A very long night.

DEFORMITIES.  Take it from me; that's a word you never want to hear from your doctor.

We had our anatomy scan earlier today (Tuesday morning). Everything seemed to go fine except the baby wouldn't cooperate fully so there were some measurements we were unable to get and we couldn't tell the sex.  I remember asking the sonographer what the next steps were and she said the radiologist will review everything, I should expect a call, and then we'll set up the next U/S.  Okay, that sounds normal.  We walked out of there disappointed with the fact that we still don't know if it's a boy or a girl. What idiots.

This evening, my phone rings around 5:30pm and I see it's from my clinic.  Hmm, it's after-hours, that's funny.  I pick up the phone and hear that it's actually my personal doctor (midwife). That's a bit unexpected. Then she asks if I'm at home. BOOM. NOT normal.  She said she had the results of my anatomy scan, and as my heart sank lower and lower, she proceeded to tell me that they found some deformities with the baby: it appears our beloved little Petey has heart, spine, leg and possible brain deformities.  DEFORMITIES. Not "potential issues", not "abnormalities"; DEFORMITIES.  I'm pretty sure I went into shock and stopped listening.  I started crying almost immediately and when she asked me some sort of silly question I was completely unable to answer. She asked again and I managed to squeak out some sort of noise. She could tell I was crying of course, and apologized, but since I couldn't respond she just repeated the terrible news to me all over again.

Poor hubby walked into the room in the middle of all this.  He said I was white as a ghost and shaking but also just sitting there immobile. I eventually got my act together enough to write down what she was saying and what the next steps were. She told us we need to take tomorrow (Wed) off of work and go to a different hospital to meet with a Periontologist in Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) asap since he's a specialist. Apparently he also has better equipment and will hopefully be able to get a better picture of what we're working with.  I am scared to death of what we will find out.

Needless to say, it's been a long and difficult night. We don't have any answers or specifics yet so we're trying not to let our imaginations run wild but it's nearly impossible. Both Hubs and I have gone through phases of ugly gasping crying episodes, at one point during which he exclaimed: "Wasn't infertility enough?!".  Agreed.  We worked SO HARD for this child. 18 weeks in and I was finally starting to let my guard down and let IF-brain take a backseat. Now this. I should have known better.  I think I'm still in shock and disbelief about it.  I'm crying but I also feel detached. I think it's a defense mechanism.

I have so many emotions but mainly I'm afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I'm dreading it, and yet it can't get here fast enough.  If you have any prayers or positive vibes to spare, please PLEASE send them my way.