Update post (weeks 17 & 18)

Ok so I started writing a check-in post last week but must have gotten distracted because I never posted it.  Whoops. And I am now 18 weeks! So here's a super long double post.

I am happy to be 18 weeks along. But it's also a tough number for me to see because it was during our 18th week with Petey that we found out s/he wouldn't make it. 18 is not a number filled with happy feelings for me. BUT, I am trying to turn my thinking around and focus on the fact that this is NOT the same pregnancy and 18 weeks this time does not mean the same thing that 18 weeks last time meant. 

Since my last post I've gotten some wonderful ladies checking in on me to make sure I'm doing okay with the knowledge that this baby is a boy since I previously said that I expected I'd have a problem mentally/emotionally if that was the case (since it would make me question what I've felt about Petey all this time).  Well, it was/is a little tough every now and then but overall it's okay.  As the weeks tick on I find I'm starting to be able to further separate my pregnancy with this baby from my pregnancy with Petey in my mind. (That's something I'm consciously working on.) And Kate's previous comment really helped put my mind more at ease when she said that her two pregnancies have been extremely different even though her babies are both boys so that makes me feel like it's still possible that Petey was a boy as I've felt in my heart.

Here's the bump pic I took last week after we learned we have what looks to be a healthy baby boy:

Now at 18 weeks I'm still about a pound under my starting weight and depending on what I wear sometimes I look pregnant and other times I just look like I ate too many donuts.

Speaking of donuts, I met with the nutritionist last week to talk about how poor my diet is right now since I have aversions to pretty much everything except simple carbs.  It was a good appt and she completely empathized with my weirdo eating due to almost constant nausea (and the puking has decided to stage a comeback in the last week or so too, yippee)  but didn't seem concerned about it. Surprisingly, she was more interested in talking about my lack of weight gain.  I don't want to say she seemed worried but she did say that while right now it's not an issue yet, at this stage they'd like to see me start to gain. She also made a point to say they do NOT want to see me losing weight, and she gave me some tips for ways to add items with higher calories and more protein into my diet so that's helpful.  I have to say, after dealing with weight issues my whole life it is definitely a new thing to be failing at trying to gain weight. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

I am wondering if the concern about weight gain has anything to do with a piece of info we got during last week's anatomy scan?  We found out that I still have an anterior placenta (which is fine, it just makes it harder to feel baby's movements - still waiting!) and that the placenta has a post Succenturiate lobe. What that means is that there's the regular placenta and then also a second additional part (lobe) connected to the main placenta via blood vessels and attached to different part of the uterus. (Here's the official definition: Clicky!) Apparently having an additional lobe (or a bi-lobal placenta) can sometimes result in poor growth for the baby so that's something to watch for. (It also means the OB will  likely have to manually remove all of the placenta after I give birth to avoid hemorrhaging.  Yeah, I'll avoid thinking about that for right now.) At this point though, the baby is still measuring on track growth-wise so the perinatologist said not to worry. It would probably help ease my mind a bit if I could start gaining some weight soon though.

I'm trying not to think about the fact that my placenta is abnormal.  Apparently this happens in less than 3% of pregnancies.  I also have a 2 vessel cord which is abnormal too. Petey had a 2 vessel cord as well.  Neither of these things are particularly troublesome according to doctors (except that some studies have shown a correlation between 2 vessel cords and renal problems which I had with Petey and may also have with this baby) but I'm just sick of being classified into the "abnormal" categories.  I hate that when a possible issue arises and people say "oh don't worry about that, it's really rare" it seems like it always happens to me and I find myself on the wrong end of the statistics. At this point I just assume I will get gestational diabetes. And that I'll end up on bedrest. And that I'll get preeclampsia and have to deliver early... I just assume that the bad things that happen in some pregnancies will inevitably happen in mine. I guess it's because that has been much of my experience.  Hopefully this is as far as it goes though, and moving forward this pregnancy will join the ranks of the "normal" pregnancies and I won't have to be "special" anymore. I just want to be normal.

Ok, this post is awfully long and rambly so I think I'll end here.  I did have my first therapy appointment earlier this week (which went well!) but I think I'll save that for another post.

PS: My sister and I decided randomly last night that we're going to fly to Florida on Sunday to visit my parents for a few days. I think we both need a mini-break and a chance to soak in some gulf-coast sunsets. BUT, this means that the cat will officially be out of the bag!  They still don't even know I'm pregnant so it should be quite the shock when they pick us up from the airport! I hope I'm ready for this!

 

RELIEF!!! (Anatomy scan results)

Holy lord was that difficult. This past month waiting for today's anatomy scan has been my own personal kind of hell. I cannot tell you how happy I am that it is finally over. And man oh man do I appreciate aaaallll the support from you wonderful ladies here and on PAIF and SAIF and TB - I really don't know what I would do without you all. I SO appreciate all the comments and the love and positive thoughts!!! <3 <3

So now, I am THRILLED to say that I have good news to report!!

