I've been trying to write blog posts over the last week. I have been unsuccessful. The words are just not coming and quite honestly, I am in a dark place. But although I am struggling sometimes to keep in my head above the water, I am not drowning. I am proud of myself that although I have been pulling away lately in the bloggy/facebook/bump world I have been able to take some positive and healthy steps for myself in the real world:
I joined a gym and have been going to Zumba 2-3 times per week. It's been good to have a schedule and something to DO and to look forward to again. I assume the endorphins couldn't hurt either.
I joined My Fitness Pal again and am back to tracking what I eat. I have been (literally) eating my grief since losing Petey and am currently the heaviest I have ever been (even heavier than when I was pregnant). I feel awful, I look awful and if I ever hope to be pregnant again someday I need to do something about this. I've been getting back to my regular work routine with days in the office. This isn't a fun one and is still a struggle every single time but it's good to have a schedule and have a reason to get dressed and get out of the house.
I called a therapist today to make an intro appointment. This woman was recommended to me by my genetic counselor as she has experience with women who have had a loss. I'm still not sure I want to do this but I figure it can't hurt and could probably help. Sometimes I feel like all of this is just too much to handle - that it's so much bigger than I am and I really do need help to get through it in one piece. I'm beginning to think that up until now I had still been in a bit of denial but now it's hit me. It's real life and it's unbelievably painful and I will never be the same again. This is my reality and I need to find healthy ways to cope with that so I can begin to rebuild my life again.
Love you, dear. I'm so proud of you for each and every step you have taken. Calling the therapist, writing this post, getting your butt to Zumba, making it through the day in the office. These are all victories. Petey would be proud <3
ReplyDeleteThank you love <3
DeleteThose are all huge steps and you should be so proud. <3 Big huge hugs sweetie.
ReplyDelete((Hugs)) Love you Chickin. I think you are amazing and you should be proud of everything that you've done <3
ReplyDeleteHugs, hugs, hugs. I'm so proud of you! I truly hope that this all helps you during this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of the steps you have taken, Chickin, they are not easy, but I pray that they help. I think it's amazing that you're able to identify and articulate your needs and then do what you need to do, for you. It's not easy to get back to the office, or to consistently go to Zumba, or to make that call to a therapist - but you did it, and you should be proud of that. I couldn't agree more with Cici, Petey would be proud of you too. You are an amazing woman, I thank you for the privilege of calling you my friend. Please know that you and Petey are never far from my mind, my heart or my prayers. Love you <3
ReplyDeleteI think it is great that you are going to see a therapist, a lot of people don't have enough self awareness to realize that they should do this and that it might help.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry work is a struggle, but I am glad that the routine of going there is good for you.
I used to take Zumba classes a few years ago and remember it being super fun! I am glad you found it and enjoy it!
I am so proud of you too. I hope that all of these steps help with your healing process. You are in my thoughts and prayers all the time. Hugs <3
ReplyDeleteI think I did a bit of eating my feelings too. The food that everyone brought over and all the eating out at restaurants really didn't help. I am trying to eat less and more healthy food. It's hard though.
ReplyDelete