Fill-the-Void Friday, 6/27

Today marks 3 months since we said goodbye. It simultaneously feels like both a lifetime ago and like it was yesterday.  In the weeks after our loss, every hour ticked by so slowly that I didn't think we would ever put time between us and that moment of despair. And now here we are, already a quarter of a year later.  I expect I will always dislike the 27th of each month but:

Or, I'm reaaaally trying to anyway :-)

So here we go with this week's positives:

• This morning after an especially intense Zumba class, I went home and dove straight into the pool for a cool down. It was heavenly! I think I shall do that more often.
• A while ago I had to hide all the automatic Facebook status updates from everyone I know with babies because I couldn't handle the constant barrage of baby baby baby.  As a replacement, this week I "liked" a page that is full of pictures of the same kind of dog I have. Now when I log into FB I am bombarded with pictures of adorable furry puppies instead of things that make me sad.
• I found a new show I like called "The Profit". It's about some rich dude who finds small businesses that are struggling, invests in them and then turns them around to make them profitable!  It's kind of awesome and the show makes you really pull for the business owners. (PS: I would love to own a business someday, I just need to figure out what that might be...)  Anywho, I found that there's a whole season of the show On Demand so I've been watching some of that to keep me distracted when I'm having tough evenings.
• I'm looking forward to a beach day on Sunday! 
• And the big one: On Wednesday morning as I was standing in front of the mirror doing my makeup I found my mind wandering to my RE's office and I realized I was having good thoughts about it. I was actually having pleasant thoughts about going back which proves to me that I am moving towards a place of readiness with TTC and IF treatments again. That's pretty incredible.

 

June

When updating the "My TTC Journey" tab to note that we've officially started TTC again, I couldn't help but notice that the last 3 Junes have all been pretty significant for me:

June 2012: Started TTC
June 2013: Started medicated cycles/IF treatments
June 2014: Started TTCAL
June 2015: ???

How about:  "June 2015: Rainbow Baby is born!" ?!

(Y'know, I was never really big on the term "Rainbow Baby" until I found this:

Please oh please let us be blessed someday with a happy, healthy Rainbow Baby.)

Back on the TTC bandwagon

Well, I think I'm officially in a 2WW. My chart is all messed up because I haven't been consistently temping/POAS but my temp seems to be rising a bit and is in the same range it was the only other time I ovulated. If I did actually O we managed to hit the fertile window once so... there's that. But honestly, I have no hope that this will lead to some miracle BFP so yesterday I decided to call the RE's office to start putting the wheels in motion for our FET.  It looks like I've made up my mind that we are now officially back on the TTC bandwagon. Here are my next steps:

• Contact hospital to have all notes from D&E faxed to RE
• Office visit with RE on July 3rd
• Day 3 baseline B/W
• Hysteroscopy
• BCPs until all insurance paperwork goes through
• Then stop BCPs, get AF, start estrogen
• Day 4 B/W to ensure I'm on the correct dosage
• Day 14 lining check and schedule the transfer

I'm actually glad I called now and did not wait longer since at this point the FET still won't be until August. I think I'll have plenty of time between now and then to wrap my head around everything.

Making the call was a little tough. I found myself laying on the couch yesterday feeling miserable about the sad dark expanse of nothingness that is stretched out before me and wishing there was something I could do about it. Then I realized; there IS something I can do! So I got up, marched over to the phone and made the call before thinking twice.  I ended up talking with my favorite nurse and of course she was so sweet and so sad for us when I told her what happened so I got a little emotional.  It's not going to be fun to have to have those conversations with the nurses and my RE but I guess it has to happen eventually.

I feel...pretty good. I feel some sadness that we're moving on but it's also nice to have a plan again and something to look forward to.

 

Fill-the-Void Friday, 6/20

(For info on the origin of "Fill-the-Void Friday", click here.)

Here are this week's positives:

• I did a good deed for someone special last week. It wasn't anything big but it meant a lot to them and it made me feel good :-)
• Monday & Tuesday I flew to Washington DC for work to hand over our (600 page) finished proposal to the government. Traveling was a nice distraction for me and also, this means that the work craziness is officially DONE!
• Tomorrow I'm having a bunch of my girlfriends over for a pool day. I haven't seen them much lately (read: I've been avoiding everyone since our loss) so it should be nice to all get together.
• The other day I read a blog post by a loss mama who said that oftentimes when she thought of her baby she would see butterflies and took it as a sign from her son that he was still with her.  Not long after reading that, I stepped outside onto our back porch and couldn't help but cry a little when I saw this:

I love you too Petey.

