TFMR Mamas!

I checked my blog traffic today and found that I've been getting lots of hits lately from an online TFMR (Termination for Medical Reasons) support group because someone posted a link to my blog!  I am so happy to see that and would like to give a shout out to any TFMR mamas who happen to stumble across this blog, be it now or many many months from now.

I use this little corner of the interwebs as my sounding board in a (sometimes futile) attempt to keep myself sane but I also operate under the partial delusion that writing about all of this stuff may be helping someone else (or potentially could help someone some day).  I sincerely hope that is the case and so I wish I had some sort of sage advice to share with you, but I don't. I've just been fumbling through this storm blindly and attempting to put words to the emotions while I try not to crack.

I also wish I was strong enough to speak out about TFMR; to fully come out and fight the good fight by sharing who I am and what I've been through without hiding behind my blogger name. But I'm not. Not yet anyway. I really look up to the women who can be completely transparent about their stories (like on 1in10blog or UnspokenGrief)  and while I think it's important to tell your story, I'm just not there yet. So, I'll continue to write my little blog and hope that something I say resonates with someone else.

So welcome TFMR mamas and check out the "Help through a loss (TFMR)" tab at the top!  I hate that any of us has to go through this but at least we're not totally alone.  
Feel free to comment anytime!

Smiley Face

I got one today: A smiley face OPK. The last two days I've had lots o' EWCM but was traveling for work and couldn't do anything about it. This morning I peed on a stick and it smiled back at me.  Hubs and I went ahead and humped it out.  I guess that means I'm officially TTC again.

Granted, I am anovulatory and today is CD32 so who the hell knows if this even means anything, but the one time I did ovulate (ONCE!) last August this is exactly what happened.  Hey, maybe being pregnant really DID "fix" my body!  I can dream, right?

So FX and let's hope my temp rises tomorrow morning! Or not. I can't decide.

Fill-the-Void Friday, 6/13

Here are this week's random positive things that are helping fill the void inside me left behind after losing Petey:

• JEN IS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This has made me so so happy this week!I am so happy for her and I pray that she will have a wonderful and healthy 9 months <3
• On Wednesday I wore non-maternity pants to work for the first time in about 6 months.  It has still been difficult every single time I've had to pull on maternity pants since they were the only things that were comfy enough for a full day.  Now, I've lost a little weight and am so happy to be wearing regular pants to work again.
• Last weekend Hubs and I went to see Cirque du Soleil. It was very cool and I enjoyed it. However, it was really hot inside the tent and the seats were extremely close together so it was a little uncomfortable. I found myself thinking about the fact that I should have been 30 weeks pregnant and would have been so unbelievably uncomfortable that we likely wouldn't have been able to stay.  Silver lining?
• I've mentioned on here before that one of my close friends is pregnant with twins.  It has been difficult for me but honestly, they have been great and quite sensitive to our situation.  She texted last week to warn me that I'd soon be receiving a baby shower invitation in the mail but that she completely understands if I don't feel like I can come. I got the invitation the other day and she's right - I can't come. I can't do it. I am so relieved that she understands and that not everyone is completely insensitive.
• I don't have to work this weekend(!!) and I have fun plans: Saturday is my sister's bday so we're spending it together doing girly things and then Sunday is Fathers' Day and we've invited family from both sides to come spend the day poolside and have a big lobster/steak/corn on the cob feast! (Hubs did a favor for some guy in his building who owns a fish distribution company in the Boston Seaport and in return, he's giving us a dozen free 2 pound lobsters! Woohoo!) 

A side note:
Today I am working from home (i.e., from my couch with the TV on in the background) and while composing this post I found that Les Miserables was on HBO. I turned it on to watch for the umpteenth time and amazingly, the part that was on is when Eponine is dying and sings "A Little Fall of Rain"! This was the song I used to sing to Petey. This is "our song".  I don't know if I believe in signs but...wow.  It brought me back three months ago to all the times I spent strolling around the backyard with the dog, rubbing my pregnant belly and singing to Petey while I cried and counted the hours we had left together. Listening to this song just now was emotional. It made me sad and made me remember, but it also gave me a sense of peace and filled me with love.
One of the things I still struggle with is whether or not to think of myself as a mother but Krystal said something once that stuck with me: something to the effect of how, if she denied thinking of herself in that way then that would mean that her boys don't have a mother and that is simply not true. So I'll say it now, here, for the first time:

Mommy loves you so much, Petey. I miss you every day and I will never stop missing you. I love you.

And we're back here again.

Hubs told me yesterday that he wants to start trying to have a baby again.

I don't know how I feel.

I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know how to tell if I'm ready. I don't know if I'll ever truly feel ready.

I knew this was coming. I didn't really expect it on a random Monday evening while I was standing in the kitchen arranging a vase of flowers from the garden but I knew it was coming. I think I hoped it would come later though. Like in a month or maybe two or maybe a year. Or maybe never. 

