TTCAL...after IF

I came to a surprising realization today that I'm GLAD we're benched.  I'm not glad for the reason since it's due to high blood pressure, but I think I'm glad that the decision was taken out of my hands.

Bear with me while I try to make sense of my feelings here...

I had expressed my ambivalence previously about moving forward with a FET but it's only now that the decision has been made for us that I'm realizing I didn't feel very good about it.  A few weeks ago I couldn't think of a good concrete reason why NOT to move forward with starting up IF treatments again so I concluded that that meant I should just go for it. ["Get busy living or get busy dying", right RR? ;-) ] But now that the decision has been made for us and I can take a step back and allow myself to feel my feelings I've realized I'm not ready for all that again. 

I don't want to live that life again. The infertility life, I mean. I don't want all the doctor's appointments and the medications and the all-encompassing thoughts that come along with it.  IF runs your life.  It ran my life for 1.5 years and then pregnancy ran my life for 5 months.  After that, grief ran my life and while sometimes it still does, I am trying to find a way for me to run my OWN life again. I barely even remember how that feels. By jumping right back into IF treatments I am giving it that power again and I think it's that which I am not ready for.

I think this because Hubs and I are still TTC on our own (in a bed, just me and him as is the experience of most normal couples). And I feel good about it! I think I would be okay and happy with a spontaneous pregnancy so I don't think it's the prospect of being pregnant again which I struggle with, I think it's the idea of facing (fighting) infertility again. 

The title of this blog post; "TTCAL...after IF" I guess is really about the two things I'm struggling with: The complicated feelings associated with trying again after a devastating loss; and those which accompany trying again after battling infertility. Both things have scarred me deeply but in very different ways.  And I'm surprised to come to the realization that in trying to move forward, I think TTC again after IF is a bigger mountain for me to climb right now.

Mt Katahdin, Maine: End of the Appalachian Trail and my old stomping grounds

I know I have very little (if any) chance of conceiving again without a FET but for now I'm just not ready. I am taking advantage of these next few months to get healthier and focus on me instead of wasting all my energy on trying to control things I can't control. Hopefully somewhere along the way I'll gain a new perspective and new strength and will eventually feel ready again.