I've been trying to write blog posts over the last week. I have been unsuccessful. The words are just not coming and quite honestly, I am in a dark place. But although I am struggling sometimes to keep in my head above the water, I am not drowning. I am proud of myself that although I have been pulling away lately in the bloggy/facebook/bump world I have been able to take some positive and healthy steps for myself in the real world:
I joined a gym and have been going to Zumba 2-3 times per week. It's been good to have a schedule and something to DO and to look forward to again. I assume the endorphins couldn't hurt either.
I joined My Fitness Pal again and am back to tracking what I eat. I have been (literally) eating my grief since losing Petey and am currently the heaviest I have ever been (even heavier than when I was pregnant). I feel awful, I look awful and if I ever hope to be pregnant again someday I need to do something about this.
I've been getting back to my regular work routine with days in the office. This isn't a fun one and is still a struggle every single time but it's good to have a schedule and have a reason to get dressed and get out of the house.
I called a therapist today to make an intro appointment. This woman was recommended to me by my genetic counselor as she has experience with women who have had a loss. I'm still not sure I want to do this but I figure it can't hurt and could probably help. Sometimes I feel like all of this is just too much to handle - that it's so much bigger than I am and I really do need help to get through it in one piece. I'm beginning to think that up until now I had still been in a bit of denial but now it's hit me. It's real life and it's unbelievably painful and I will never be the same again. This is my reality and I need to find healthy ways to cope with that so I can begin to rebuild my life again.