August

Well, we're here:  August. Petey's birth month.

Since mid-March I have been dreading this month. Prior to that, I couldn't WAIT for it. I remember posting our announcement picture on Facebook back in February and writing that baby "Chickin" would be "arriving August 2014". It felt SO far away to me then and now here it is already.  

I should be 38 weeks pregnant today. 38. I should be huge right now and having trouble breathing and impatiently awaiting Petey's arrival. I should have a completed nursery upstairs, with cutesy animal sheets and piles of diapers ready to go and tiny baby clothes hanging in the closet.  I should be feeling excitement and anticipation and fear. I should be ready for my life to never be the same again.

Well, that one's true at least; my life will indeed never be the same again, but for a very different reason.

I hope that at some point down the road I will find that this quote applies to me once again but with positive connotations instead of negative. Hopefully we will be blessed someday with a healthy rainbow baby and my life will never again be the same from that point on.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this current 2WW that I am in.  I want to get pregnant again. I want to have a family. I want for this to work.  But I just miss my Petey so much. Is there room in my heart to love another little baby as much as I love(d) Petey? August is HIS month. If we got a BFP this cycle, not only would I need to make room in my heart for a new baby (not to mention all the fears that come along with being PGAL) but I'd need to find a way to feel the sadness of Petey's month and the joy of another pregnancy at the same time. I have no idea how I'd mix such happiness and such sadness and still carry on like everything's okay. I would feel guilt about not grieving Petey enough and I would feel guilt about not celebrating a new baby enough.  Lose-lose. 
At the same time, if this cycle is a BFN... well, let's just say I expect my mental state won't be fabulous.

But, "what is meant to be will be" with this cycle and I'll just have to wait and see. So for now, I'll try to focus on the fact that I have made it through one of the days I have been dreading for months in (mostly) one piece.  I'll deal with August one day at a time and eventually it will be September.  Maybe I'll be pregnant.  Maybe I'll be 10 lbs lighter.  Maybe I'll be in the same place I am today. And if that's the case then so be it.