Our rainbow appears to be healthy.   Pheeeewwwwwww.

::I am taking deep calming breaths as I type this, letting more and more of the anxiety go and more and more of the relief seep in::

They were able to confidently rule out any kind of neural tube defect or paralysis. No markers for Downs' Syndrome.  Only one marker for Trisomy 18 (they found choroid plexus cysts in the brain which, in recent years have been proven to not be reliable as a marker anyway so the perinatologist said do NOT worry and do NOT google.  I will not.) Besides that the brain looks good, no hydrocephalus, all parts of the brain are there(!), all parts of the body were moving(!), and overall our baby appeared healthy and measuring a couple days ahead!!

It was still too early to see everything in the heart so the dr is not making a judgment call on that yet. The heart was beating though and there were the proper number of chambers so during A/S 2.0 (in 2.5 weeks on Monday Nov 24th) they will be able to tell for sure if all is good with the heart.

The one not so great piece of news today was that it looks like our baby may only have one kidney.  Petey only had one kidney too but while his was barely functioning this one is strong.  Lots of people only have one and it's certainly not life-threatening so if that is the case, that is totally fine.  (My perspective on what is worrisome is sooooo different now.) Doc said it was possible it is just a little too early so that's why we couldn't find it but he wasn't too optimistic. There didn't look to be blood flow to the left side where there should have been. On Nov 24th we will know for sure.  Hopefully it will be there but in the broad scheme of things this is very miniscule.

I am SO. F-ING. RELIEVED I don't even have the words to express it.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnndddddd...........





We found out the sex!  :-D 





(Warning: Total fetal porn below)





So much for 'mother's intuition'! 

BAM!  Hello little willy! Baby boy was not at ALL shy.  I was shocked it was so easy to see and, quite honestly, slightly taken aback that it's so visible so early. Yikes! haha! Hubs, on the other hand, is one proud papa, LOL!

I can't believe we're having a little boy. A little healthy baby boy!!! I am so so HAPPY I can't stop the tears from leaking out.  Hubs and I just looked at each other and cried and smiled and cried some more when we found out. So many happy tears and just... amazement.  

This little guy certainly put us through the wringer today though.  He was moving during the U/S but refused to turn off of his back or change positions.  The U/S Tech had to dig around in my stomach for a LONG time, had me lay on my side, drink water, walk around, go pee... nothing worked.  Talk about flashbacks to previous scans when Petey wouldn't cooperate.  It was not a pleasant experience.  Finally I suggested trying a transvaginal U/S and I'm glad I did because although she didn't glean too much additional info from the T/V part, when we tried the regular U/S one last time he had flipped upside down so she was able to see the full (closed!) spine and the (lack of 2) kidneys.  It was a long appointment - almost 2 hours in total since we met with the perinatologist for results directly afterwards.  I am just so so happy though.  The relief feels like soothing waves enveloping my body and just washing over me.

I am just so THANKFUL.

 

 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Looks like I have some store returns to make.... what a dope :-D )

 

3 days to go

I just got my appointment reminder from MFM that my anatomy scan is this Thursday.

Oh yes, I am aware. Believe me, noooooo reminder necessary.

ANXIETYYYYY!!!!!!!

3 days to go....

16 week check-in

I have now reached 16 weeks which means the anatomy scan is one week away!  Please oh please oh please let it bring us good news....

We'll also be finding out next week if this little baby is a girl or a boy.  As long as the baby is healthy I will be happy either way but I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't mess me up in the head a little if we find out it's a boy.  Only because I have convinced myself that Petey was a boy (though we elected NOT to find out for sure) and since my pregnancy symptoms and "cravings" (or lack there-of) have been SO different with this pregnancy it leads me to believe that I'm currently carrying the opposite sex. Therefore, if this baby is a boy it will make me question what I've felt in my heart about Petey all this time. ::sigh::  We shall see.

It's funny to me to think back about how I felt about the upcoming anatomy scan when I was pregnant the first time. I had a countdown going a month out and was SO EXCITED for the day to finally come so we could find out the sex! The fact that the whole purpose of the A/S is to make sure the baby is growing properly and is healthy really didn't even enter my mind; of course my baby was perfect!  This time I've had a countdown going again but for a whooole different reason.  Now finding out the sex is the afterthought and this last month has just been filled with anxiety for us.  But it's finally less than a week away and I'm just about counting the hours at this point.

I'm feeling pretty good physically, nothing major to note.  My belly is definitely growing. It's like once I hit 2nd tri it triggered a switch and now I'm ballooning. At 16 weeks I look similar to how I did at 20w with Petey. I still have not gained any weight yet though.

I had my routine prenatal with a high risk OB last Tuesday. Everything went well and the doppler worked this time, thank God. Baby's heart is still beating away at 150ish bpm and the doctor told me that "the size of [my] uterus is impressive". I must admit I feel a funny sense of pride about that for some reason. (Like I have any control over it...)

