I am a horrible employee. I've done a handful of hours of work in the last week. I work from home a lot so it's way too easy to slack off. I just don't care. I don't care how much is on my plate or how many pressing things I have to do. When I turn on my computer for work it is all immediately pushed to the backburner and instead, I spend my hours trolling the internet. Reading the TFMR board, reading the PG after TFMR board, and the Loss Board and the PgAL board, and my PAIF group and IDOB and SAIF. Reading through women's stories of loss and others blogs and even back through my own blog posts... Hours and hours leading to days and days are just wasted away like this and I don't even care. I don't care that I'm a shitty employee now. I don't care that I have no passion for my work; that I have no passion for my life really.
My
husband doesn't know I spend my days like this; sitting on the couch in
my pajamas, sometimes showering, sometimes not, just lost inside my
computer, often giving myself a headache from all the crying (which I
then blame on the pregnancy). When he asks me how my day was I say
busy. He thinks I work all day. My boss and coworkers think I work all
day - how I've managed to pull the wool over their eyes for this long I
really don't know.
And I don't even know what I get out of all of this internet searching. I am not learning anything new, it's not making me feel any better... Each night when I lay in bed thinking about what I have to do the next day I make a promise to myself to just NOT open those forums or blogs or links. To start right in on my work and have tunnel vision and not allow myself to stray. But I always do. My life revolves around my loss, my fear with this new pregnancy, and my internet world. I live that life all day and then I dream about it all night.
I know this is not healthy. I know I'm depressed. Having constant nausea and fatigue for the last few months has not helped either since I can't exercise. I used to go to Zumba 3x/week. It made me feel good - the movement, the endorphins, the weight loss, the schedule, the reason to get out of the house and interact with people... I don't do that anymore. I also don't reach out to my friends and when they (rarely) reach out to me to get together I always make up an excuse. I isolate myself. It's easier this way.
Since
we received the results last week from my screening I haven't been able
to picture any other future besides loss. I no longer picture myself
with a baby. Any amount of connection I felt with this pregnancy has
pretty much dwindled down to nothing. All I can picture now is going
through all the same pain we went through with Petey. And this time, I
can't picture myself being strong and moving forward. All I can picture
is it breaking me.
And that is how I feel: Broken and useless and just... sad.
In the past I've felt like this blog has been my therapy. But it's no longer helping. I think it's time to go see an actual Therapist. I haven't wanted to because I just haven't wanted to talk about it. When I focus on all of this it makes it worse. If I can distract myself it is better. But I've been unable to distract myself lately. Maybe this is a sign that I'm doing a worse job than I thought working through my grief and my fear.
Finally opening up about this and typing it all out is making me see just how mentally unhealthy I really am right now. I think it's time to admit that I need some help.
We finally got our bloodwork results back from the first tri screening. They were not great.
Our genetic counselor had prepped us for receiving higher risk results due to our history but our risk for Trisomy 21 (Downs' Syndrome) came back higher than expected. Based on age alone it would have been about 1 in 1000. Add in our history and it should have brought it to 1 in 500ish. Ours came back at 1 in 160.
I know that's still less than a 1% chance.
I know this 1st Tri Screening can result in false positives.
I know that if our baby ends up having a Trisomy THIS is the one to have since 85% of babies born with DS survive and many of them are able to lead mainly "normal" lives.
But I also know that our risk of neural tube defects (NTD) with Petey came back last time at 1 in 1300. And that I was that "one".
I know that this increased risk of T21 doesn't just mean our baby's risk of DS is increased but that it is also a marker for NTDs.
I know that there is nothing I can logically do right now but wait until our early anatomy scan on Nov 6th to see if yet another baby that we have created has birth defects.
Besides just waiting to see what the A/S shows we also have the option to have another blood test done this week (the AFP) which would give us a better idea of NTD and DS but if the results come back positive there is still nothing we can do but wait until the A/S on Nov 6th to see just how bad it is. We have elected not to do that to ourselves. I am trying so hard not to let these results make me crazy. If we were to get bad AFP results I would be a fucking wreck until Nov 6th. (Now, I'm just kind of a wreck.)
If there are issues identified through the A/S then there are whole slew of other diagnostic tests we would look into but at this point I'm trying not to get ahead of myself.
I'm trying not to think about the 'what-ifs'.
I'm trying to stay positive.
I'm trying to believe in the numbers being on our side this time.
I'm trying not to disconnect from this pregnancy and let the fear take over.
I'm trying to pretend that I don't know as much as I know about everything that can go wrong.
But after what I have been through and what I have seen with so many other women it is nearly impossible. I am so scared.
I
really thought infertility was supposed to be the hard part. But my life since March 18th has been a whole different
kind of hard. It doesn't matter how much you've had to go through;
there are no guarantees.
And now I have a whole other sense of deja vu; similar to the feelings we experienced the night we found out Petey had problems and we had to wait for the appt with the Periontologist the next day. (Except now, my "next day" is not for another 2.5 weeks.) It's the feeling that your heart is trying to escape from your chest; the sense of panic that comes on suddenly making you stop in your tracks; the inability to focus on work; the overwhelming sense of dread that you try to squash deep down inside but it just keeps creeping back up.
I am regretting getting this screening test. I felt I was doing my due diligence by getting as much info as we could on a decent timeline. After our integrated screening results with Petey gave us a false negative I had no confidence in that "more advanced" screening so I figured this was the way to go. And I was scared, but I honestly thought things would be okay. I hope things really will be okay.
I JUST WANT A HEALTHY CHILD.
After everything, I really don't feel like it's too much to ask for. But what the hell do I know?
November 6th. It cannot get here fast enough. (Understatement.)
