And it's over.

Just like that.

I don't know how I feel. I'm sad, I feel empty (physically and emotionally), but I also feel the tiniest sliver of relief that it's finally over. All the waiting and dread and fear is done and now we can just try to heal and "move on".  I also feel guilt about the fact that I'm not currently an absolute mess like I thought I would be. I thought I'd get home, crawl into bed and just cry and cry. I haven't. Not yet anyway. Today when we got home I took a 3.5 hr nap, got up, ate a full meal, and now I'm just here. Sitting, with the Bruins game on in the background. Like nothing ever happened even though EVERYTHING is different. 

I am extremely conscious of the fact that now it's just me.  I used to think and feel and do for both me and Petey and now I'm alone.  It's weird to place my hands on my sides or stomach because my body has already changed from what it was just this morning. The seatbelt on the way home fit differently; my jacket zipped with room to spare; my pj pants now rest on my stomach like normal instead of under my baby bump... because there is no longer a baby in there to create a bump.

I just feel hollow right now. I can't even estimate how many tears I've shed since last Tuesday evening. I feel like I'm all cried out and am now just a withered empty shell.  I think I aged a decade in a week. 

The end was not what I imagined; it was so... surgical. I guess I pictured having a chance to have a quiet moment to think and say goodbye and send peaceful thoughts down to my Petey before s/he was gone. I did not.  There were nurses and anesthesiologists and doctors, IVs and beeping machines and breathing tubes.  From the moment I walked in there at 6am I did not have a moment to think.  It was a steady stream of signing forms and answering questions and meeting hospital staff. At 7:30 on the dot the anesthesiologist informed me that she was going to give me a shot to relax me before we went into the OR. The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room crying.  I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Petey. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to my husband.

Luckily, I feel like I was able to make some peace with my situation and within myself on Tuesday night while writing my last blog post.  That was when I was able to do my thinking and I'm so glad I did. I was able to say goodbye in a different way instead of audibly just prior to the surgery like I had imagined.  Surprisingly, I'm okay with that. I couldn't wear my necklace into the OR but I wore it all the way to the hospital and felt the smoothness between my fingers, thinking about how much support we have.  I gave it to Hubs for safe-keeping while I was in there and he told me later that he held it all morning and it gave him strength during the times he started to get emotional.  I was so grateful for that because I felt so bad thinking about him alone in the waiting room for hours, just thinking and worrying.

The recovery today has been fine.  I am bleeding but it's nothing crazy.  I don't need the Percocet they gave me and have been fine with just Ibuprofen.  Surprisingly, recovery from yesterday's pre-op was much worse that today has been: Yesterday they inserted things called laminaria sticks into my cervix in order to manually start the dilation process.  My cervix dilated all evening and night and it was quite uncomfortable.  I was so crampy and the 1 hour drives from the hospital home yesterday and back again this morning were not fun.  Right now my entire body is sore and tired and my throat is raw from the breathing tube, but the fact that I have no actual pain just adds to the feeling that if I didn't know any better I might think this has all just been a bad dream.

I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, or even tonight when I crawl into bed. I'm sure my emotions will be up and down and rather unpredictable over the coming weeks and months. I worry about that but I feel like Hubs and I were able to make good progress this past week by dealing with the emotions as they come and not trying to suppress them.  My plan is to continue to do that and just hope that it will help me heal.

Thank you to everyone who sent us well wishes and good thoughts and love today. <3