Jack: 4 Months

Big doings in our world: At exactly 4 months yesterday (technically 17.5weeks), Jack officially started rolling from back to belly!! And now he wants to do it all the time haha! Very cute and I'm so proud of him (especially since most Achon kiddos are delayed with this) but problem is he can't roll back again so when he gets sick of being on his belly he screams bloody murder and I have to go save him. This is his new favorite thing to do.

Yesterday was a big day; he also officially started laughing out loud. Seriously the BEST sound in the world. I spend all my time now making a fool out of myself so I can get him to laugh. Whether in his nursery or the grocery store checkout, doesn't matter. Anything to see that huge gummy smile and hear that adorable giggle. 4 months is shaping up to be my favorite age so far!

He is such a sweet baby. Things are getting easier overall, mainly because I can tell the difference between most of his cries and whines now and can usually know what he wants and anticipate it. What is harder though is that he's so damn heavy! My back feels like it's gonna break pretty much all the time. That part's rough. And Hubby's back is the worst it has EVER been so he can't really do anything to help (that's a whole separate post) so whenever we don't have visitors it is all me, all the time. Needless to say I don't rest much. I am slowly losing weight and getting stronger without even trying. In fact, if I stopped eating so much crap I'd probably be down another 5+ lbs by now. I just don't have the energy to care right now though.

Things are great though and Jack is my world. Surprisingly I'm not ashamed to admit it. I am 100% smitten with this little guy and am so glad I made the decision to stay home with him. I don't look forward to winter though since we won't be able to be outside much. (We spend most days now sitting out by the pool playing and visiting with company.) In the winter I think I'll need to make an effort to find mommy & me groups or something. I hate joining in that shit.

In other news, it is August. I had a hard time at the end of July as this month inched closer and closer because I always think of August as Petey's month. He should have been turning one this coming Saturday.  I should have a one year old. It's emotional to think about that. I miss him and I think of him every day. Now that Jack is here and I am watching him grow and reach milestones it changes the way I grieve Petey. In a way I think it's actually harder because now I KNOW what I'm missing with Petey and what I'll never have with him. Now it's not grieving the loss of how I imagine things might have been, now it's more tangible and concrete. But I am also painfully aware that if we had never lost Petey we would never have had Jack. My pregnancy with Petey allowed me to become pregnant with Jack and for that I will be forever grateful. My heart is full but there will always be a piece of it missing.