I really want to try to make more of an effort to focus on the good. I owe that to my little Rainbow (and to myself too, really). Maybe I just have to remind myself that yes, I love Petey and I miss him and I always will, but letting my grief and sadness run my life is not helping anyone. It won't bring him back and it's certainly not making me feel any better. So I'm going to try to focus a bit more each day on the things that I have to be happy about (namely, a new little life growing inside me).
So, The good:
- I have hit the 2nd trimester! I've officially made it through the horrid 1st trimester TWICE in (mostly) one piece
- Nausea is getting a bit better and I have my wonderful Zofran for the bad days
- My belly is getting rounder (but I'm still holding steady at my starting weight - go me!)
- My boobs haven't changed much at all and never hurt (which is VERY different from my 1st pregnancy)
- I sleep decently most nights thanks to my memory-foam mattress topper!
- I am having very few cravings
- I'm lucky in that I work from home 3 days/week and can live in yoga pants and huge oversized tees half the time since I'm still at the funny
in-between stage where my clothes are too small/uncomfortable but
maternity clothes are still too big.
- What else? Ummm...it's Friday! Ok, that's it for now.
The not-as-good:
- I am super constipated. I mean super. I need some Colace or something STAT.
- My diet is terrible. Meat still makes me gag and I haven't been able to choke down a vegetable in months. I am grossing myself out.
- I still cannot exercise and get light-headed if I try to do too much. I almost fainted walking the dog the other day so now I'm a little scared to try again.
I wonder if I will start feeling excitement once we pass the anatomy scan (assuming all goes well)? With this pregnancy I just feel like I'm waiting. I'm experiencing all the pregnancy symptoms, both good and bad, and every time something "new" happens I just sort of recognize it like, "yup, here's that again, right about when it came last time", and then just wait for the next thing. Hopefully once I pass 20 weeks (again, assuming I get there [I can't seem to say/think about the future without a disclaimer]) things will start to change for me. At that point I'll be entering uncharted territory. Hopefully the apprehension and feeling of deja vu will fade and be replaced with excitement and anticipation. And hope.
And in non-baby related good news: I do government-funded contract work and just found out today (after MONTHS of waiting) that our company won the rebid for the next 5 years!!! Thank goodness. If we hadn't won I'd be out of a job come October 31st! Cutting it close there, gov't!
Have a good weekend, people!
Today is Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss Awareness Day.
I posted on FB about it saying that "today I am remembering my sweet baby and all the little ones to whom so many of us have had to say goodbye too soon", with this picture:
In a way I have been dreading this day. I've been having a bit of a hard time with October because this issue is more public this month so it brings my emotions more to the forefront.
There's just an ever-present layer of sadness that blankets my life now. I am so sad about these past 2.5 years of IF and about the past 7 months in particular. I am sad that so many of my IRL relationships have changed; that so many friends that used to be a huge part of my life no longer are; that I have to live with this jealousy and anger and pain while others carry on blissfully unaware; that I am now a part of this group.
But this is just my reality now and I live with it, day in and day out.
I feel like I'm failing myself and my sweet little Rainbow because the sadness (and fear) outweighs the happiness and excitement. I love this baby but I can't get out of my own way to enjoy this pregnancy and move on from the past. I don't want to forget Petey and I never will but I do want this black cloud to fade.
Tonight at 7pm I will be joining the International Wave of Light and lighting a candle to remember and say a prayer for Petey and Rowan and Conner and Ben and Jack and so so many more little loves, both named and unnamed, that so many of us have lost. I will be thinking of them all and of all the families whose lives they touched and changed forever.
This is a hard reality and my love goes out to anyone who also has to endure this.
<3
How Far Along: 13 weeks - last week in the 1st Trimester!
Baby is the Size of a: Fuzzy Peach (I added the fuzzy myself cuz fuzzy things are cute:
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Exhibit C:
 |
| AHHH! |
Total Weight Change: -2 lbs
Showing Yet?:
Blump. Lots of blump.
Maternity Clothes?: I am right at the stage where I might have to just suck it up and dig out my maternity pants.
Stretch Marks?: No new ones
Sleep: Not awful. I flop around like a fish a lot of the night but at least I'm mostly sleeping in between that and the numerous trips to the bathroom.
Symptoms: Nothing to complain about. Feeling the stretching/cramping in my lower abdomen but I welcome that. Nausea seems to be getting better!
Food Cravings/Aversions: I hate pretty much all food. I don't even know what I eat these days. Apple juice is okay...
Miss Anything?: Exercise. I might try to pick it back up again (slowly) next week.
Mood: Way better than last week. Phew.
Best Moment of the Week: Tuesday's NT scan is over! I am still waiting on b/w results but the NT measurement itself was good and it was nice to see our baby moving around in there through our tears.
Upcoming Appointments:
10/28 - meet with nutritionist and then with high risk OB for routine prenatal.
What I'm Looking Forward to: The fabled 2nd Tri energy! I do think the nausea is starting to get better and I'm finding I'm not quite as tired so I hope those keep up!
Randoms: I told my boss this week that I'm pregnant. As expected
she was just pure excitement and happiness. That reaction is hard to
deal with since there are so many emotions for me with this. She also
told me that since I've reached 12 weeks I'm now "past the danger
zone". Yeeeaaaah. I hope she does not bring up my pregnancy to me. I
don't want to talk about it with her. She has no f-ing clue what this is
like and that I am sometimes so scared I can barely
keep it together, and I'm not about to try to explain it to her.
Besides that Hubs and I are starting to discuss when/how to tell our families but no decisions as of yet.
Feelin pretty good today :-)
