"May the odds be ever in your favor"

LOVE Katniss, LOVE the Hunger Games, LOVE Jennifer Lawrence.

Well, my diagnostic testing is officially done and I am convinced that the odds are totally in my favor regarding TTC.  However, it's really easy to lose sight of that as the days tick by with no measurable progress and no baby. I've decided to write down all that is working in my favor and the few obstacles I have in the TTC process, so that I can refer to this post whenever I'm feeling defeated and need some perspective.

Things in my favor:

• Good SA results: healthy swimmers!
• Good HSG results: clear tubes!
• Good baseline U/S results: normal-shaped uterus, good blood flow to proper areas, ovaries were a normal size, no strange masses/scarring/etc.
• Good B/W results:  high androgen levels but that is to be expected due to the PCOS
• On Metformin and I have faith that it will help
• Sloooowly losing some weight
• Acupuncture 1x/week (can't hurt, right?)

Things working against me:

• No ovulation (also causes long, irregular cycles)
• PCOS (more difficult to get KU and higher chance of miscarriage)
• Hubby's chronic pain

That's it! The odds here are clearly in my favor. 

Hubby's pain is and will always be a challenge since there's not much more to be done about it than we're already doing, but that just means we need to be as intentional as possible about our timing. [One of these days I will blog about the physical and psychological difficulties (for both of us) that come with his chronic pain but for today, I am feeling positive and don't want to get all deep and bring myself down.]

My other challenges can (and are) being worked on; Metformin and weight loss should help and if they don't do enough on their own, Clomid (or Femara) should make me O. I have no doubt that we should be able to get KU with just a little help. And if we can't, there are other options down the road that I know could be successful (they'd just take some additional work, time, money and PATIENCE). But, like the title of one of my favorite blogs to stalk states; "The harder to get, the better to have"! 

Wednesday, Bloody Wednesday

Well, it's cycle day 16 and I'm STILL bleeding. This is a first.  I think I choose the extremely long cycles over the extremely long period. Unfortunately, I'll probably have both this cycle. Yuck.  And my ultrasound is tomorrow morning so that should be fun.  Luckily, the nurse said that u/s are often done around CD3 so they're likely used to the bleeding. Can't say I'm really looking forward to it though.

Also, I ended up starting the double dose of Metformin on Monday since I had a couple of okay days in there so I'm now at 1500mg/day.  The first day was alright but this morning was ugly. I HAD to go into the office today though so I pumped myself full of Immodium and powered through. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Lastly, today my pregnant next door neighbor's water broke so they're at the hospital tonight. She's almost 3 weeks early so we're all hoping everything goes well and that they'll be bringing home their healthy baby girl soon.  I'm so excited and happy for them and wishing them all the best but I also can't help but feel a little jealous and sad for myself.  It makes me want to be pregnant SO BADLY. I would love for our kids to be close in age so we could hang out together while the kids play in the yard...sigh. I could go on and on about my feelings on this but I really don't feel like dwelling on it tonight and making myself feel bad.  Instead I'm gonna keep watching the Bruins kick the Habs' ass!

Can We All Agree?: TNC Edition

And by "TNC" I am of course talking about Tuna Noodle Casserole.

Who thought this dish up?  I made this tonight for the first time because I actually had NEVER had it before (amazing, right?). It was the grossest shit I have ever eaten. Why is this popular?

Can we all agree that Tuna Noodle Casserole is disgusting and should not be made or eaten by anyone ever? Below, I have posted the nastiest picture of it I could find because even though mine didn't look like that, it tasted the way that picture looks (aka: like vomit).

In other news...

In the midst of unnecessarily feeling bad for myself, I forgot to write down my other news:

1) The nurse gave me my repeat bloodwork results and my potassium levels are fine. I celebrated by immediately gobbling down a banana.

2) They want me to double the Metformin dose to 1500mg/day starting on Monday so I am thinking I should buy some stock in Charmin UltraSoft. 

