October 15th

Today is Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss Awareness Day.
 
I posted on FB about it saying that "today I am remembering my sweet baby and all the little ones to whom so many of us have had to say goodbye too soon", with this picture:

In a way I have been dreading this day.  I've been having a bit of a hard time with October because this issue is more public this month so it brings my emotions more to the forefront.

There's just an ever-present layer of sadness that blankets my life now.  I am so sad about these past 2.5 years of IF and about the past 7 months in particular.  I am sad that so many of my IRL relationships have changed; that so many friends that used to be a huge part of my life no longer are; that I have to live with this jealousy and anger and pain while others carry on blissfully unaware; that I am now a part of this group.

But this is just my reality now and I live with it, day in and day out.

I feel like I'm failing myself and my sweet little Rainbow because the sadness (and fear) outweighs the happiness and excitement. I love this baby but I can't get out of my own way to enjoy this pregnancy and move on from the past. I don't want to forget Petey and I never will but I do want this black cloud to fade.

Tonight at 7pm I will be joining the International Wave of Light and lighting a candle to remember and say a prayer for Petey and Rowan and Conner and Ben and Jack and so so many more little loves, both named and unnamed, that so many of us have lost. I will be thinking of them all and of all the families whose lives they touched and changed forever.
This is a hard reality and my love goes out to anyone who also has to endure this.

<3