At this time last year I wrote in a blog post:
I'm very worried about the future... I don't know how we'll get over this and move on. I try to remind myself that this is hopefully the hardest time. That every day will get slightly better and slightly easier and though I'll never forget, I'll be able to be myself again someday. There's no way I can picture that yet but I hope that in a year I'll be able to come back to this post and think about how much things have changed since this moment.
Things have certainly changed since that moment 1 year ago. But I wouldn't say that I am "myself again". I find that most parts of myself have come back and I feel like a whole person again but I have changed. That is undeniable. There is no way to have an experience like this and not be a changed person.
And today I feel bad. I feel guilty. I want to pretend this isn't the anniversary. I don't even want to think about it. I don't want to go back and read the posts I wrote at this time last year and feel all those feelings again and let myself remember that awful time so vividly again. I want to bury it deep down inside because there are so many conflicting emotions I am already dealing with due to our current baby: labor is imminent, we just learned Jack has dwarfism, we have so many questions and concerns about this baby's health now... One person can only handle so much. I think I need to forgive myself for that. I am SURE that Petey forgives me for that...
I think of him now not as a baby but as a perfect little angel who is warm and comfortable and content; who understands all of my thoughts and feelings and loves me regardless. A little angel who is always with me and rooting for me/our family and hoping for the best for us all. Maybe that's silly but that's what he's become in my mind. And it gives me a sense of peace.
I think today I will write Petey a letter. It helps me to get my honest and uncensored feelings out. It helps with my sadness and grief. It helps me forgive myself and "move on" when I am missing him so badly it physically hurts.
One year later I can say that the pain of losing a child will never go away. It does lessen. The days do get easier. But I will never "get over it". I will always be a loss-mama. I will always miss him. I will always wish he was in my arms.
Here is Petey's butterfly (a small needlepoint I made) that now resides in the nursery. It's perched on the shelf over the chair where Jack and I will spend a lot of time breastfeeding. It makes me feel good that we are all together. It makes me feel safe to sit under it. It makes me feel loved.
I miss you Petey. I love you.