Here's how I plan to decorate my bathroom next week:

Lastly,
3) The nurse scheduled me for a pelvic exam & ultrasound for next Thurs AM so it's back the hospital I go! Fingers crossed:  this should be the last testing that needs to be done before my next RE appt (rescheduled for May 2nd)!

Another irregular cycle

I'm feeling sorry for myself this afternoon...

I was really hoping that I would have a normal cycle this time. Just one!  One in 10+ months isn't too much to ask for, right?  (Granted, today is only CD11 so it ought to be laughable that I'm feeling like this already but) I just talked to my RE's nurse and she said that it sounds like my post-HSG bleeding is just a continuation of my period.  Y'know, the one I started 11 days ago?  I did have 1 day in there where it was just a teensy amount of spotting, so I assumed that after 5 days of bleeding and 2 days of spotting that it was over. Then I had the HSG and apparently that just re-opened the flood gates (I'll refrain from posting another gross blood-related gif) since this last period (or apparently, 1/2 of a period) was lighter than usual and my last cycle was 85 days long.  I got me a fair amount of lining to get rid of.

I am bummed. I've been really excited about this cycle since I'm on Metformin now, I'm losing weight and also going to Acupuncture, so I was hoping those would help regulate me, AND I just had the HSG (which, for some reason in my mind apparently means I'm ripe for the pickin') but I think I was just getting my hopes up for no reason.  I let myself think for a couple weeks that maybe I would actually ovulate and not only that, ovulate at a NORMAL time, so I kept thinking Hubs and I could bang it out this weekend, I'd O like a normal person and we'd finally have a shot!  Now, it looks like I'll still have my period this weekend so THAT won't be happening.

Sigh.

Overall it is a GOOD thing if this is still just my period because that means there's not something else wrong which would be MUCH much worse. So for that I am grateful. And eventually it will end and who knows? Maybe I will O this cycle.  It just won't be on CD14.  One of The Bump's TTGP ladies just got KU after Oing on CD82!  That gives me a little glimmer of hope for my ridiculous never-ending cycles...

Post-HSG Bleeding

I realize it's normal to have some spotting after the procedure but what I'm having is beyond spotting. 
I had the HSG on Tues AM and had zero spotting until last night (Wed PM) when I starting getting bright red blood and some clotting every time I wiped.  It's gotten heavier and now I need a pad.  Currently I'd classify it as light to moderate flow like a period, only a brighter red.  I googled the shit out of it this morning and it seems that since it's not heavy (yet) and I have no pain, fever, or additional discharge, I'm currently okay. I'm going to monitor it closely though and if it gets heavier or lasts like this beyond tomorrow I'm going to call the dr.  I really hope nothing's wrong!

HSG is done aaaaaand...

...my tubes are clear!  Yippee! Glad that's over. 

It was mostly fine but I think I had worked myself up a little bit since my sister said hers was EXTREMELY painful (I wonder if she was allergic to the dye?) and I read multiple stories on The Bump from women who did not have great experiences. I was also already having a weird morning because we got another foot of snow today (of course) so I had to shovel before leaving, the 45 min drive turned into 1 hr 15 mins due to the weather, and then there were ZERO spots in the parking garage so I was almost late. I also had to go to a different part of the hospital where I had never been so I didn't really know where I was going. Additionally, Hubby was planning to come with me today but he ended up getting sick so he stayed home and I took his car since it has 4-wheel drive.  However, it's a gigantic monstrosity that I had never driven before so it was really fun figuring out how to maneuver the thing whilst in the middle of a snowstorm. 
Needless to say, I was stressed before I even put on the assless gown.

