Bad things certainly happen to good people.

Thank you all so much for the outpouring of love and support here and especially on facebook. It is so appreciated through all of this.

Unfortunately, after our appts with the specialists today, I do not have good news to report. It looks like we are going to lose our beloved little baby as it has severe mental and physical deformities.  

*~*~*~*~WARNING: The next part is very graphic so stop here if you don't want to read it and skip to the end~*~*~*~*

Although our integrated genetic screening revealed very low risk, we hit the bad luck jackpot and our baby has severe Spina Bifida (a neural tube defect that does NOT run in either of our families). Most of the baby's spine is wide open which has caused irreparable nerve damage and it has severe brain deformities with 'water on the brain' (hydrocephalus). The head is misshapen due to the brain defects and our little Petey is paralyzed from the waist down with malformed legs and feet. S/he also only has 1 partially functioning kidney. 

(There may have been more issues but those are the main points.  I stopped listening when the doctor said this is one of the worst cases he has ever seen and that he has never seen a positive result from a case like ours.  We are a "case".)

In other words, today we were informed that our sweet baby who we worked so hard to create and who represented a happy future and an end to a difficult past is not going to make it.  The prognosis is that it will die in the womb at some point, the doctors just can't give us a definite on when exactly. If it somehow makes it through towards the end, I will deliver prematurely and it will die at birth.  Experimental fetal brain and spinal surgery would be useless. We were given the option to either terminate the pregnancy within the next couple weeks or let it run its course and I will end up having full extended labor and deliver a stillborn.

*~*~*~*~OK, safe to read again~*~*~*~*

I don't even have words for how I feel. I am absolutely shattered.
It still doesn't feel real and I honestly have no idea how I even just typed all that out.

Hubs and I have some very difficult discussions and decisions ahead of us and I don't know what will happen.  I also don't know yet if I'll post here again for a while or not. Usually I use this blog as a sounding board but I'm not sure if it'll be cathartic or too hard for me.  If I'm not around much, know that I truly appreciate all the thoughts, prayers, love and positive vibes sent our way. If you could please continue to keep us in your T&P I would appreciate it.