what we've been through, what we're both going through physically (AND mentally), and with all of Jack's issues, we just don't know anymore.  We might be one and done. We might adopt. We might try again. I really don't know. Due to significant genetic conditions with my pregnancies with both Jack and Petey, Hubs and I will definitely need to have some genetic testing done to determine our risks with another pregnancy and if we choose to use our frosties, will need PGD.  I am so not ready to face all of that. Months ago I told myself I would start to focus on that after the first of the year. Then January came and went and I still wasn't ready.  Once into February I made myself call and make an appointment to see a genetic counselor. I told myself the hardest part was just making the call. It wasn't.  I made the call. I set up the appointment. I made arrangements for medical records from both pregnancies and from Jack's diagnostic testing to be sent. And every single day I had anxiety about it.  One day last week I had a full blown panic attack. I went in to talk to my therapist and realized that although I was telling myself to be ready, I'm just not.  I called and cancelled the appointment. It was supposed to be today. I'm so relieved it wasn't.  Maybe I'll revisit it in a month or two. Maybe not. I'll have to see how I feel. I just need SOMETHING besides family matters to be my project. I need to try to find myself again and what *I* like to do and what *I* want to do... The last 4 years have been devoted to TTC, to pregnancies, to grief, to navigating this new world as a mom and this unknown world of dwarfism.  I have to do something for ME again before I can be okay devoting myself to the TTC rollercoaster again.

Anywho, that's what's going on with me.  Baby's waking up so I have to go. I will leave you with some sweet pictures of my favorite guy :-)

My little bookworm

Crawling away

The kid loves to eat!

Hi!

Superbaby!

Jack: 7 Months

Well, things have been interesting around here.

I'm in therapy. Hubs is in therapy. We're both on anti-depressants. (Mine seem to be working a bit better than his.) We're also both in PT twice a week for our backs. My parents left last week and I've been cobbling together help from friends and family every day since. It has been hard for me to take care of Jack on my own because a couple weeks ago I pinched a nerve in my neck and twisted funny at the same time, knocking my top 8 vertebrae out of alignment. That was fun. Thanks to PT I'm definitely on the mend and can now hold Jack (and lift him in and out of his crib) so that's a huge improvement. Next week we're going down to just Nanny J in the mornings and all me in the afternoons through bedtime.  Hopefully I'll be ok physically at that point. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous. Luckily though, we have a lot of loving people in our lives that are willing and able to help if I say the word.

Mentally/emotionally it's been a roller coaster.  I mentioned in a previous post that Hubs has been struggling with paternal postnatal depression, anxiety and OCD. It got really bad (and quite scary) for a while there. Turns out he had a bad reaction to the first med he tried so once he switched he got a bit better.  Then we got some tough medical news about Jack (more about that below) and he really spiraled downhill again. That one lasted for a while.  I don't have the energy to write about the hard times except to say that when it's hard it is REALLY REALLY hard, but luckily he seems to be coming out of the worst of it again now.  Thank God.  But during the brief respite of relief I think I was able to finally take a breath and focus a bit more on myself and it was then that I realized just how bad I was. I realized I've been fighting PPD (post partum depression) and I reached out and got some help.  Through therapy I'm now discovering I've been depressed for a long time, starting probably 2 years into infertility and extending through losing Petey, grieving, all the difficulties that go along with being pregnant after loss, receiving the shocking news at the end of my pregnancy about Jack's dwarfism, and now adjusting to life not just as a new mom with a baby but as one with a baby with special needs.  My therapist made a point to say that I have been through multiple traumas over the past few years. I never thought of it that way but she's right. I'm working on being okay.

As for Jack, he's doing awesome. He is such a sweet baby and really is the light of my life. The medical news I mentioned previously was two-fold: We happened to find out on the same day that 1) he'll need to have surgery soon to place ear tubes (it's scheduled for the day after Thanksgiving) and 2) his sleep study results came back and confirmed that not only does he have obstructive apnea (which we expected), but also central apnea which is the one we were hoping wouldn't be present.  Unfortunately the episodes of central apnea were much more prevalent than the obstructive so it's unlikely he'll grow out of it (central = neurological). This past Monday we went to Boston Children's Hospital yet again (quickly becoming our new home away from home) and met with a pulmonologist and the head of the sleep clinic. Jack is now set up with oxygen at night which will hopefully help him breathe better and more consistently. Right now he is not in a C-PAP mask (likely because he is so little) but in three months we have our follow up appt to evaluate the effectiveness and have a repeat sleep study to see if he's receiving enough oxygen through just the nasal cannula.  We haven't started the oxygen yet because we are still waiting for a part to come in but it is very weird to have respiratory equipment in his nursery now. I am not looking forward to having to try to wrangle him into this thing now every time he sleeps and honestly I'm going to be even MORE concerned about him at night now because I'll be worried he'll get the tubing wrapped around his neck :-(

As for the ear tubes: It's a routine surgery for lots of little kids so normally I wouldn't be concerned about it but he does need to go under anesthesia and kiddos with dwarfism often have complications with anesthesia. This will be his first experience with it so I'm not sure how it will go but I'm hoping for the best.  (I'm trying not to think about it much honestly.)

I feel like I've been taking the news in stride but Hubs hasn't been able to do that. He is in much worse shape than me and with every additional thing he just feels overwhelmed and extremely negative. He's having pervasive catastrophic thoughts so when I told him that Jack's study came back as positive for obstructive and central apnea he can't see it as: "Ok, we'll meet with specialists and figure out what will help him breathe better at night", he sees it as: "Oh my god, there's another medical issue with our child and he could die in his sleep and since it's central apnea he will have neurological issues and likely has spinal compression too (since central apnea can be a marker for compression) so he'll have to have back surgery and he'll probably have complications with the anesthesia and and and..."  I am sure it is exhausting. The anxiety reduces him to a paralyzed crying heap of a man who is stuck in his own head and unable to see his way out or gain perspective.  It's hard. And it's hard on me too. I am learning mental illness is a scary and unpredictable beast. It's an ailment - like a broken arm for instance - for which you need treatment (therapy and meds) but unlike a broken arm, you can't SEE your progress. You can't see it heal in tangible ways. You don't know what will re-injure you. You don't know how much longer it will take to be able to be back to full strength again.  It's tough. And I am already dreading the next "bad" news we get because I fully expect for him to spiral downward again. I just have to hope that he's learning tools in therapy, as I am, to be able to better handle the things that are thrown our way.

Our relationship, our marriage, is very different right now because he is very different right now.  He's not himself. And I am different too. It's impossible not to be now that Jack is here. And I think it's also impossible not to be after the things we have been through. It reminds me of this quote:

I think we'll be okay though. We're working through it; in our own ways and together. It will be a long process though. In the meantime I'm taking one day at a time and enjoying my little guy as much as I possibly can. He is just amazing.