36 week check-in

36 weeks down and 3 weeks (at most) to go since they won't let me go past 39.

Wow do I feel different writing this week's check-in post...  I had intended to talk about my plight with finding good nursing bras and tanks (which, btw is a royal pain in the ass) and my ridiculous acid reflux that now has me "sleeping" in a chair much of the night.  But that seems rather unimportant now.

I don't really know what to say.  Both Hubs and I go back and forth feeling like this news of ours is huge and important and upsetting to feeling like: "What's the big deal? The signs are pointing to him being healthy and that is what is most important. He'll just be short!"  The latter is obviously the attitude we want to have all the time and I'm hoping we will once we 100% come to terms with the situation.  But we're also not naive to the fact that our son is going to face more challenges than he should have to. Things are going to be harder for him than they should be and he'll always be seen as "different". That is the part I hate.  That's not what we want for him. But we also know that we're going to have to find a way to never feel a sense of pity for him and to make sure others don't pity him either (or that he pities himself). We're going to have to make sure he always knows A) how much he is loved and B) that even though he may look different it doesn't mean he is "less than" or incapable of doing anything he wants to do in this life.

It's slightly daunting that we are going to have to somehow find a way to become Super Parents overnight. There's always room for little mistakes of course but when it comes to daily situations and questions and experiences every single thing will matter. Everything we say and do, every way we react, will affect his self-esteem and the way he sees his place in this world. We are always going to have to have the correct reaction in all situations.   We are always going to have to let negative comments and stares and children's innocent-yet-hurtful questions roll off our backs.  We are forever going to be in the role of "educator" to the rest of the world. 

But, this is the challenge we have been given. And I know we'll rise to it.  Not just because I have faith in Hubs and myself as people and as parents but also because I have faith in our relationship. It will be hard and it will be different than what we have always pictured but it will be okay. If there's anything I've learned over the past (almost) three years through infertility and loss it's that things don't always turn out how you think they will. I guess life is about adapting to the situation and finding a way to move forward in your new normal. I am not the same person I was 3 years ago (or even 1 year ago) and I won't be the same person a year from now either. But I guess that's life.

Hubs and I told almost everyone our news yesterday. And everyone has been amazing: Our families just listened, asked questions, and then reaffirmed that they're here for us and that this doesn't change a thing about the fact they love him and can't wait to meet him; our friends have rallied around us and offered support and love; our bosses/coworkers are giving us any and all flexibility needed... everyone has been great. This helps me with the attitude I'm trying to keep of: "What's the big deal?".

But there are things we'll have to change too in preparation for our son. For instance,  we learned that little people naturally have a bowing in their spine so baby items like swings and rock n' plays (and anything without solid back support) are not good for their bodies since the angle they sit at will exacerbate it and can lead to serious spinal issues.  We'll have to go this weekend and exchange certain items and find new toys and things that will be better suited for him.  And down the road it's possible we'll have to make BIG changes to better accommodate his condition. For instance: We have a lot of stairs in our house so we expect we may need to move to a ranch-style home once he starts walking; and we may need to move to be closer to specialists or particular schools; I may be a SAHM now when I may not have made that specific decision before...  All that will be figured out though. For now we are just trying to learn what we can and prepare before he makes his big appearance.

As for me, I'm doing okay physically, but I feel like I'm about to pop and it scares me. I really want to be able to hold on another 2 weeks to let his lungs further develop but I'm completely paranoid now that I'm going to go into labor any minute.  I'm so conscious of every single pain and cramp and ache and it bothers me that I feel SO anxious now.  I hope to hang on until April but I also hope my belly doesn't get any bigger. Methinks that is impossible.  Particularly because I have noticed that I have to eat substantially more lately. The last week+ I have been hungry almost all the time and if I don't eat every 2ish hours I feel really sick. The docs said he's still expected to grow about half a pound a week until I give birth so I suspect this is not going to go away and somehow my body is going to find a way to grow even more.  I wish I didn't know that I'm actually measuring at 41+ weeks.  I think that is stuck in my head now and it makes me feel like even more of an invalid than I already did.  I'm afraid to move at this point for fear of the pressure breaking my water.

Here's the pic I took on Tuesday morn just before the appt when I found out all this news:

I'm even larger now than this pic but am still holding steady at +17-18 lbs. Belly button still hasn't popped, hand swelling is out of control, and we can now add farting to the list!  Yay!

I have lots of appts coming up and it will be interesting to see how far I get before I go into labor.  For instance, will I even make it to the appt that's already been scheduled for March 30th or will I have my baby in my arms by then? I'm anxious and excited.  I just pray that when he is born he will be healthy. 

 ::Sigh::  If it's one thing we've gotten good at due to everything we've been through, it's figuring out how to wait - particularly when we don't know if we're going to be receiving good news or bad news.  
Fingers crossed.