On this day...

On this day 1 year ago: We found out Jack had dwarfism. I was 36 weeks pregnant.
On this day 2 years ago: We found out Petey had so many birth defects he likely would not make it. I was 19 weeks pregnant.

Two years in a row we were at MFM on this day, learning the fate of the child I was carrying. Crying, wondering how this could be our reality.

March 17 & 18 are loaded days for me. Last year was so surreal to be in the same place with the same doctors as the previous year. It was a huge relief to hear that there was a low chance of Jack's dwarfism being lethal but I'm not sure it eased much of the anxiety and the overall sense of doom and deja vu.  I've been dreading the days leading up to today and yesterday. I wonder how many years it will take for me to NOT have my past be my prevailing thought leading up to these days. I wonder if that will ever fully go away.

I feel ashamed when I think back to one year ago. When the OB told me the ultrasound revealed that he had dwarfism I was in shock. I was scared, I was confused, I felt cursed, I felt...disappointed. I didn't want it to be true. I didn't want to be carrying a little person. I barely even knew what dwarfism was. I just knew it wasn't "NORMAL".  And ALL I wanted was to be normal. After being "special" due to years of infertility, after being "special" due to IVF, after being "special" due to loss, and due to choosing TFMR...I was in too many categories outside the norm. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted one thing to go right. I wanted to put all of these hardships in my past and be able to say to the world, "yes I overcame challenges and it was hard but it didn't break me, and look at me now, I'm just like you - just a mom with a son".  But receiving his dwarfism diagnosis confirmed that I, and my family, would never be "normal". I could have hid my past from the world if I chose to but I can't hide this.  My son is a dwarf. A year later I still haven't sorted out all of my feelings related to that. I know that I'm afraid for what the future holds for him. I didn't want him to be different but he is. And will always be. We will need to figure out how that looks and what that means for him. But what I do know is that I love him. More than I ever even thought possible.  And I just want for him to be happy. There are so many unknowns when it comes to his (and our) future but I just want him to be happy in life.

Our lives changed forever on this day last year. And it changed forever on this day two years ago. But I'm glad to report that so far, today has been a rather ordinary day :-)

Jack: 11 Months

Eleven!  (Less than) One month to go until my baby is a YEAR old!  How in the hell did that happen?!

He is doing awesome as usual. He was supposed to have his MRI (the one that has already been rescheduled twice) yesterday but we had to reschedule AGAIN because Jack's getting over a cold and he had a high fever. Apparently no anesthesia within two weeks of a fever. I'm beginning to get anxiety about the whole thing now.  It's been pushed off for so long that I feel like my brain is now becoming convinced that either it's a really bad idea so fate keeps intercepting, or that it's becoming dire for him to get it since it's been pushed off so long!  Ugh.  Post partum hormones are still making me a crazy person.

Speaking of; I'm still on Lexapro and it's helped.  Still not sure if I need to either up my dose or change meds but I saw my PCP last month and mentioned my crazy mood swings and depressive states and so on and so on, and we decided I should try a new birth control pill - one that has increasing levels of hormones each of the three weeks instead of the same amount of hormone throughout the month. I just finished the first pack and I do think it helped me stay a little more even this month!  Yay. I'm hoping that all I needed was a BCP change. We'll see how this next month goes.

In other med-related news, I stopped Metformin about 4 months ago.  When I started it about 3 years ago it was to help me ovulate (it didn't, if you recall).  Then I stayed on it because it helped me feel a little more even with my moods, THEN I stayed on it through pregnancy because there are studies showing that it can help women with PCOS produce more milk with breastfeeding (Yep, didn't do that either).  Finally, I was afraid to get off of it because I had been on it so long and didn't know if I'd developed insulin resistance during that time OR if I'd have even worse mood swings since I was already experiencing PPD/PPA.  However, one day I was just like, "why the F am I still on this?!" So with my PCP's approval, I stopped. And I've had no problems. We checked my A1C and it's been totally normal, I don't have insulin resistance, I don't have any added crazy mood swings, and, bonus: I finally poop like a normal human again!! Looks like I was on a med for the last three years that did absolutely nothing for me.  Humph.

Oh, and did I also mention that I'm now apparently allergic to Penicillin?  And now also having reactions to eating eggs. Awesome. Apparently this is a thing: After pregnancy, a woman can develop allergies to things to which she was not previously allergic. That's some bullshit right there.

Nothing else really going on.  I'm planning Jack's bday party. I cannot WAIT for his smash cake photosession :-D  And we're flying my parents in for about a week so they can be here for it too. They miss him SO MUCH. I don't blame them. He is pretty much awesome and irresistibly cute. We're also starting to prep the house to put it on the market and starting to look at houses closer to Boston so Hubs' commute can be shorter.  He's going to need another back surgery very soon so we'll probably do all the house stuff after he recovers. I think we're looking at late April/early May.