The first bad part was when he put in the speculum (aka: duck bill) because it seems he pinched something up in there so I was already having pain before he even did anything. Apparently I wasn't doing as good a job of not grimacing as I thought I was because the Tech mentioned something to the Dr. who adjusted it which gave me a brief moment of relief.  However, the doc must have then immediately inflated the balloon (with no warning) because I had instant intense cramping in a way that was different than I had ever felt and I immediately got completely flushed/really hot and nauseous. I think I concerned them. The Tech brought a cold facecloth to put on my forehead which helped and I just focused on breathing and answering her when she asked if I was okay. It was weird - like my body went from zero to sixty in an instant and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I'm pretty sure the best part of it though was when I told the Dr. that I was afraid I was going to poop on him since I have constant diarrhea from the Metformin. I bet that was fun for him. 

Luckily it was over quickly and I had no additional pain or cramping the rest of the day.  I also got a chance to see my tubes on the monitor (they look very long and squiggly!) and could see that the dye spilled out of them so I know they are open.  I was hoping to also see pics of my uterus so I could see the shape but I didn't really get a chance and didn't want to ask for something else from the Doc when I was already the patient who threatened to poop in his face. My sister's HSG showed that her uterus was abnormally shaped, which was relayed to her by her RE so I assume that at this point if I hear from my RE then that's a bad sign. Otherwise, I think I'm good!

YAY!

Next Steps: HSG & b/w

I forgot to post an update last Friday regarding my bloodwork results:  I am NOT a carrier for Cystic Fibrosis or Spinal Muscular Atrophy (look who figured out what SMA stands for!) and I had previously learned that my Rubella immunity and RH factor are positive so that's good. 

Besides that, the nurse said my Potassium levels were high so they want me to lay off the bananas and spinach for the next week and then come in for repeat b/w this Thursday. That's a bummer because A) I hate getting blood drawn (although I am getting quite used to it lately) and B) I eat both spinach and a banana almost every day. Now that I'm on Metformin and having almost constant upset stomach/diarrhea, I would really like to eat a banana since it's one of the better foods to help calm the tummy (I am quite familiar with the BRAT diet - Bananas, Rice, Applesauce & Toast for those of you who aren't lucky enough to have a touch of IBS all their lives like I seem to) but, too bad.

Additionally, my HSG is scheduled for Tuesday morning (CD8)  so I'll have to start antibiotics tomorrow (which will apparently also make me poop, hurrah!)  since it's invasive. I'm not exactly looking forward to the procedure since it sounds like it could be very painful (at a minimum, quite uncomfortable) but I'm glad it's scheduled.  It will be one more thing off the checklist and hopefully my tubes will be clear and we'll be good to go!  Hubby is coming with me because my sister said that hers hurt SO badly that she'd actually take the day off to be with me if Hubs couldn't make it just in case I have the same experience she did. FX that it won't be bad!

I've heard quite a few times from many different people that the cycle you have the HSG done seems to be extra fertile (b/c the dye clears everything out?) so I really hope the Metformin (and acupuncture? still skeptical)  will help me ovulate this month so that we'll have a chance this time without needing Clomid. My follow up appt with the RE is on April 25 so I assume at that point if I have not gotten my period and am not KU he will want to give me Provera to jumpstart the next cycle and then we'll start Clomid.

FX for clear tubes and ovulation this cycle! 

ONWARD AND UPWARD!
 

 

Can We All Agree?: Sushi Edition

Uh, here's a post that I wrote like 2 weeks ago and thought I posted but apparently never did! Whoops.  Things have changed since then - I'm concerned I will never be able to eat what I want to again now that I'm on Metformin. EVERYTHING is upsetting my stomach :-(  I hope it gets better.



Hubs and I had sushi for dinner tonight.  Yum.
Can we all agree that sushi is one of the best foods on earth? I am living on it lately. If there's one silver lining to not being knocked up yet in all these months of trying, it's that I can still eat sushi.  

THE BEST PLACE EVER is this tiny little gross-looking-from-the-outside hole-in-the-wall joint about 10 mins from my house.  (Thank you yelp reviewers or we NEVER would have tried it!) 

That's about right.