Liebster Award!

My lovely friend Packer at Trying to survive Utah as a non-Mormon nominated me for the Liebster Award! 

According to Teresa at Where the *bleep* is our stork? This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers…the award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.

Here are the rules:

1. Post 11 random facts about yourself
2. Answer 11 questions the awarding blogger has asked
3. Nominate 11 blogs with less than 200 followers, add their links to this post, and let them know that they have been nominated
4. Create 11 questions for the nominated bloggers to answer
5. (Post these rules!)

(Why 11?)  

Here goes!

11  Random Facts about Me:

1. I always always have a song stuck in my head. 
2. I love the beach but I hate the feel of beach sand!
3. I get super excited when there is a beautiful sunset.
4. My favorite drink is plain old water (I know, so boring!)
5. One of my legs is slightly shorter than the other which throws my whole body out of whack and gives me chronic lower back pain.
6. I am the youngest of 4 (brother, sister, sister, then me), and my closest sister is my best friend.
7. I have only lived in the Northeast (MA, ME, NY and NH) and have never spent any time on the West coast but I've always thought I could be happy living there. I think I could be happy living almost anywhere.
8. I love to go geocaching (what's that you ask? clicky!) because I love hiking and I love finding things.
9. I get a lot of satisfaction out of doing completely mundane things where I can focus on making the steps as efficient as possible and can consistently see my progress (like folding laundry, emptying the dishwasher and painting a room).
10. I'm a bit of an adrenaline junkie; I've gone skydiving, bungee jumping and whitewater rafting. I'd do any of them again in a heartbeat and would love to go base jumping or repelling down mountains/skyscrapers if the opportunity ever presented itself.
11. I have a slight obsession with storms. I loooove thunderstorms and my biggest fear is tornadoes but they also fascinate me. I think I missed my calling as a storm-chaser.


Questions from Packer:
 
1. Why do you blog? I started blogging not long after I began having trouble TTC (about 8 months in, when I knew something was definitely wrong because I hadn't ovulated once).  I did it to get stuff out of my head and ended up finding it cathartic. Now, I am so glad I kept up with it. It helps me mentally and it has connected me with a lot of wonderful people!

2. What is your favorite way to relieve stress? Exercise.  Specifically Zumba, running around in the backyard playing with the dog, and swimming.

3. If you could choose one thing that you wish you could be better at, what would it be? Cooking. I hate it. I hate everything about it. Maybe if I was good at it, I'd like to do it?

4. What is your favorite thing about your life right now? My marriage. My husband is my rock. He is wonderful and sweet and funny and smart and a good provider.  He's enabled me to have a pretty cushy life and I am grateful every day.

5. If you could quit your job for a year and do anything, what would you do? If I had unlimited money I would travel the world!  If I didn't (much more likely) I would like to volunteer at various places to try new things and see what called to me/felt fulfilling. I'd also try my hand at writing (I would love to write a novel some day).

6. What is your favorite food? I don't have one. I'm a variety girl!

7. What is one thing that you really want to do but you've been putting off? Finding a new job/career.  I want to do something I find fulfilling but I've been putting it off because I have such a sweet gig going with my current job. It's hard to leave such a good situation.

8. What is your next travel destination (either for real if you have a trip planned, or dream destination if you don't)? I don't have anything planned, unfortunately.  But I would love to go to Hawaii soon.  Or Ireland. Or New Zealand. Or Italy. Or...

9. Do you have pets, if so what pets do you have? I have a 3 year old pup who is so sweet and smart and adorable. I love him and couldn't picture my life without that little furbaby!

10. What technology could you not live without? Nada! I could live without any technology!

11.  What is your favorite book? Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen


My nominations!!  (Packer and I share a lot of blog friends so I won't re-nominate them, I'll just nominate a few other lovely ladies who I know read my blog on a regular basis. If anyone else reading wants to do this too, please do!!)

1. ttuprincess at Table for Two
2. Krystal at Fish Bite Moonbeams 
3. Runnin' Red at The Harder to Get, The Better to Have


My questions for you!

1. Rank the 4 seasons from best to worst and explain why!
2. Sweet or salty?
3. What was the last concert you went to?
4. If you could be any animal for a day what would you be and why?
5. If you received $5,000 in the mail today with no return address, what would you do with it?
6. Do you have any allergies?
7. What do you do for work? Did you go to school for it?
8. What is your most favorite memory?
9. How often do you shave your legs?
10. Favorite movie of all time? (Only ONE!)
11. What is your absolute favorite thing to do?