Anywho, that's what's going on over here! Here are a bunch of Jack pics because I can't resist:

Hi! (trying to make an escape)

Loves to feed himself!

My phone is his favorite thing

This is how he plays with toys since he can't sit on his own yet.

Flexible!

I don't think he could be cuter.

Had a playdate and he LOVED this car. We're getting it for him in blue for his bday (minus the wine).

Jack: 10 Months

He is such a little lovebug. This is the first month that he wouldn't sit still for his picture which is a very good thing :-)  He's gaining more and more core strength and is now able to hold himself in the sitting position for a handful of seconds at a time.  This is a HUGE milestone.  He's always on the move and is generally just such a happy little guy.  Argh I love him.

I'm doing okay. Still in therapy, still in physical therapy. Currently reading a book called "Keys to Unlocking Depression", written by my therapist's apparent mentor. I like him though. I've also done some hypnosis sessions with him and I like his positive point of view. I'm trying not to hibernate as much as I want to this winter and have been making a point to get out of the house and see friends and have playdates with other moms so that I have a reason to put on pants and hopefully don't forget how to speak English. I'm looking forward to spring.

Hubs isn't great. We learned he's definitely going to need another back surgery. This time a spinal fusion. He's in immense pain and most days I need to help him put on socks and pants... it's become a major part of our lives. He is honestly one step away from disabled at this point and I am both amazed and grateful that he's still able to go into work every day.  He works in Boston though which means he's spending at least 3 hours driving every day which I'm sure is not helping the back situation. This spring we're still planning to put the house on the market and move closer to the city.  We're at the point where we'll do anything to alleviate some of this pain for him. We're even considering renting an apartment down there so that he doesn't have to drive EVERY day.  Sigh. It's no good right now.

Besides that, I'm starting to plan Jack's birthday party! I honestly cannot believe he'll be turning one before long. This has been the fastest almost-year and also the longest and the hardest and the most wonderful and the most challenging...  This year I have learned that what I pictured life to be like with a child is drastically different in real life.  I had a LOT of time to think about it and prepare and hope and pray and never did I think it would be like this. It's both amazing and the hardest job in the world. I'm thankful every minute of the day and I'm exhausted every minute of the day.  I don't doubt that it is likely very different for me than most other moms since I have a son with some special needs and a more-or-less disabled husband so things are much more challenging than I thought they would be but they are also wonderful.

We're very up in the air about what will happen regarding future family. We always wanted multiple children - Hubs always said 2 or 3, I always said 3 or 4 - but now, after what we've been through, what we're both going through physically (AND mentally), and with all of Jack's issues, we just don't know anymore.  We might be one and done. We might adopt. We might try again. I really don't know. Due to significant genetic conditions with my pregnancies with both Jack and Petey, Hubs and I will definitely need to have some genetic testing done to determine our risks with another pregnancy and if we choose to use our frosties, will need PGD.  I am so not ready to face all of that. Months ago I told myself I would start to focus on that after the first of the year. Then January came and went and I still wasn't ready.  Once into February I made myself call and make an appointment to see a genetic counselor. I told myself the hardest part was just making the call. It wasn't.  I made the call. I set up the appointment. I made arrangements for medical records from both pregnancies and from Jack's diagnostic testing to be sent. And every single day I had anxiety about it.  One day last week I had a full blown panic attack. I went in to talk to my therapist and realized that although I was telling myself to be ready, I'm just not.  I called and cancelled the appointment. It was supposed to be today. I'm so relieved it wasn't.  Maybe I'll revisit it in a month or two. Maybe not. I'll have to see how I feel. I just need SOMETHING besides family matters to be my project. I need to try to find myself again and what *I* like to do and what *I* want to do... The last 4 years have been devoted to TTC, to pregnancies, to grief, to navigating this new world as a mom and this unknown world of dwarfism.  I have to do something for ME again before I can be okay devoting myself to the TTC rollercoaster again.

Anywho, that's what's going on with me.  Baby's waking up so I have to go. I will leave you with some sweet pictures of my favorite guy :-)

My little bookworm

Crawling away

The kid loves to eat!

Hi!

Superbaby!

Jack: 9 Months

I fall more in love with this kid every single day.  He is amazing. He's fun and happy and just loves life.

This is him with haircut #3 (already)!  I think he may start army crawling any day now. It's so fun to watch him grow and learn and experience new things.

And I am hangin' in there.

