Monday, September 28, 2015

Still waiting...

Warning: Pity Party commencing in 3...2...1...

When does it get easier? I'm still waiting for that magical happily ever after. Years of infertility, IVF, therapy, a hard pregnancy, learning halfway through that our child was severely mentally and physically deformed, having to terminate, grief, shame, sadness, more therapy, another hard (and scary) pregnancy, shocking news about his dwarfism just a few weeks before giving birth, relinquishing my goal of a vaginal birth, a hard recovery and infected c-section incision, those impossibly hard first few months with a newborn, continuing to fight post partum depression, trying to adjust to life as a SAHM, dealing with my own back pain as well as Hubs', our dog having behavioral issues since the baby came, in and out of Drs offices with Jack due to all his physical issues, developmental delays, physical therapy, falling behind with milestones, jealousy over everyone else's "normal" babies, getting bad news after bad news with each Dr appt...and now this. When does it get easier?!!

The "this" I am referring to is my husband's anxiety, depression and OCD. It appears he has paternal postnatal depression (PPND). I didn't even know that was a thing. I am the one with the fucked up hormones from giving birth!! But now he's said he feels like he has PTSD from everything - all the IF, our loss, coming to terms with Jack's condition, all the medical issues - all the stuff he apparently hasn't dealt with. After everything we have been through I honestly don't know what has been the hardest. I just know it sure as shit hasn't gotten any easier. When fighting IF I thought that once we finally got PG life would be better. It was what I had wanted for so long. And it finally happened. And it was a nightmare. Losing Petey was so much harder than IF. And then we had Jack and I thought our dream had come true. And it's true we have a beautiful wonderful son now and I am thankful. But he also has special needs and it is SO FUCKING HARD sometimes. And now not only can my husband not help care for him physically due to his back issues, he is no longer here mentally either. I feel so alone in this. It's the hardest thing I have ever done and I have no help. I have a baby with special needs and I have a husband who is needy and depressed and anxious and not sleeping and not eating and I am worried all day and all night. Now I am no longer sleeping either.  Now I am eating my emotions and gaining weight. Now I have no energy to take care of Jack and all the house stuff because I am so drained from focusing on Hubs and whether or not he's ok. Now I have to take care of him and Jack and everything else. Now I am unable to take care of myself because I have given every part of myself away. THANK GOD I hired that nanny. Without me being able to look forward to a handful of hours a week where I can get a break, I would have already completely broken apart. But even with that time to "recharge" I really don't know how much longer I can do this.

Hubs is now on meds and in therapy. It's been about two weeks now and no change besides bad side effects from the meds. I need for him to get better. I need my partner back. I don't know how to do this alone.
Hell, I probably need therapy too. Not sure how I'm gonna squeeze that one in. I don't even have time to edit this post.

So there's my update. In a nutshell: Things are not so good around here. #understatement


  1. I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I hope it gets easier soon.

  2. Oh Chickie I am so very sorry things are going so terribly. I can't even imagine how tough it must be to go through everything you have been through and then get hit with this. I hate that life isn't getting any easier for you guys, I am glad you are venting through here it must be tough not to be able to vent to your husband for fear of making his depression worse.

    I think therapy would be a wise thing for you too - just to have an outlet to talk through it all since you may not be able to do that with your husband now.

  3. Thank you so much ladies. <3

  4. So sorry that it's been such a hard road. It won't always be like this. Hopefully hub's meds and therapy will begin to have an effect soon. I think therapy would be a good thing, even if it's just to get out what's going on in your head, get some new viewpoints on how to make it through until the next appointment, and to remind yourself that you're doing all you can.

  5. oh no... I'm so sorry things have taken that turn... I hope the meds and therapy start to really help hubs, and in turn - you get your partner back... I can't even imagine how hard everything can be, in addition to being/feeling on your own in the fight...

  6. <3 Thank you for sharing this and being so honest. I just hope things get better for you. I'm here if you ever need to talk or just vent. It sucks that after everything you've gone through you're still having to struggle. And while I know how much you love Jack and how special he is, it's okay to grieve the fact that he's not typically developing and that he has to face things that other kids don't. It's not fair. And I hate that for you.

  7. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what it's like to be in your shoes. I pray that things take a turn for the better - for you and H, and I'm always praying for the best possible news for your sweet Jack. I'm always here for you, friend. Sending lots of love <3