3 days.

We've made it three whole days. That actually feels like a bit of an accomplishment.

I am doing okay.  I'd like to describe how I feel but it's like I just have no words left now that the waiting is done and it's all over. I've gotten some calls from family and friends but I don't answer. There's nothing to say.  I appreciate hearing that people are thinking of us and love us but I don't want to talk. It's too hard to talk. I have almost nothing to say and certainly nothing GOOD to say so I would just depress people. My sister has been great though and has been keeping everyone up to date on my behalf which I so appreciate.

Physically I am fine.  Friday ended up being a tough day with pain and soreness so I needed the pain meds afterall but it was mostly because it appears I ended up pulling a neck muscle at some point during the surgery or recovery. I'm ok now though. I'm still bleeding and will continue to for a while but it's nothing major. The worst of it was actually being able to feel my organs moving back into their original positions over the past couple days. My intestines shifted down and stretched back out...that was the grossest thing I have ever felt. (Aren't you glad you're reading this?) Now, the biggest issue is my breasts. They are out of control.  My milk has started to come in which is just punch-in-the-face fantastic.  I spend almost every minute of the day icing them to dissuade swelling and leakage. They are so full and heavy and painful, and are a constant reminder of what we lost (as if I need a reminder).

I miss my bump. I miss my baby and I miss my bump and I miss being pregnant.  

Last night when getting into bed, Hubs made a comment about how much thinner I was already. In the past I would have loved to hear that. Now, it just makes me cry. I don't want to be thinner, I want to be pregnant! I want to be growing and gaining weight and getting rounder and rounder. I want things to be back to the way they were 2 weeks ago but I want for the fantasy that I was carrying a healthy perfect child to have been the reality.     

Right now I should be celebrating the knowledge that Petey is either a boy or a girl, deciding on a nursery theme, shopping for strollers and searching the internet for baby tips. Instead, today we called to cancel the order for our beautiful nursery furniture, discussed what kind of tree we may want to buy in Petey's memory, and I'm searching the internet for loss support groups. Life isn't fair I guess.

The last few days made me realize just how often the fact that I was pregnant was on my mind; it was constant. I was so much more careful walking the dog amid the snow and ice, I thought about everything I put in my mouth so I was getting proper nutrition to Petey, I sat in ways to accommodate my bump, I was conscious of how much I lifted, when I needed to put my feet up, how much sleep I got...  Now it's just me.  I felt like a whole person before I got pregnant so why, now that I'm no longer pregnant, do I feel like such a huge part of me is missing? 

I started a different "blog"; one that's just for me. One that I can pour my heart and soul out into and don't have to worry about making sense or even making sentences. I'm hoping it will help me work through things.  I don't intend for anyone to ever read it (it's possible I may never even read it) but writing is cathartic for me. It helps me to get things out of my head. I'm hoping it will help me start to heal.

If you're reading this I know that you care about me. This stuff is not fun at all so I appreciate you reading it and caring about how I'm doing. I will still continue to post updates here but until I am in a better mind-frame it will probably be better for all of us if I shield everyone from the shitstorm in my brain for a little while.

((Hugs))