2 years.

Yesterday was the 2 year mark of when Petey should have been born. His EDD was 8/15/14. It's crazy to me to think that if everything had gone "according to plan" and Petey had been born, we'd have a two-year-old now... and it wouldn't be Jack.  I cannot picture that.  I don't even want to picture it. It was such a tough thing to go through and I still feel sadness, but we wouldn't be where we are now if that hadn't happened. We wouldn't have our Jack. And I cannot picture life without Jack so it makes me grateful.

I did have a bit of a cathartic moment yesterday though... One of my best friends decided to play hooky from work and came over for a pool day. While Jack was down for his nap, she and I were just floating in the pool talking and the subject of Petey came up. I talked to her about it. About all of it: the diagnosis, the procedure, the loss, the pain, the feelings I have now about Petey, even just his name. I've never shared his name with anyone in my "real life" before; just here on my blog, and with all my internet friends. I also told her about seeing "my rainbow" and knowing everything was going to be ok (blog post about that here if you have no idea what I'm talking about) and then finding out I was PG with Jack.  It was really cathartic and pretty ironic that this discussion happened to be on the anniversary of his EDD. I have never talked to anyone IRL about it to this extent, except for my therapist, ha. The fact that I could thoughtfully share without feeling overwhelming emotions or having it spin me into a downward spiral afterwards was huge. It's a turning point for me.  It says to me that I've made healthy progress and am in a good place now when it comes to grieving Petey.

I'm still sad.  I still miss him and what could have been. But I am okay. And I feel confident that he is okay. 

I love you my PN <3

(Still appreciate this pic so much JayTee and Cici <3 )