ASIDE: Don't you love how tons of Japanese/Chinese restaurants are named things like: "Happy Sushi Yum Yum Time" or "Lucky Fun China Food Palace", etc.?

Whenever my hubby and I go for sushi, I'm pretty sure all the Japanese people who work there smirk and make fun of us in the backroom since it's pretty much our second home now. Too bad, I love it.  When I actually DO get knocked up and have to quit cold turkey I hope I don't get withdrawal symptoms and get all irritable and anxious and like, start sweating wasabi and purposely walking near people eating sushi while breathing  in deeply through my nose to take in the smell.
It's gonna be tough.

Acupuncture Review

So I tried acupuncture for the first time last week and went for a second session today. I still am not sure what I think. I guess I like it - it's pretty relaxing. But besides that, I have no idea if it will actually help with anything and am rather skeptical. (Let's hope I'm eating my words because of a BFP in a few weeks! One can dream...)

I opted to go to a place that does acupuncture in a community setting - aka: you are in a big room with up to 9 other ppl also laying in recliners with needles sticking out of them. It is WAY cheaper (like, $20 per session vs. $75-$100 per) and you get the exact same "results". It's all warm and cozy in there and smells good and has relaxing music and they give you tons of blankets and it's so quiet and you just take a nap while your qi supposedly balances (?)/restores (?) itself. Whatever, it's relaxing.

While laying there today, I came to the determination that I could probably get the same result from  low-impact yoga (most of the time you're in the same half-conscious state as the meditative/relaxation part of a yoga class) except I wouldn't have to deal with having 10-20 needles sticking out of my body, AND I would be getting exercise while I'm at it. Huh.
 
Regardless, I think I'll keep going once a week for now because why the heck not?! If there's an option to nap in the middle of the day, I'll take it!

First RE Appt Today

I had my first RE appt today!  It went well and was...enlightening. It also totally gave me the sense that with this appt, I just voluntarily hopped aboard a fast-moving train and there will really be no slowing down until I'm pregnant or if we happen to hit some sort of unavoidable roadblock. I guess I'm just gonna hang on and hope for the best.

Warning: This is probably going to be a SUPER long post because A) I want to write things down before I forget in case I want to review it and B) I want to provide details in the off-chance that someone reading this who is in a similar situation might actually get something from it!

So here's what happened today:
Hubby & I had a good discussion with the RE and I got to ask all my questions (more about that in a minute). They drew blood to make sure I'm not a carrier for cystic fibrosis and SMA (? I can't remember what that is).  They also tested something with my liver to make sure my body can handle Metformin. As long as the b/w results are good I will be starting Metformin (extended release) tomorrow night. The plan is to start with one 750mg pill every night before bed and once my body is used to that dose (he said it would likely take a few weeks) I'll add a 2nd pill each night so it'll be 1500mg/day every day, through (at the VERY least) 10 weeks into my pregnancy since he said it cuts down the chances of early miscarriage. I also will be having my HSG next week on either Tues or Wed so that we can make sure my tubes are clear and my uterus is shaped correctly. (It ended up being a very good thing that I timed the most recent dose of Provera to make sure I was only a couple days into my cycle at this point so that we can get the HSG done now instead of wasting another 2+ months until I can be at the beginning of my cycle again.)  I'll also have a pelvic exam and ultrasound to determine just how cystfull (totally a word) my ovaries are.  I think that's all that's scheduled for now. Once it's all done I will be going in to meet with him again in another 4-6 weeks and I will be starting Clomid shortly after that (more about that below).

The other big thing is that I will now be very focused on trying to lose weight since he said that my chances of becoming pregnant would increase dramatically with weight loss and that I should focus on getting my BMI into a healthy range.  I asked if the Metformin could help with that and he said if it does it would really just be because of appetite suppression and since the Met will almost undoubtedly give me diarrhea, I likely won't feel like eating as much or the same kinds of foods I have been. So that will be tough but I am motivated.

