Thursday, October 15, 2015
Jack: 6 Months
My back went out on me. Sigh. I knew it was only a matter of time. Luckily I had just started physical therapy the week before so I already had an established connection nearby. (The twice weekly chiropractic visits were doing nothing for me.) So now we've flown my parents up from Florida yet again to come help and I'm in PT every day.
I'm gonna have to save that for another day. There is a lot of ugly unfortunately. Cliff's notes:
Hubby is not doing well mentally.
Ipso facto I am not doing well mentally.
Now I'm not doing well physically. (And he's never doing well physically.)
Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. I am grieving Petey so much it physically hurts.
We can no longer "ignore" Jack's dwarfism and just think of him like any other baby. He's not. We're starting to get into the thick of his medical issues. I am feeling less and less like a "normal" mother and more and more like a "special needs" mother.
I am beginning to feel hopeless about growing our family someday. I can't even take care of my one child - how am I supposed to take care of multiple? And that's IF we can even have another child who doesn't have major genetic issues. Our track record there is not so good. I'm scared that our 3 frosties aren't viable. I'm scared I'm incapable of conceiving a healthy baby. I'm scared that if we were to chance it and get pregnant again someday that we would have to go through hell again and say goodbye again. But I'm scared not to try. I'm scared that I will never feel like our family is complete with just Jack. I'm scared another child would cause my husband to have a mental break. I'm beginning to become convinced that my life will NEVER come close to the way I pictured it would be.
I need therapy.