2016. I've been blogging for 3 years. Things have changed a LOT in 3 years.
I have changed a lot in 3 years.
Life
is different now. Jack will be 9 months old soon. That blows my mind.
Welcoming him into our lives has been amazing. It has changed
everything. He is my life now, there's no way around that. Before Jack I
always kind of hated it when people said this but it's true: Until he
came along I honestly did not know I could love someone this much. Or in
this way. I truly live my life for him right now. Everything is for
him; to give him new experiences, to teach him things (teach him
EVERYthing), to make his life the best it can be. I find myself viewing
the world through his eyes now: the wonderment, the excitement. This is
the best thing I have ever done. We've had a tough few years but
everything we've been through has led up to this. And I am so grateful. I
am lucky to be his mom. I am so lucky to be able to witness every
single change and growth. He is simply amazing and I honestly love him
more and more every single day.
[I should have put a "warning: mushy" caution on that last paragraph.]
It's
not without it's difficulties though. Hubs and I have come out of (what
I hope is) the worst of the haze. The depression and anxiety... We're
both on meds that seems to be working well enough for us and we're both
still seeing therapists weekly. Soon we'll be joining one another at
each others therapy sessions too. We both have a lot of shit to deal
with and we also need to work on our marriage. I told my therapist that I
was upset because our relationship felt like it was changing and she
made a good point, saying: "Well, it's not just the two of you anymore.
You've added another person into your relationship - why
wouldn't it
change?" She's right. It's really unrealistic of me to think that
things would be the same between us when everything else in our lives
has changed so much.
Which brings me to the next big
topic which I honestly don't even know how broach so I'm just gonna say
it: We put our dog down the week before Christmas. I am heartbroken
about it. Honestly I feel numb. He went after Jack. As in, tried to
attack him :-( He has always had an aggressive temperament, even as a
tiny pup, and has bitten people before. He got much much worse after
Jack came. We were living with gates and crates and separation through
most of the house and had worked with multiple trainers and behavioral
specialists over the years. And every single one of them (including his
Vet) said it was in his DNA and wasn't trainable. We didn't want to
believe them. Then a few weeks ago he went after Jack. I thank God
that I was right there. I was on the floor between them and saw him
start to bare his teeth in the way I've seen before, right before he's
about to attack, and I pushed him out of the way to cover Jack with my
body. My dog attacked me instead. It was violent. It was scary. And it felt like it lasted a long time as I just allowed myself to be attacked as I laid over my son, protecting him. The
doctor said if I hadn't been wearing so many layers for him to rip
through (bra, t-shirt and sweatshirt) he could have very easily
punctured a lung. I have healed now but I will have scars. In a way I
am happy for the scars because despite what happened we loved that dog.
And in a weird twisted way, it's something to remember him by. I miss
him. I'm sad that it came to this. I'm sad he wasn't adoptable. I'm sad
the aggression wasn't trainable. I'm sad we had to say goodbye. But I
also look at Jack and am so unbelievably grateful that he is safe and
there's no option for an accident like that to happen again. It was like
keeping a loaded gun in the house - there was no way to tell when he
would go off. It was too dangerous. I miss him though. And choosing to
euthanize him brought back a whole flood of emotions and memories from
when we had to choose to end our first baby's life. Sigh. It was all too
similar. It's too much power. I hate the feeling.
Honestly
it's hard for me to believe our pup is gone. It's been two weeks and I
still feel like he's just not here right now and we're going to go pick
him up later from the vet or groomer or wherever. It's surreal to see
your beloved dog go from strong and healthy one moment to then have to
remember that he's no longer living. He was our first dog. A corgi. We
did a lot of research and got him specifically because corgis are known
for being great family dogs, especially with small children.
Unfortunately, we got one who wasn't. We loved him though. He always had
issues and we made accommodations so his life was as good as it could
be despite his problems. But once Jack came it couldn't be all about him
anymore. And I could no longer eliminate all the situations that made
him anxious and nervous. How do you tell an 8 month old baby that you
can't touch the dog, that you can't look directly into his eyes because
it will make him so nervous he'll attack you? Sigh. I'm just sad. That
pup got me through a lot of hard times; through the years of
infertility, through saying goodbye to Petey, through Jack's dwarfism
diagnosis, through depression and loneliness... He was always here. For 4.5 years. I
worked from home for much of that time and he was my constant companion. I miss
him. Things are lonelier around here. Now it's just me and Jack and I
feel it.
Besides that things are okay. I'm concerned
about winter because I have always had Seasonal Affective Disorder and
now I will be mostly stuck indoors with a baby for the next few months.
I'm still battling my PPD and PPA so I'm worried with SAD added in I may
have a rough winter. Now that the holidays are over I'm thinking of
looking into volunteering one or two days a week somewhere. Quite
honestly I feel sort of useless now that I'm a SAHM. I know I am raising
my child and that is so significant and important to me, and I am so
grateful we are able to swing it financially so I don't have to work
too, but in the monotony of everyday life I get bored. And lonely. And
depressed. I need to do something with myself and have a reason to put
on real pants everyday and maybe even some makeup, ha.
It's a new year. It feels kind of like a new life for me now. And I don't know where this blog will go from here. It has been an important part of my past few years but I don't know if it has a place in my future or not.
311 posts. 1938 comments. 133,800+ page views.
Thank you for being a part of it <3
Happy New Year!