This was the first time I had met that doctor. It was SO different from seeing my midwife.  She is all touchy-feely, always wanting to talk about everything and offering all kinds of information and hugs and reassurance... Whereas he was the absolute stereotype of a cold, unfeeling doctor with absolutely no bedside manner.  He answered each of my questions in monotone, offering no additional information if I did not specifically ask for it, and gave no reassurance about anything. Example:

Me: Do you have the results of the urine sample I gave during my last appt?
Doc: Yes, it's in your file.
Me: Good. They're not posted on the online patient portal so can you tell me if everything came back ok?
Doc: You tested positive for Group B Strep. ::Goes back to what he was doing::
Me: And that means what exactly...?
Doc: It means you carry a bacterial infection in your body that could be harmful to the baby if it is passed to him during delivery.  ::Goes back to what he was doing::
Me: Ooookay, so what is going to be done to make sure it's not passed?
Doc: You'll get an antibiotic via IV during labor. 
-End of convo-

The fact that I had to pull the info out of him annoyed me a little (and of course I went home a googled GBS and I see it's pretty common - about 25% of women have it - and doesn't seem to be a big deal) but honestly? His complete lack of bedside manner really didn't bother me too much.  I much prefer my midwife's approach but I'm not really looking for reassurance and hand-holding right now, I am just going through the necessary motions like a robot until I can get to the anatomy scan and confirm that everything is okay. My advice to anyone who is newly pregnant though, is to look into a midwife vs. a physician if you have the option. When you're newly PG you have no f-ing clue what you are doing so it's helpful to have someone who actually wants to tell you things.

Finally, I wanted to end on the best moment of the week! 
I received an awesome present in the mail this week from a very sweet and thoughtful woman (Erin K) in my SAIF FB group! She told me she was out shopping and saw this, thought of me and just had to get it for my little rainbow :-)  I am just bowled over by that. When we lost Petey I hadn't been a part of the SAIF group for very long at all but still the amount of support and love I received was just incredible. Now, even though I'm PG I'll admit that it's still been hard for me sometimes to see babies (especially recently since I sort of feel like I'm in limbo) and so I'm currently not very active in the group. I recognize Erin of course, and would know a picture of her and her adorable boys anywhere but we've never actually had a one-on-one conversation. So I am just so humbled and appreciative that she would not only think of me but actually buy something (awesome) for my baby :'-)  There are a lot of good people in the world.
Check out my baby's first Patriots "jersey"!!

ADORABLE.

And look at that - you even get a bump pic out of the deal! :-)

15 (& 1/2) weeks: Positive steps

So, I've taken some positive steps since my last post:

• I contacted a therapist and set up my first appointment. She couldn't get me in until Nov 11th but at least it's scheduled.
• I opened up to Hubs that night about everything. He was very understanding and said he would help in whatever way he could. It was a good conversation and it helped to set me at ease a little bit. I guess I was really holding a lot in because after that convo I finally slept well and woke up feeling good the next morning. That hasn't happened in a long time.
• I called up a friend to get together for lunch on Saturday. I'm glad I did.
• I went to a Halloween Party last night and saw a lot of people and it was totally fine.  I even ran into our friend A and his mysterious wife (remember them? The ones we unexpectedly ran into at the RE's office last year when we were going through IVF but I STILL had not met her?) and she's PG too, about 2 weeks behind me!  AND, I like her!  I thought she would be weird and snobby or something but she wasn't!  I hope we get together more.

Okay, so I'm proud of myself for all of that stuff and I hope I keep it up.  I guess I was in a real downward swing but hopefully things are starting to look up now. Being PgAL is QUITE the rollercoaster.

-------

So now I'm a bit over 15 weeks which means we have less than 2 weeks until our anatomy scan. I also have a routine prenatal appt this Tues with the high risk OB. Hopefully everything will go well there because Hubs can't come. I know I'm still PG because I can feel the stretching, etc. every day but I'm still afraid. I think I have PTSD from the last appt when I thought it was all over.

My belly has officially popped in the last weekish. Here I am in all my saggy-ass maternity pants glory:

My maternity pants fit me well with the last pregnancy but this time they are too big since I had lost some weight right before getting PG. I absolutely refuse to buy more at this point though since I suspect that if I continue with my crap-filled diet I will fill them up soon enough. For now I will deal with the sag. 

I'm still holding steady at -1 lb below starting weight. I suspect this is because I still hate all food. Every now and then something will sound good so I run right out and get it on the spot since that happens so seldom. Otherwise I mostly have to force myself to eat.  There's a lot of cereal consumption happening 'round here.  Nausea's still hanging in there but I can't complain. Plus, the Zofran usually works.

Other than that things are fine physically and I'm just waiting.

Thank you to everyone who offered support over the last week. I really appreciate it. <3