Friday, March 27, 2015

1 Year: Petey's Angelversary

March 27th.  It's been 1 year since we said goodbye to Petey.  I cannot believe it. I've said it before and I'll say it again: this has been both the longest and the fastest year of my life.

At this time last year I wrote in a blog post:
I'm very worried about the future... I don't know how we'll get over this and move on.  I try to remind myself that this is hopefully the hardest time. That every day will get slightly better and slightly easier and though I'll never forget, I'll be able to be myself again someday. There's no way I can picture that yet but I hope that in a year I'll be able to come back to this post and think about how much things have changed since this moment.

Things have certainly changed since that moment 1 year ago.  But I wouldn't say that I am "myself again". I find that most parts of myself have come back and I feel like a whole person again but I have changed. That is undeniable.  There is no way to have an experience like this and not be a changed person.

And today I feel bad. I feel guilty. I want to pretend this isn't the anniversary.  I don't even want to think about it.  I don't want to go back and read the posts I wrote at this time last year and feel all those feelings again and let myself remember that awful time so vividly again. I want to bury it deep down inside because there are so many conflicting emotions I am already dealing with due to our current baby: labor is imminent, we just learned Jack has dwarfism, we have so many questions and concerns about this baby's health now...  One person can only handle so much.  I think I need to forgive myself for that. I am SURE that Petey forgives me for that...

I think of him now not as a baby but as a perfect little angel who is warm and comfortable and content; who understands all of my thoughts and feelings and loves me regardless. A little angel who is always with me and rooting for me/our family and hoping for the best for us all. Maybe that's silly but that's what he's become in my mind. And it gives me a sense of peace.

I think today I will write Petey a letter. It helps me to get my honest and uncensored feelings out. It helps with my sadness and grief. It helps me forgive myself and "move on" when I am missing him so badly it physically hurts.

One year later I can say that the pain of losing a child will never go away. It does lessen. The days do get easier. But I will never "get over it".  I will always be a loss-mama. I will always miss him. I will always wish he was in my arms.

Here is Petey's butterfly (a small needlepoint I made) that now resides in the nursery. It's perched on the shelf over the chair where Jack and I will spend a lot of time breastfeeding. It makes me feel good that we are all together.  It makes me feel safe to sit under it. It makes me feel loved.

I miss you Petey.  I love you.


  1. As usual your post so eloquently states things I've thought but have never been able to articulate. I hope you truly know Petey is an angel. You know enough loss moms now to know he has the most wonderful of company with him, and he is loved and warm and watches you and your.husband and his baby brother. I remember.speaking a lot about forgiveness with my therapist..wondering if our baby forgave us for maybe giving up on was a difficult discussion to have out loud for sure. She told me she didn't believe that heaven,.or whatever you perceive the after life to be, worked that way. She said all those emotions of guilt and grief and sadness are emotions we.carry here on earth, and they are received of those elsewhere. It brought me great comfort.
    I'm thinking of you today. One thing I've learned and I'm sure you have as well, is that emotions change by the minute. Treat yourself gently today. You are cared for by many.

  2. I don't think it is silly at all to think of Petey as an angel watching over you and your family, I think it is a beautiful way to cherish his memory.

    I have been thinking about you a lot Chickie as you are now so close to holding Jack in your arms, I hope and pray everything with the delivery goes well and you welcome a very healthy baby.

  3. I read this over and over again because I can relate to it so well. Nothing takes away the pain of losing a child, not even welcoming a new one. Your Jack will bring you so much happiness and love, and you won't trade him for anything. But you will always wish Petey was here, too. We never get over it, we never find closure. But I do believe it is still possible to live a happy life - even if it is never truly a full life without all our babies. Thinking of you today.

  4. Sending you all love today and everyday <3

  5. I'm stealing this from The Jinx: the pain is the same, but the tears are fewer.

    Always sending warmth and love your way!

  6. Petey understands that his little brother needs some attention, too.

  7. Sending you lots of love. Also, I don't think for one second that Petey would think anything bad about you not wanting to relive painful memories. You carry him in your heart always. And I'm sure he's there looking over you and Jack

  8. Wishing you lots of love and peace. I'm sure Petey is looking down on you with love and pride - he must love and care for his brother too, so I'm sure he doesn't blame you for doing the same. You aren't the same person you were before, that's true, but the person you are now is pretty wonderful and I'm glad to have "met" her!