I feel so different about TTC now. I still want to have a baby. I still picture us as a happy little family with kids playing in the backyard, bikes laying on the driveway, and toys strewn about.  I still want that to be our future, I just don't know at what point in time this daydream of mine takes place.  Is it the immediate future? Is it 5 years down the road? 7?  I'm 32, I'm not getting any younger.  If I got pregnant today I wouldn't even have my first child in my arms until I'm 33.  And I want a brood! I've always wanted 3 or 4 of them. If this daydream has any hope of becoming a reality I better get moving. Time is starting to run out.

Hubs asked me what I felt like I was waiting for.  He was sensitive about it, don't get me wrong, but direct. And I couldn't answer him because I don't know.  I think I'm just afraid.  Some bumpie who is TTCAL said you'll know you're ready when the excitement (of trying again) outweighs the fear.  I don't feel excitement, I feel tired.  I feel dread and fear. I know what it's like to be pregnant now. Besides the amazing fact that you're growing a human inside of you, being pregnant SUCKS. It's really hard on your body and your emotions. Am I ready for that again? Am I ready for any of this again? All the dr. appts and the bloodwork and medications and dildo cams and getting up at the ass crack of dawn to drive 1.5 hrs to the office. All the doctors and all the disappointments. I hated that part of my life.  Although I never would have chosen the path we've had to lead, it was sort of nice to have a break from all of that and just live for a bit. Am I ready to put myself in a position that could lead right back to unbelievable heartbreak again??

But there's that pesky time thing...  and the fact that Hubs is ready has been ready. So now I know for a fact that it's just me. That I'm the one keeping us from trying again. That I'm the one keeping our dream hidden away and pushing it off until I determine that I feel "ready", whatever that means. I'm always going to be afraid.  Even if we wait another 6 months I'll still feel afraid. And I'll be afraid every single day of my pregnancy until that baby is in my arms and is healthy.  So no, I don't really know what I feel like I'm waiting for.

So now I'm sitting here with my heart in my throat staring at my RE's business card. The one that I tucked away happily at the beginning of the year, thinking and hoping I wouldn't have to dig out again until well into 2015 when we were ready for a FET for our second child. (And if I'm being honest, the one I hoped I'd never have to dig it out again because in my dreams, my body magically fixes itself after having Petey and I never have to go through the pain of IF again!! Right.)

But I think today I don't feel ready to make that call. I think I'll just tuck it away again for at least one more day. Or one more week. Or one more month...

I wish I could close my eyes and fast forward to my happy future.

Fill-the-Void Friday!

Hello friends. I have disappeared recently.  But I'm still alive, and I'm doing okay!

I haven't been around much for two reasons: 

1. Work has been CRAZY lately. Long story short: I do government funded work and our contract is up in a couple months so we have to write a proposal to recompete in order to get more funding so that we can all continue to have jobs. IT.IS.MADNESS. I have never experienced anything quite like this before and I'm working pretty much around the clock (including weekends) except for the handful of hours that I'm sleeping.  It's possible I may drop dead soon from utter exhaustion.

2. I've been finding my "new normal" in this life-after-loss. In many ways, my life is exactly the same as it was but in other ways, I am drastically different now. The truth is that I am not the same person I was and I will never be that person again.  But I'm finding that much of the good parts of me are slowly restoring themselves and for that I am thankful. I felt like an empty shell after losing Petey but I've slowing started to fill that void back up again with...what?  I guess just LIFE, really. Love, happiness, knowledge, experience, strength, gratitude, hope, people, plans.

I seem to have reached a sort of 'plateau of grief' that works for me most days.  I am okay. I have moments of happiness. I have moments of sadness. But mostly I am okay.  I do better when I don't think or analyze too much and just try to remain positive.  After all: 

So in the spirit of trying to focus on thinking positively, introducing.......


Fill-the-Void Friday!  
[Kind of like my own little twisted version of a gratitude journal]

Friday used to be the day of the week I'd usually do my pregnancy update post so now I'm thinking that it might be a good day to focus on some happy stuff that has happened/will be happening and random positive things in my life that are helping me fill up this void within me.

So, here we go!

• I have Zumba tomorrow morning!
• It's going to be a beautiful, sunny weekend here. I plan to spend some quality time tomorrow relaxing in my backyard, swimming/floating in the pool and laying in the sun reading a book.
• Hubs and I are going to see Cirque du Soleil (Amaluna) in Boston on Sunday! I've been looking forward to this for months.
• While walking through the office with a coworker earlier this week, I ran into a woman who I haven't seen in a long time and she asked me how the baby was doing. I was able to tell her what happened without crying or losing my shit. As my coworker and I walked away it was quiet for a moment and then she said "Well that sucked." And we both had a good laugh. I consider that a win.
• While working from home today, I happened to look out the window just as two little furry brown bunnies were hopping through the yard!
• My purple irises, orange azaleas and pink clematis have popped and the roses are budding! I do love this time of year.

I guess that's all for this week.  We'll see how long this lasts ;-)