In ways it makes me sad that I could not seem to find a way to express some of those feelings here though because I do make a point on this blog to be authentic when I'm writing. What is not authentic though, is that I've filtered myself and my pain. I just read back through a lot of my published blog posts since we said goodbye to Petey and if I didn't know any better, if it wasn't ME who has had to make it through every day of this life since March 18th, I would think moving on was almost easy.
It wasn't. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I have no idea if it will ever end. There is no way to explain what it is like to grieve the loss of your child - to be moving along through life with trust in your heart and then to be so slapped in the face by the world that you are left dumbstruck. There is no way for others to understand how awful and heart-wrenching and lonely and exhausting it all is. And since it's so exhausting I don't have to energy to try to explain it. It's easier for me to just focus on living and trying to remain positive and trying to keep myself facing away from the dark hole that is always waiting there, ready to swallow me up. One slight misstep, one unexpected trigger, one day spent thinking too much and not distracting myself enough, and I'm falling again. Sometimes I can claw my way out of it by the next day. Other times I sit alone on the floor of that dark hole for weeks and don't even have the energy to look up to see how close or far away I may be from the light.
I have written some raw posts on my other blog. Sometimes I want to share them. Sometimes I want to show you all exactly what this is like so you can know how life is for me now but I don't want to do that to you. I appreciate the love and support so much more than you could ever know and the last thing I would want to do is alienate you. As much as you care about me and may be thinking to yourself right now that I shouldn't feel like I need to censor myself, trust me when I say that you're better off not knowing. I hope you never will know what this is like. And truth be told, I really am in an okay place most of the time.
I am proud of myself for consistently exercising and now really focusing on my health. That feels like a success to me. Just three months ago even driving down the street to pick up milk was a success. I have come a long way. This part of me is what you mainly see on my blog - it's no wonder why people keep saying I'm so strong. I have felt like this is not strength, it's merely survival. Then I found this quote:
Based on this definition it's true that sometimes I am strong. But I've mostly only been showing you my strength because it's too hard for me to find a way to share all the times when I choose to cry instead of move forward. So this is me, sharing:
Sometimes I'm an absolute mess.
Sometimes I am weak and overwhelmed and unable to cope with life.
Sometimes I have no hope and am angry and bitter and hate everyone and everything.
Sometimes I waste away entire days in bed, scouring the internet for other women's stories of loss searching and searching and searching for something I can't even identify.
But then there are the other times; times when I "choose to smile and take another step forward instead". I think I write about those times because they make me feel good. It is a constant battle to try to feel positive so I spend my time writing about those instances instead of sharing things that will just make me (and you) feel worse. But it doesn't mean those times aren't there. They definitely are. And they're probably not going away anytime soon. I hope that if I continue to choose to take steps forward they will slowly start to fade into the background and then this blog will be authentic again. I hope there will come a day when I won't have to filter through the bad to write about the good any longer because there will be so much good.
I hope.
You are strong woman Chickin. Not just sometimes, but every single day. You aren't hiding the pain, you are dealing with it in your own way, even if that means allowing yourself to be angry or bitter, or keeping those feelings locked away in a personal blog. It takes a strong woman deal with that kind of pain.
ReplyDeleteYou remind me of one of my favorite quotes I came across while dealing with infertility. "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." You don't see the strength because it has become part of your everyday life, but trust me we see your strength Chickin.
Thank you so much Twinkie :'-) That is a perfect quote and so true.
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DeleteI can feel your pain in this post. But also your desire for the sun to shine. You're so strong. Time heals everything. You're in my thoughts tonight. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteChickin, I totally respect your desire to keep this blog focusing on the hopeful/more positive aspects of your life. But I can tell you, you will never alienate us. I can't imagine how painful the past few months have been for you. And how hard this month must be. But the fact that you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and the fact that you are always there to support the rest of us, shows me what a strong and amazing woman you are. If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me. <3
ReplyDeleteI love you. I think of you three (your DH, Petey, and you) every day. I don't think that there is anything wrong with the way you've been operating the past several months. Your survival tactics fill me with awe. Yes, you are strong. So strong even though you don't always see it. And you are beautiful and graceful. I'm sorry for the dark times. I wish there was a way to make them go away. But you, my dear, are more radiant than the brightest star in the sky. Whether you turn your back to the black hole or face it head on... You'll outshine it. You ARE out shining it. Every ray of sunshine you post on here, filtered or not, is proof of the incredible work you are doing. Chickin, you are simply brilliant!!
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely strong. In my opinion, being strong isn't about not having those moments of being weak and overwhelmed and a mess. It's about having those moments and still being able to smile and take that next step forward. I respect your decision to keep those thoughts private (and am always amazed at how you continue to put the feelings of other people before your own), all that's important to me is that you know that I/we would be willing to listen or sit in the dark hole with you if you needed someone. I am so hopeful for you too. As always, you guys are in my thoughts and prayers <3
ReplyDeleteYou are honestly so amazing, you don't even see the extent of it. I think it's really great you have another blog, a place you don't censor yourself, a place you let yourself just BE, however that is. Falling apart, crying, sitting in the dark. The fact that you can allow yourself a place to try and work through those feelings without trying to push them aside or ignore them is so very brave. The fact that you get up and manage to put one foot forward, is an accomplishment. Strong isn't being "ok" all the time, strong is going through hell and back and still going. You are an inspiration whether you think it or not, I am beyond grateful to call you my friend, I am so thankful for the friendship that I have found in you. I love you more than words can say and I want you to know that Petey is loved and remembered, and not just by you and your H, by those of us here who love you all more than we can say. I pray for you all every day. I love you <3
ReplyDeleteThank you J :'-) Thank you all so much - I don't know what I'd do without you all <3 <3 <3
DeleteI understand the need to vent it all out and put even the most private thoughts out there without a filter and without wondering how other's will respond, but know that you aren't going to scare us off! We all love you and are here for you, especially when things are hard and we all want to support you! You are so very strong and brave! <3
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