So here's some not great news: (And let me first preface this by saying that I really do trust that he knows his shit, understands the cutting edge research, and has proven success regarding his patients' pregnancy rates. He has stellar credentials and works at one of the top hospitals in the COUNTRY. His bedside manner is somewhat lacking but I don't mind if it means I am receiving great care. In spite of all that, I WAS surprised at some things he said and asked him many questions, and do not plan to just blindly follow exactly what he says without first doing some more research on my own.) Okay, so:

1. Apparently with PCOS, not only is it harder to get pregnant but my chances of miscarriage are greater as well. Direct quote: "The problem won't be GETTING you pregnant, it will be KEEPING you pregnant." Silly me, and I thought this was the hard part. Now I have something else to worry about.

2. He doesn't think depression and PCOS are really linked and that I should ask my PCP about it if I'm having a problem. He doesn't know if it's connected to my hormones and said if it IS, it would be due to increased progesterone but based on my charts, that doesn't really make sense when I look at my most depressive days (it looks to me like increased estrogen and/or LH and/or FSH cause it). So I don't know what's up there.  Hopefully eating better/exercising/losing weight will help. If is doesn't, I guess I'll go back to my incompetent PCP.

3. He puts zero stock in charting BBT, etc. and seems to think it is outdated.  I brought copies of my charts for him and he was completely uninterested. Charting over the past 10 mos was helpful in that I was able to confirm that I do NOT ovulate but other than that, now that I've 'graduated' to fertility medications, it seems like he thinks there is no need. (I plan to still chart while on meds even though my temps may be elevated, in order to see if I can still capture a temp shift to confirm O.)

4. He told me that he does not prescribe Metformin without also prescribing Clomid (except he did make the distinction that I need to take the Met alone for 6 weeks to get it fully into my system before starting the Clomid), because he says there is not much point and we'd just be wasting more time. He says it's proven time and again that the two work very well in conjunction with one another so that is the path he follows. I take it to mean that he takes a more aggressive approach to infertility than some other drs might. I guess that is not a problem for me.

5. The thing that MAY be a problem for me is that he does not think monitoring on the first dose of Clomid (i.e. CD3 & CD10 b/w and u/s) is necessary. (Note that he DOES monitor each dose after the first) The reason why he said he never does it is because the risks are SO rare that it's not necessary and in his thousands of patients, not ONE has ever had a problem. When I mentioned the risk of large and/or ruptured cysts he said that if I have a problem I will have pain so we will know something is not right and that the monitoring would not head that off. When I mentioned the risk of overstimulated follicles (i.e. too many follies and increased risk of multiples) he said having a lot of follies is what we WANT because I would have a higher chance of getting pregnant and that the risk of actually getting pregnant with multiples (esp. 3+) is very low anyway.  And when I mentioned uterine lining thinning he said that is really only a concern if you take about 12 rounds of Clomid which he would NEVER let happen, and that the generally accepted "limit" of 6 cycles among medical professionals is not truly a limit but just the consensus they came to based on the hard "limit" of 12.

So this was very surprising to me since I've been on The Bump for almost a year now and have seen it repeated time and time again that you "MUST BE MONITORED EACH AND EVERY TIME!!!".  After a year, that kind of got drilled into my head.  So I'm not sure what to think now.  Is this dr just extremely headstrong, has seen what works, has never had a patient with serious issues and so he is convinced that this is the best/right way to do it? He IS the professional... is he right and the women on TB are just overly afraid? I don't know. He DID say that if I really want to have the monitoring done (even though he made a point to restate that he finds it completely unnecessary) then we can do that. So that's good I guess.  I haven't made up my mind about it. He told me about some studies regarding this that I can take a look at and I will be doing some more researching on my own as well.  Thankfully, it's just the first dose that he finds no need to monitor so if it is taking a chance, it is only ONE chance, not every month. We'll see.

Okay, I think those are the main points.  HSG early next week, and I should be starting the Metformin tomorrow night! Let the diarrhea commence!

