Blindsided yet again

I had intended for my next post to be a big AW post full of nursery pictures. This is not that post. And warning: This is not a happy post.

Yesterday (Tuesday) at 35 1/2 weeks I went in for a "routine" OB appt. The dr found that although I had actually lost a couple pounds my belly was measuring big - really big - and decided to send me for an ultrasound to see what the deal was (she suspected too much amnio fluid).

I didn't mind that I was going for an U/S - I hadn't seen my little guy since the 20 week anatomy scan!  I just felt bad that Hubs didn't come because I was sure he would have liked to see him too.  Spoiler: As it turns out, I ended up really wishing Hubs had come yesterday.

I thought the U/S would be quick - measuring the baby, seeing if there was extra amnio fluid, and determining his position. But after 45 mins on my back (very painful BTW) watching the U/S tech measure almost every bone in his body I began to get worried. She acknowledged he had a big head for his gestational age and that there was extra fluid. Besides that she didn't say much. Once done she told me to sit tight so she could just "run the results by the doc real quick".  When she came back she gave me a sealed envelope to bring to the doc and said they wanted to see me back upstairs again immediately. I had no idea what to think and carried that envelope like it was kryptonite. 

I had to wait 15 agonizing mins for the doc and once she came in she got right to business: The sealed envelope revealed that our son has dwarfism. His head and belly are in the 97th percentile and all of his arm and leg bones are in the <5 %. (Some <3%.) There is no doubt about it.  This child I'm carrying is a "little person".  Our little miracle rainbow, our happy ending, is a dwarf.  I am absolutely dumbstruck. Yet again.

Tomorrow is 1 year TO THE DAY that we went in to see the perinatologist and specialists and learned that Petey wouldn't make it due to his birth defects. And tomorrow we will be back there again, in the same place, with the same doctors, to learn about Rainbow's birth defects. Happy fucking anniversary.  I am apparently incapable of creating and carrying a healthy normal child. I am in complete shock.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) we will learn just how bad it is - what form of dwarfism he has, if he has other issues affected by this, what the complications are, what our next steps are...  There is also the issue that based on today's measurements I am actually measuring at 41 weeks right now (no wonder why I've been so damn uncomfortable). We will need to discuss what that and the excess amnio fluid means for labor and delivery. The doc said today that at a maximum they will not let me go past 39 weeks but even that may be a stretch. It also sounds like a C-section is pretty much a given because I won't be able to vaginally deliver a baby with a head that large.  As it is, their best guess on his birth weight is 11 pounds.  ELEVEN! She also mentioned that I may need to be sent to a different hospital to deliver.

I just hope that tomorrow we will be able to get clarity on his situation. I know NOTHING about dwarfism. It is something I have never once given any thought to whatsoever. And I didn't want to google too much but from what I could find it seems it is a genetic mutation and there are 4 major forms: The most common one (the one you see on the TLC show "Little People Big World") is also the one with the fewest complications and affords the best quality of life. That is our best-case scenario. There are other forms that have more medical issues requiring surgeries, use of a wheelchair throughout life, etc., and there is also one form that is deadly. Please pray that whatever news we receive tomorrow will be as good as it can be.

Y'know, I remember saying back in the early days of this pregnancy that all I wanted was a healthy child.  (And that's true - still, the most important thing is that he is healthy.)  But perhaps I should have been more specific.

I just don't understand. Why...?  How...? I just don't get it.  Exactly 1 year to-the-day later and we're back in the same place wondering again: How can this be our reality?