Jack: 9 Months

I fall more in love with this kid every single day.  He is amazing. He's fun and happy and just loves life.

This is him with haircut #3 (already)!  I think he may start army crawling any day now. It's so fun to watch him grow and learn and experience new things.

And I am hangin' in there.

Jack had his ear tube surgery last week and did well. It took him a bit to wake up from the anesthesia and there was a lot of crying but thankfully, everything went smoothly :-)

It's a New Year

2016. I've been blogging for 3 years.  Things have changed a LOT in 3 years. I have changed a lot in 3 years.

Life is different now.  Jack will be 9 months old soon. That blows my mind.  Welcoming him into our lives has been amazing. It has changed everything.  He is my life now, there's no way around that. Before Jack I always kind of hated it when people said this but it's true: Until he came along I honestly did not know I could love someone this much. Or in this way. I truly live my life for him right now. Everything is for him; to give him new experiences, to teach him things (teach him EVERYthing), to make his life the best it can be.  I find myself viewing the world through his eyes now: the wonderment, the excitement. This is the best thing I have ever done.  We've had a tough few years but everything we've been through has led up to this. And I am so grateful. I am lucky to be his mom. I am so lucky to be able to witness every single change and growth. He is simply amazing and I honestly love him more and more every single day.

[I should have put a "warning: mushy" caution on that last paragraph.]

It's not without it's difficulties though. Hubs and I have come out of (what I hope is) the worst of the haze. The depression and anxiety... We're both on meds that seems to be working well enough for us and we're both still seeing therapists weekly. Soon we'll be joining one another at each others therapy sessions too. We both have a lot of shit to deal with and we also need to work on our marriage. I told my therapist that I was upset because our relationship felt like it was changing and she made a good point, saying: "Well, it's not just the two of you anymore. You've added another person into your relationship - why wouldn't it change?" She's right. It's really unrealistic of me to think that things would be the same between us when everything else in our lives has changed so much.

Which brings me to the next big topic which I honestly don't even know how broach so I'm just gonna say it: We put our dog down the week before Christmas.  I am heartbroken about it. Honestly I feel numb. He went after Jack. As in, tried to attack him :-( He has always had an aggressive temperament, even as a tiny pup, and has bitten people before.  He got much much worse after Jack came. We were living with gates and crates and separation through most of the house and had worked with multiple trainers and behavioral specialists over the years. And every single one of them (including his Vet) said it was in his DNA and wasn't trainable. We didn't want to believe them.  Then a few weeks ago he went after Jack.  I thank God that I was right there. I was on the floor between them and saw him start to bare his teeth in the way I've seen before, right before he's about to attack, and I pushed him out of the way to cover Jack with my body.  My dog attacked me instead. It was violent. It was scary. And it felt like it lasted a long time as I just allowed myself to be attacked as I laid over my son, protecting him. The doctor said if I hadn't been wearing so many layers for him to rip through (bra, t-shirt and sweatshirt) he could have very easily punctured a lung.  I have healed now but I will have scars.  In a way I am happy for the scars because despite what happened we loved that dog. And in a weird twisted way, it's something to remember him by. I miss him. I'm sad that it came to this. I'm sad he wasn't adoptable. I'm sad the aggression wasn't trainable. I'm sad we had to say goodbye.  But I also look at Jack and am so unbelievably grateful that he is safe and there's no option for an accident like that to happen again. It was like keeping a loaded gun in the house - there was no way to tell when he would go off. It was too dangerous.  I miss him though. And choosing to euthanize him brought back a whole flood of emotions and memories from when we had to choose to end our first baby's life. Sigh. It was all too similar. It's too much power. I hate the feeling.

Honestly it's hard for me to believe our pup is gone. It's been two weeks and I still feel like he's just not here right now and we're going to go pick him up later from the vet or groomer or wherever. It's surreal to see your beloved dog go from strong and healthy one moment to then have to remember that he's no longer living.  He was our first dog. A corgi.  We did a lot of research and got him specifically because corgis are known for being great family dogs, especially with small children.  Unfortunately, we got one who wasn't. We loved him though. He always had issues and we made accommodations so his life was as good as it could be despite his problems. But once Jack came it couldn't be all about him anymore. And I could no longer eliminate all the situations that made him anxious and nervous. How do you tell an 8 month old baby that you can't touch the dog, that you can't look directly into his eyes because it will make him so nervous he'll attack you? Sigh. I'm just sad.  That pup got me through a lot of hard times; through the years of infertility, through saying goodbye to Petey, through Jack's dwarfism diagnosis, through depression and loneliness...  He was always here. For 4.5 years. I worked from home for much of that time and he was my constant companion.  I miss him.  Things are lonelier around here. Now it's just me and Jack and I feel it.

Besides that things are okay.  I'm concerned about winter because I have always had Seasonal Affective Disorder and now I will be mostly stuck indoors with a baby for the next few months. I'm still battling my PPD and PPA so I'm worried with SAD added in I may have a rough winter.  Now that the holidays are over I'm thinking of looking into volunteering one or two days a week somewhere.  Quite honestly I feel sort of useless now that I'm a SAHM. I know I am raising my child and that is so significant and important to me, and I am so grateful we are able to swing it financially so I don't have to work too, but in the monotony of everyday life I get bored. And lonely. And depressed. I need to do something with myself and have a reason to put on real pants everyday and maybe even some makeup, ha.