CD 85: bad, CD 1: good

Hmm. In the past, I've gotten my period (heavy) on the 3rd morning after the last Provera pill. However, today is the 4th day after the Rx and I only had a tiny bit of spotting early this afternoon then nothin'. Humph.  I would MUCH rather be on CD 1 than CD85 right now. I am still holding out hope that the floodgates will open tonight before I go to bed but time is getting short here. I don't like this...

Creepiest movie ever!  (Also, wicked gross, I know. Sorry.)

 

 UPDATE: Tues ended up officially being CD1 even though very light.  Yipee!

Mini-meltdown

I had a bit of a meltdown last night when Hubs and I crawled into bed. (I knew the positivity couldn't last!) It wasn't a TOTAL breakdown or anything, but I definitely started crying for no reason and blubbering to him about how "my hormones are all out of control and I go from being so happy one minute to miserable the next for NO reason and I'm fat but I can't make myself exercise or eat right and you keep bringing bad food into the house so I keep eating it and I'm so tired of TTC with nothing happening and I need new hobbies to get my mind off of TTC and I hate that we just watch TV every night and blah blah blah."  Ugh, poor Hubby.
He was AWESOME about it all though and let me just talk everything out and cry and he just hugged me, told me he loved me, and reassured me that it's not my fault and we just need to regulate my hormones and things will get better. I love him.

That obviously helped me feel better but I still don't feel "normal" today (I haven't felt normal for the better part of 10 months now) but I'm fighting the bad feelings minute by minute, hour by hour, like I always do now.  

Irony: I've always hated Eeyore

Depression is a funny thing - the analogy of the omnipresent black cloud following you really does seem accurate (only mine's more of a light to mid grey-colored cloud). My cloud is often at a safe distance but it's always there lurking in the background, weighing on me and following me around threatening to come closer. When it comes too close, it doesn't matter that I have a wonderful life and am blessed in numerous ways - it starts to envelop me and I end up walking around in a dull haze, either unfeeling or feeling TOO much and those are the worst days. It's a very hard thing to accurately describe or really even talk about. It's changed me.

While talking things out last night, I came up with the following actions that I think will help me (I like lists):

1. Join a gym again.  I need to exercise to get healthy and get the endorphins going which should hopefully give me a mood lift.  I used to love exercise and lately I avoid it like the plague.
2. Eat better. I need to lose weight. Supposedly, even a 10 lb weight loss could make me O naturally. One focus will be on cutting out most sugar & white flour.
3. Try to focus less on TTC.  Overall I've been keeping my distance from The Bump and will continue to do so because I find that it doesn't help me - it just makes me focus on it more.
4. Blog when I need to.  Writing really does help me feel better even if it makes for super depressing posts like this one (sorry about that).
5. Get a new hobby where I see & interact with people. This one's tough for me because I am not interested in much. Maybe I should look into volunteer opportunities in the area.  I work from home the majority of the time so I am alone a lot, and hubby and I don't really DO all that much (mostly due to his back pain) so I need to see more people and get out more.
6. And finally:

I mostly attribute the depressive feelings to my PCOS and I think that regulating my hormones (maybe with Metformin?) will probably make the biggest difference so I'm really looking forward to my RE appt this Thursday. However, I think I'm also highly affected by the seasons  ( how appropriate that the acronym for Seasonal Affective Disorder is "SAD") so it's like a perfect storm for me right now.  I do know that things will get better so I'm just taking it day by day/hour by hour.  This morning, I have been focusing on the fact that it is sunny out, I have my first acupuncture appt in an hour (it was rescheduled from yesterday due to the unexpected FOOT of snow - way-to-go, Meteorologists), and I have a plan!

Hubby's SA Today!

Hubby just left to drop off his sperm sample!  FX for good counts, motility, and morphology!  (I expect the volume should be just fine since the 'X's on my FF chart have been conspicuously absent for quite some time now...) The dr. said it's possible we could hear results as early as tomorrow but should be by Monday at the latest.   

