Well, we're here: August. Petey's birth month.
Since mid-March I have been dreading this month. Prior to that, I couldn't WAIT for it. I remember posting our announcement picture on Facebook back in February and writing that baby "Chickin" would be "arriving August 2014". It felt SO far away to me then and now here it is already.
I should be 38 weeks pregnant today. 38. I should be huge right now and having trouble breathing and impatiently awaiting Petey's arrival. I should have a completed nursery upstairs, with cutesy animal sheets and piles of diapers ready to go and tiny baby clothes hanging in the closet. I should be feeling excitement and anticipation and fear. I should be ready for my life to never be the same again.
Well, that one's true at least; my life will indeed never be the same again, but for a very different reason.
I hope that at some point down the road I will find that this quote applies to me once again but with positive connotations instead of negative. Hopefully we will be blessed someday with a healthy rainbow baby and my life will never again be the same from that point on.
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this current 2WW that I am in. I want to get pregnant again. I want to have a family. I want for this to work. But I just miss my Petey so much. Is there room in my heart to love another little baby as much as I love(d) Petey? August is HIS month. If we got a BFP this cycle, not only would I need to make room in my heart for a new baby (not to mention all the fears that come along with being PGAL) but I'd need to find a way to feel the sadness of Petey's month and the joy of another pregnancy at the same time. I have no idea how I'd mix such happiness and such sadness and still carry on like everything's okay. I would feel guilt about not grieving Petey enough and I would feel guilt about not celebrating a new baby enough. Lose-lose.
At the same time, if this cycle is a BFN... well, let's just say I expect my mental state won't be fabulous.
But, "what is meant to be will be" with this cycle and I'll just have to wait and see. So for now, I'll try to focus on the fact that I have made it through one of the days I have been dreading for months in (mostly) one piece. I'll deal with August one day at a time and eventually it will be September. Maybe I'll be pregnant. Maybe I'll be 10 lbs lighter. Maybe I'll be in the same place I am today. And if that's the case then so be it.
Weight loss this week: 1.5 lbs (7 lbs total, 13 to go!) I'm already a third of the way to my goal!!
Healthy eating highlights: For the last 3 weeks I've been logging everything I eat and have been making a point to also highlight the times I make conscious healthy choices when what I actually want is something unhealthy. (For example: The other day I was really craving key lime pie [random!] but instead of getting one at the grocery store I convinced myself to buy more citrus and squeezed lemon & lime into my water and ate clementines to cure the craving! Definitely not the same thing but it worked enough to squash the craving for that day and now it's gone!) Seeing those healthy choices highlighted helps me remember how proud of myself I was when I made those choices and how I know I can do it again when my willpower starts to wane.
Also, I have seriously cut down on sugar. Some sugar is unavoidable (unless you eat like a rabbit, which I do not) but I've cut out most added sugar and sweets. Last weekend I went out to brunch with some girlfriends and had a mimosa which was delightful. The blood sugar crash, however, was not delightful. About 2 hrs later I was tired and crabby and craving ice cream like a mo-fo. I pushed through the craving and was fine after that but it certainly taught me a lesson!
Exercise highlights: Still goin' strong. I've noticed I have more stamina during cardio sessions and am disappointed now when it's time for the cool-down. I also went up a level in dumbbell size when strength training :-) Tomorrow I have the day off and am looking forward to a long hike.
Amazing news: I had an appt with my PCP this morning about my blood pressure. My RE won't move forward on a FET until my PCP gives the go-ahead (which is okay since I'm still not emotionally ready for a FET anyway). When I started this weight loss plan my BP was 144/90. Just three weeks later it is 120/82. HOORAY! I am so freakin' proud of myself. I did Zumba this morning with a huge smile on my face the entire time :-D
My doctor will be recommending to my RE that I move forward with fertility treatments as soon as I'm ready which is great news. I still plan to work towards my goal of a 20 lb weight loss before we go back for a FET though (and am still keeping my FX hard that we might have the chance to be blessed with a miracle BFP on our own [today is 6DPO!]).
4DPO! I am officially in another 2WW! Yay!
This is our 4th real chance to get pregnant since we started TTC in June 2012 (#1: Aug 2013, #2: Nov 2013 [IVF], #3: June 2014 [crappy timing though], #4: July 2014!). And this time we had perfect timing!
I am super excited that I ovulated again. When I O'd last month I figured it was a bit of a fluke and my hormones were still regulating after the D&E. Now that I O'd AGAIN, I am hoping that the hormones are are all settled back to where they should have been all along and that this will now be a trend! Eeeeeee!
If not though, I am grateful for this little gift of having another chance (and without fertility treatments!). It's like a little glimmer of hope.
I think this is going to be a long 2 weeks for me.
Aside: I love love love this "TTC Update" picture because of the butterfly. Ever since I read that post on another loss mama's blog about how she'd see butterflies whenever she was thinking of her child, that has been happening to me too. I'll be out in the backyard thinking of Petey and a butterfly will appear almost every single time. At this point they really have become a sign for me that Petey is still with me. I love the symbolism of this picture with the butterfly perched there and I'm interpreting it to mean that Petey is on-board with us starting to TTC again. Maybe it's silly but it gives me a peaceful feeling and the strength to feel okay and hopeful about this.
...I think I ovulated again!
EWCM the last couple days, obvious positive OPK yesterday... HOLY CRAP you guys!!!
For any of you who have followed my blog for a while, you can understand why I am excited. I am anovulatory. Or at least, I have been anovulatory since we started TTC in June 2012. I did O once back in August 2013 but besides that ONE time in 2 years, we have not had any chance at all to conceive without IVF despite all our efforts.
But since losing Petey in March, I have had sort of regular cycles! They're still long (last cycle was 44 days and if this is a BFN it will likely be 40 days) but who cares?! I'm ovulating!!
I am kind of in amazement here and don't really want to let myself believe it. I joked about pregnancy "curing" my infertility but.....
What if it actually did??
Weight loss this week: 1.5 lbs (5.5 lbs total, 14.5 to go!)
Healthy eating highlights: Since I love charts I made myself a weekly meal planning chart to help me plan lunches and dinners in advance so I don't end up in the position of being starving with no idea what to eat and then just getting takeout. It has been extremely helpful!
Exercise highlights: I tried a new class at my gym this week: Step Zumba. It's a combo of Step Aerobics and Zumba and should more accurately be called 'Zumba on Steroids'. It KICKED MY ASS. To the point where I could barely get my arms and legs to function enough to drive home after class. It was awesome :-D The catch is that I have to basically sneak out of work early (like, 3pm early) on those days in order to get home in time to make it to class. So that's a bummer. I'll go when I can though!
Other shtuff: It was great to step on the scale this week and see that I am back in the 100s so quickly! Yay me. I have my appt with my PCP next Thursday so I am happy that when they weigh me in I should be in the 100s even with clothes on :-)
This week I put together the below visual weight loss motivator for myself (thanks Pinterest!). The jar on the left represents each pound I still have to lose and as each pound disappears I get to transfer a glass rock over to the "gone!" jar! I think it will be neat to see my weight loss in a concrete way.
Lastly, Hubs commented the other day that he can already tell that I'm losing weight. Yay!