Jack had his ear tube surgery last week and did well. It took him a bit to wake up from the anesthesia and there was a lot of crying but thankfully, everything went smoothly :-)

It's a New Year

2016. I've been blogging for 3 years.  Things have changed a LOT in 3 years. I have changed a lot in 3 years.

Life is different now.  Jack will be 9 months old soon. That blows my mind.  Welcoming him into our lives has been amazing. It has changed everything.  He is my life now, there's no way around that. Before Jack I always kind of hated it when people said this but it's true: Until he came along I honestly did not know I could love someone this much. Or in this way. I truly live my life for him right now. Everything is for him; to give him new experiences, to teach him things (teach him EVERYthing), to make his life the best it can be.  I find myself viewing the world through his eyes now: the wonderment, the excitement. This is the best thing I have ever done.  We've had a tough few years but everything we've been through has led up to this. And I am so grateful. I am lucky to be his mom. I am so lucky to be able to witness every single change and growth. He is simply amazing and I honestly love him more and more every single day.

[I should have put a "warning: mushy" caution on that last paragraph.]

It's not without it's difficulties though. Hubs and I have come out of (what I hope is) the worst of the haze. The depression and anxiety... We're both on meds that seems to be working well enough for us and we're both still seeing therapists weekly. Soon we'll be joining one another at each others therapy sessions too. We both have a lot of shit to deal with and we also need to work on our marriage. I told my therapist that I was upset because our relationship felt like it was changing and she made a good point, saying: "Well, it's not just the two of you anymore. You've added another person into your relationship - why wouldn't it change?" She's right. It's really unrealistic of me to think that things would be the same between us when everything else in our lives has changed so much.

Which brings me to the next big topic which I honestly don't even know how broach so I'm just gonna say it: We put our dog down the week before Christmas.  I am heartbroken about it. Honestly I feel numb. He went after Jack. As in, tried to attack him :-( He has always had an aggressive temperament, even as a tiny pup, and has bitten people before.  He got much much worse after Jack came. We were living with gates and crates and separation through most of the house and had worked with multiple trainers and behavioral specialists over the years. And every single one of them (including his Vet) said it was in his DNA and wasn't trainable. We didn't want to believe them.  Then a few weeks ago he went after Jack.  I thank God that I was right there. I was on the floor between them and saw him start to bare his teeth in the way I've seen before, right before he's about to attack, and I pushed him out of the way to cover Jack with my body.  My dog attacked me instead. It was violent. It was scary. And it felt like it lasted a long time as I just allowed myself to be attacked as I laid over my son, protecting him. The doctor said if I hadn't been wearing so many layers for him to rip through (bra, t-shirt and sweatshirt) he could have very easily punctured a lung.  I have healed now but I will have scars.  In a way I am happy for the scars because despite what happened we loved that dog. And in a weird twisted way, it's something to remember him by. I miss him. I'm sad that it came to this. I'm sad he wasn't adoptable. I'm sad the aggression wasn't trainable. I'm sad we had to say goodbye.  But I also look at Jack and am so unbelievably grateful that he is safe and there's no option for an accident like that to happen again. It was like keeping a loaded gun in the house - there was no way to tell when he would go off. It was too dangerous.  I miss him though. And choosing to euthanize him brought back a whole flood of emotions and memories from when we had to choose to end our first baby's life. Sigh. It was all too similar. It's too much power. I hate the feeling.

Honestly it's hard for me to believe our pup is gone. It's been two weeks and I still feel like he's just not here right now and we're going to go pick him up later from the vet or groomer or wherever. It's surreal to see your beloved dog go from strong and healthy one moment to then have to remember that he's no longer living.  He was our first dog. A corgi.  We did a lot of research and got him specifically because corgis are known for being great family dogs, especially with small children.  Unfortunately, we got one who wasn't. We loved him though. He always had issues and we made accommodations so his life was as good as it could be despite his problems. But once Jack came it couldn't be all about him anymore. And I could no longer eliminate all the situations that made him anxious and nervous. How do you tell an 8 month old baby that you can't touch the dog, that you can't look directly into his eyes because it will make him so nervous he'll attack you? Sigh. I'm just sad.  That pup got me through a lot of hard times; through the years of infertility, through saying goodbye to Petey, through Jack's dwarfism diagnosis, through depression and loneliness...  He was always here. For 4.5 years. I worked from home for much of that time and he was my constant companion.  I miss him.  Things are lonelier around here. Now it's just me and Jack and I feel it.

Besides that things are okay.  I'm concerned about winter because I have always had Seasonal Affective Disorder and now I will be mostly stuck indoors with a baby for the next few months. I'm still battling my PPD and PPA so I'm worried with SAD added in I may have a rough winter.  Now that the holidays are over I'm thinking of looking into volunteering one or two days a week somewhere.  Quite honestly I feel sort of useless now that I'm a SAHM. I know I am raising my child and that is so significant and important to me, and I am so grateful we are able to swing it financially so I don't have to work too, but in the monotony of everyday life I get bored. And lonely. And depressed. I need to do something with myself and have a reason to put on real pants everyday and maybe even some makeup, ha.

It's a new year. It feels kind of like a new life for me now. And I don't know where this blog will go from here. It has been an important part of my past few years but I don't know if it has a place in my future or not.

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Happy New Year!