It's a new year. It feels kind of like a new life for me now. And I don't know where this blog will go from here. It has been an important part of my past few years but I don't know if it has a place in my future or not.

311 posts. 1938 comments. 133,800+ page views. 

Thank you for being a part of it <3

Happy New Year!

Jack: 8 Months

I'm hoping to do a real update at some point soon.  Hugs to anyone still following this blog ;-)

Jack: 7 Months

Well, things have been interesting around here.

I'm in therapy. Hubs is in therapy. We're both on anti-depressants. (Mine seem to be working a bit better than his.) We're also both in PT twice a week for our backs. My parents left last week and I've been cobbling together help from friends and family every day since. It has been hard for me to take care of Jack on my own because a couple weeks ago I pinched a nerve in my neck and twisted funny at the same time, knocking my top 8 vertebrae out of alignment. That was fun. Thanks to PT I'm definitely on the mend and can now hold Jack (and lift him in and out of his crib) so that's a huge improvement. Next week we're going down to just Nanny J in the mornings and all me in the afternoons through bedtime.  Hopefully I'll be ok physically at that point. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous. Luckily though, we have a lot of loving people in our lives that are willing and able to help if I say the word.

Mentally/emotionally it's been a roller coaster.  I mentioned in a previous post that Hubs has been struggling with paternal postnatal depression, anxiety and OCD. It got really bad (and quite scary) for a while there. Turns out he had a bad reaction to the first med he tried so once he switched he got a bit better.  Then we got some tough medical news about Jack (more about that below) and he really spiraled downhill again. That one lasted for a while.  I don't have the energy to write about the hard times except to say that when it's hard it is REALLY REALLY hard, but luckily he seems to be coming out of the worst of it again now.  Thank God.  But during the brief respite of relief I think I was able to finally take a breath and focus a bit more on myself and it was then that I realized just how bad I was. I realized I've been fighting PPD (post partum depression) and I reached out and got some help.  Through therapy I'm now discovering I've been depressed for a long time, starting probably 2 years into infertility and extending through losing Petey, grieving, all the difficulties that go along with being pregnant after loss, receiving the shocking news at the end of my pregnancy about Jack's dwarfism, and now adjusting to life not just as a new mom with a baby but as one with a baby with special needs.  My therapist made a point to say that I have been through multiple traumas over the past few years. I never thought of it that way but she's right. I'm working on being okay.

As for Jack, he's doing awesome. He is such a sweet baby and really is the light of my life. The medical news I mentioned previously was two-fold: We happened to find out on the same day that 1) he'll need to have surgery soon to place ear tubes (it's scheduled for the day after Thanksgiving) and 2) his sleep study results came back and confirmed that not only does he have obstructive apnea (which we expected), but also central apnea which is the one we were hoping wouldn't be present.  Unfortunately the episodes of central apnea were much more prevalent than the obstructive so it's unlikely he'll grow out of it (central = neurological). This past Monday we went to Boston Children's Hospital yet again (quickly becoming our new home away from home) and met with a pulmonologist and the head of the sleep clinic. Jack is now set up with oxygen at night which will hopefully help him breathe better and more consistently. Right now he is not in a C-PAP mask (likely because he is so little) but in three months we have our follow up appt to evaluate the effectiveness and have a repeat sleep study to see if he's receiving enough oxygen through just the nasal cannula.  We haven't started the oxygen yet because we are still waiting for a part to come in but it is very weird to have respiratory equipment in his nursery now. I am not looking forward to having to try to wrangle him into this thing now every time he sleeps and honestly I'm going to be even MORE concerned about him at night now because I'll be worried he'll get the tubing wrapped around his neck :-(

As for the ear tubes: It's a routine surgery for lots of little kids so normally I wouldn't be concerned about it but he does need to go under anesthesia and kiddos with dwarfism often have complications with anesthesia. This will be his first experience with it so I'm not sure how it will go but I'm hoping for the best.  (I'm trying not to think about it much honestly.)

I feel like I've been taking the news in stride but Hubs hasn't been able to do that. He is in much worse shape than me and with every additional thing he just feels overwhelmed and extremely negative. He's having pervasive catastrophic thoughts so when I told him that Jack's study came back as positive for obstructive and central apnea he can't see it as: "Ok, we'll meet with specialists and figure out what will help him breathe better at night", he sees it as: "Oh my god, there's another medical issue with our child and he could die in his sleep and since it's central apnea he will have neurological issues and likely has spinal compression too (since central apnea can be a marker for compression) so he'll have to have back surgery and he'll probably have complications with the anesthesia and and and..."  I am sure it is exhausting. The anxiety reduces him to a paralyzed crying heap of a man who is stuck in his own head and unable to see his way out or gain perspective.  It's hard. And it's hard on me too. I am learning mental illness is a scary and unpredictable beast. It's an ailment - like a broken arm for instance - for which you need treatment (therapy and meds) but unlike a broken arm, you can't SEE your progress. You can't see it heal in tangible ways. You don't know what will re-injure you. You don't know how much longer it will take to be able to be back to full strength again.  It's tough. And I am already dreading the next "bad" news we get because I fully expect for him to spiral downward again. I just have to hope that he's learning tools in therapy, as I am, to be able to better handle the things that are thrown our way.

