I don't know how I feel.
I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know how to tell if I'm ready. I don't know if I'll ever truly feel ready.
I knew this was coming. I didn't really expect it on a random Monday evening while I was standing in the kitchen arranging a vase of flowers from the garden but I knew it was coming. I think I hoped it would come later though. Like in a month or maybe two or maybe a year. Or maybe never.
I feel so different about TTC now. I still want to have a baby. I still picture us as a happy little family with kids playing in the backyard, bikes laying on the driveway, and toys strewn about. I still want that to be our future, I just don't know at what point in time this daydream of mine takes place. Is it the immediate future? Is it 5 years down the road? 7? I'm 32, I'm not getting any younger. If I got pregnant today I wouldn't even have my first child in my arms until I'm 33. And I want a brood! I've always wanted 3 or 4 of them. If this daydream has any hope of becoming a reality I better get moving. Time is starting to run out.
Hubs asked me what I felt like I was waiting for. He was sensitive about it, don't get me wrong, but direct. And I couldn't answer him because I don't know. I think I'm just afraid. Some bumpie who is TTCAL said you'll know you're ready when the excitement (of trying again) outweighs the fear. I don't feel excitement, I feel tired. I feel dread and fear. I know what it's like to be pregnant now. Besides the amazing fact that you're growing a human inside of you, being pregnant SUCKS. It's really hard on your body and your emotions. Am I ready for that again? Am I ready for any of this again? All the dr. appts and the bloodwork and medications and dildo cams and getting up at the ass crack of dawn to drive 1.5 hrs to the office. All the doctors and all the disappointments. I hated that part of my life. Although I never would have chosen the path we've had to lead, it was sort of nice to have a break from all of that and just live for a bit. Am I ready to put myself in a position that could lead right back to unbelievable heartbreak again??
But there's that pesky time thing... and the fact that Hubs
So now I'm sitting here with my heart in my throat staring at my RE's business card. The one that I tucked away happily at the beginning of the year, thinking and hoping I wouldn't have to dig out again until well into 2015 when we were ready for a FET for our second child. (And if I'm being honest, the one I hoped I'd never have to dig it out again because in my dreams, my body magically fixes itself after having Petey and I never have to go through the pain of IF again!! Right.)
But I think today I don't feel ready to make that call. I think I'll just tuck it away again for at least one more day. Or one more week. Or one more month...
I wish I could close my eyes and fast forward to my happy future.
Ohhh my goodness. Everything you just wrote is exactly what I feel right now, too. I want more kids, and if that is what I want, then I need to be pumping some kids out pretty quickly. I think after what we have been through, we never are totally ready to try again. Months ago, my OB told me that I could try again when I felt emotionally ready. I told my OB that if I tried again in six weeks, six months, six years... I'll never really be prepared. He agreed with me. Like you, I didn't think I would have to call my RE up again until Spring of 2015. And here I am... jumping in the deep end way sooner than I ever expected. I hope that you make the right decision for you when the time feels right (or at least, feels as right as it ever will). If you ever need to talk, you know I'm here! I understand what you are going through.
ReplyDeleteThank you Krystal. Just...thank you. I hate that you're going through this too but it is nice to know I'm not alone. I think about you so often and I'm hoping for you :-)
DeleteChickin, I can't imagine being where you are right now, and I won't pretend to know how you're feeling. The only thing that comes to mind to me is that everything in life that is worth having is worth the potential heartbreaks you may have to face along the way. The end result is worth the fear and the anxiety and the pain - it has to be, or what are we all doing even pursuing IF treatment in the first place? We go through all of this because that baby in our arms at the end of the day is so important that there's nothing we aren't willing to do. But that takes a great deal of bravery to confront some days, and for some of us, more bravery than others because our paths take us to some dark places that others don't have to endure.
ReplyDeleteSo all I really have to offer you is a "you can do it." You can be brave enough to do this again - maybe not today, but eventually. Maybe it takes some psyching up, but you can do it. Good luck, and you know all your girls are rooting for you!
Oh, Chickin. I am so sorry you find yourself at this crossroads and that it is so difficult. IF sucks and I am sorry that you are having to deal with it once again. I hope you find a path that is right for you on a time table that you are comfortable with. I wish there was something I could say that would make these decisions easier for you, but I've got nothing. Just know I am always thinking of you and sending you lots of love! <3
ReplyDeleteI can't begin to imagine what this has been like for you, nor how you must be feeling as you wrestle with all of these feelings. I know there are times when you doubt it, but you truly are a strong and amazing woman, and I know that you will get there when you get there. You don't need to rush yourself, or push yourself before you're ready. I don't know how you ever really "be ready" for this either. All I know for sure is that you are never alone, we are here for you. You and Petey are always in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you know that I would do anything and everything if I could make this any easier for you. Sending all my love your way <3
ReplyDeleteChickin, I can't even imagine how difficult this decision is for you. Just know that we're here for you. And your feelings are completely and totally rational and valid. I'm not sure how you will decide when you're ready, but I know that you are a strong and amazing woman. And I have faith that you will be able to know when the right time is for you. Sending you lots of love and huge squishy ((hugs)) <3
ReplyDeleteI knew I was ready once I realized that time would not alter the love I had for my son, whom was stillborn. In fact, his 21st birthday is Friday-he remains my sweet little boy.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it was a coincidence that her time of birth,6:13 is the same as his birth date 6/13. It was a message that it was ok to fully love this new baby. And I have!
Good luck to you.
Cathy, that is absolutely beautiful that your daughter's birth time is the same as your angle baby's birthday. It's so good to hear that you are able to have enough love in your heart for them both.
DeleteChickin, my dear, I am always thinking of you. While our situations are different, very different, the idea of readiness is somewhat similar. You can't rush it (unfortunately). But just because you feel like you're not ready today doesn't mean that you won't be ready tomorrow. There is no specific date on the calendar that says "Chickin's Ready Day." When considering the possibility of donor eggs, I went through all the phases so intensely... The transition from one to the other was sometimes smooth, but more often a sudden snap. And there is no one in the world who can tell you how it will be for you. But I think when you're ready, you'll know it without a doubt. Sending lots of love! Xoxo
ReplyDeleteLove you my sweet friend. ((Hugs))
ReplyDelete