6 months without

I realized that last Friday's appointment at my OB office was exactly 6 months to-the-day that Hubs and I last stepped foot in there; the day we received the horrible news about Petey; the day I collapsed with grief in the parking lot on the way back to the car; the day we were forced to make that heartbreaking decision.  MAN I'm glad I realized that after the fact and not before I went for my appointment. I couldn't keep myself from crying in the waiting room as it was!

So that means that this Saturday is 6 months since we said goodbye. Six months without our Petey. It feels like both an eternity and like it was yesterday.  I cannot believe it has been half a year.  I also cannot believe how long this half a year has been for me.

I am not the same anymore.  I know I've lost a little bit of my light, and my lightheartedness.  I don't laugh or joke quite as easily anymore and there are still many many triggers.  I'm okay though.  My little rainbow has helped.  I still struggle with the guilt and the feeling that this baby is "replacing" Petey but overall I can separate my feelings for and about Petey from my feelings about this baby.  I am happy about this baby and I love it. I love it so much that I don't know what I would do if it were taken from me as well.

I am so sad that we don't have our little 1 1/2 month old in our arms. I still have to ignore those twinges of jealousy I get when I see pictures of others' sweet snuggly babies.  I still feel robbed and I think I always will.  It's true what they say: A little part of me will always be missing.

Yesterday I made the mistake(?) of reading through my medical records. The OB's online portal makes everything accessible which is both wonderful and a curse.  I didn't let myself read anything since our loss because I thought it would be too difficult to see in black and white. Yesterday I read everything. Every note from every doctor. Every bit of technical jargon. Every awful thing that was physically wrong with our baby that we loved so much and worked so hard to create. It was definitely difficult.  I was right that in my grief and shock I didn't retain everything from our appointments with the specialists. There was more wrong with Petey than I let myself remember.  He had no chance. I am so sad for his little soul.  And I know that we made the right decision for him and for us.  It is hard to come to terms with the truth though. And it was hard to see that amongst all the professional dialogue from doctor to doctor, there were little snippets that got to me:

"Patient is having difficulties with news and will be given time to process before follow up tomorrow."
"Conversation was held amongst much tears and grief."
"Patient is understandably upset but asking appropriate questions."
"This couple is devastated."

That last one kills me a little. Yes, that's correct. We were devastated. That wasn't an opinion, it was stated as a medical fact in my record.  ::deep breath::

I don't know where I'm going with this... I just need to get it out of my head.  It's all so sad and it sucks and I hate that this happened to us and to our baby.  I am sick of being the one with this sad story.  I just hope and pray that I won't have any new sad tales to write about with this current pregnancy.

On Friday I see my midwife again for the first time since Petey. I already know it's going to be emotionally exhausting but I cannot wait for it. I will get to hear the heartbeat again and it cannot come soon enough. Please be healthy, baby.