Our relationship, our marriage, is very different right now because he is very different right now.  He's not himself. And I am different too. It's impossible not to be now that Jack is here. And I think it's also impossible not to be after the things we have been through. It reminds me of this quote:

I think we'll be okay though. We're working through it; in our own ways and together. It will be a long process though. In the meantime I'm taking one day at a time and enjoying my little guy as much as I possibly can. He is just amazing.

Dwarfism Awareness Month

October is Dwarfism Awareness Month!  Just as I have done previously with Infertility Awareness Week, I am using my Facebook feed to try to raise awareness about dwarfism by posting interesting info and links. I've gotten some good feedback so far, lots of interest and quite a few people thanking me saying they're learning a lot. That's exactly what I'm going for :-)

Below are the posts I have made thus far.  I'll add to this periodically as I post more. If you'd like to also help raise awareness about dwarfism feel free to copy and paste any of the below info you like!  Very few people know anything about dwarfism so the more awareness that can be raised, the better!


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October is awareness month for two causes that are near and dear to my heart: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness, and Dwarfism Awareness. I'll be posting about both this month because neither are as well understood as they should be and my hope is that I may be able to provide you, my friends, with some information about them. [Hubs] and I never thought we'd have to say goodbye to our first child and we never thought our second would be born with Achondroplasia, the most common form of dwarfism. We miss our angel every day and we are thankful every day for the amazing son we hold in our arms. I hope you'll take a minute to read my posts this month!

 Learn some facts about dwarfism!

Did you know that the majority of children born with dwarfism (80%) have average-sized parents? Dwarfism is caused by a spontaneous gene mutation at conception. What prompts a gene to change is not yet clearly understood. It is seemingly random and unpreventable, and can occur in any pregnancy. That means you too could one day have a child with dwarfism!




Did you know that there is over 200 different types of dwarfism? Jack's form is called Achondroplasia, which is the most common form. It is characterized by a large head, average sized trunk and shorter arms and legs (think: Peter Dinklage aka badass Tyrion Lannister from G.O.T.).
We are grateful to have a diagnosis as it helps us and Jack's doctors know what to expect and what to watch out for. Many babies with dwarfism won't have a diagnosis confirmed for many months, even years, and some never officially receive a diagnosis at all.




Most types of dwarfism have medical complications, some more severe than others. Some common ones associated with Achondroplasia (the type Jack has) are sleep apnea, hydrocephalus ("water on the brain"), spinal compression, chronic ear infections, and orthopedic issues. We are always on the lookout for signs of each of these problems and see specialists regularly. Now that Jack is 6 months old we are beginning to notice some of the expected delays in motor skill development due to his Achon. Most kiddos with Achon will experience motor delays with things like controlling the movements of the head, sitting up, crawling, and walking, but intellectual development is normal.




Did you know that the word “midget” is considered highly offensive to those with dwarfism? This dates back to "freak show" times when little people were only seen as here for others' entertainment and not as people in their own right. Acceptable words to use are: dwarf, little person, person with dwarfism, or short-statured. But most people with dwarfism just prefer to be called by their name rather than by their condition.
Please click on the below link to learn 5 things you should never say to a little person and to get a glimpse of what daily life is like for many short-statured individuals.
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2014/08/26/5-things-should-never-say-to-little-person/





As the parent of a little person this is hard for me to read but it just reaffirms why we need dwarfism awareness.
https://lovebecxo.wordpress.com/2015/10/02/6/

There is no single treatment for dwarfism and most people with this condition and their families do not feel it is something to be "fixed". Instead, individualized accommodations such as specialized furniture, stools, long grabbers/sticks, etc., are used by people with dwarfism throughout their lives. Individuals with short stature can do just about everything an average-height person can, sometimes just in a different way. Their height does not keep them from leading fulfilled lives, achieving higher levels of education, or accomplishing career and personal ambitions. Dwarfism is not a disease and though opinions vary within the little people community about whether dwarfism is a disability, it is a recognized condition under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

When [Hubs] and I found out at 36 weeks pregnant that our child had dwarfism we had no idea what to do or what to think. We knew almost nothing about dwarfism and didn't even know that we, as two average height people with no other little people (LPs) in our families, could even conceive a child with dwarfism! We were lucky to quickly find some LP groups on facebook and were welcomed by some wonderful people into this new family with open arms. We were offered all kinds of guidance, resources, and support for which we will be forever grateful.  It was hard to wrap our brains around what was happening and that our child (and in fact our future) would be very different from what we had always pictured. One of the things that helped us come to terms with that is the following essay we were given called "Welcome to Holland":
http://www.our-kids.org/archives/Holland.html