Come on healthy sperm!!

UPDATE, 4pm: Results are back already and it looks like the swim team is in top notch condition!!  Volume, pH and Viscosity were all good; good count at 174mil (seems really high, no?) and motility at 90% (80% of those progressive)! [They said they don't test morphology right now since we're not planning IVF or anything in the near future.]

PHEW!  

So it looks like I'm the only screwed up one!  I can deal with that :-)

Feeling Hopeful!

I'm not quite sure why, but I'm really feeling hopeful for our next cycle!  I'm looking forward to getting my period in a few days (Provera pill 9/10 tonight), Hubby has his SA tomorrow, I have my first acupuncture appt on Friday, then we're meeting with the new RE the following Thursday! I'm just feeling like something's finally going to move on the TTC-front and it's nice to have some hope. I have faith that the RE will be able to help me regulate my hormones (whether that's with Metformin or something else I'm not sure yet), which I'm sure will help with the depression struggles, and hopefully I'll be able to have an HSG scheduled for this cycle too. I'm just feeling happy and positive about it all  today and I hope that feeling lasts!

Looky there: TWO positive posts in a row! Boom!

I love my coworkers

Previously, I hadn't planned to say anything to anyone at work about TTC until I was no longer able to hide a baby bump but I've been realizing that A)  that's just not realistic with what we may be facing medically and B) my food baby would probably mask any real baby bump for way longer than it should and if I want my coworkers to throw me one of those sad office-party showers someday then I better let them know it's actually a baby in there before my water breaks.

But yesterday at work, there happened to be a good opportunity to talk to three of my closest female coworkers (my supervisor, her boss, and the woman I work the most closely with), so I gave them the heads up that "hubs and I are TTC and it's not going very well so I'll probably have to go in for more and more appts coming up resulting in changes to my work schedule with very little advanced notice blah blah blah" (total verbal diarrhea) and they were AWESOME about it.  SO supportive and unexpectedly willing to share their own experiences for which I am so grateful.  

I found out that one of them struggled through NINE miscarriages, one of which was quite far along in the pregnancy.  And another one  shared that not only did she have to deal with a full-term loss (absolutely heart breaking) but that her youngest had been conceived through IVF! My heart really went out to these ladies and just talking about this helped us connect more deeply in a way we hadn't before.  I was so impressed and grateful that they were willing to share and it made me feel so supported. They let me know that they were once in my shoes and remember what an emotionally trying time it is, and that I could always come to them with any questions/anxiety/happiness/sadness. They reassured me that TTC is so much more important than my work schedule so I never need to worry, and that I will be a wonderful mother. They were just so much better than I could have imagined and I'm so glad I shared!  I just love my coworkers.

I must remember this whenever I have those inevitably horrific work days where I daydream about setting the place on fire.

Provera-induced genius!

I keep a notebook and pen on my nightstand because if I'm awake in the middle of the night and get an idea in my head, I have no hope of going back to sleep until I write it all down. Unfortunately, after writing it down I oftentimes will still spend hours thinking about it while laying in bed trying to ignore the chainsaw next to me (aka: my sleeping husband), since I seem to find myself so clever that I get all excited about my idea and can't go back to sleep anyway. Sigh.

Lately, Provera is not helping matters. I'm currently halfway through the Rx and it definitely affects my sleep (not to mention giving me some sweet hot flashes). My newest talent is waking up right at 2:30am and not getting back to sleep until it's almost light out, writing down oh-so-important notes to myself here and there until I finally stop thinking about it and conk out.  Most mornings I'll turn over and find that I wrote things like "email Sarah about laieruoid!" or "DON'T FORGET: Aeriowrp the foer!!!" But this morning, I rolled over and found a relatively comprehensive 5-page outline for a novel!  Ooookay. I totally forgot that last night I decided that my new profession is going to be "writer".  Silly me.  

After taking way longer than it should have to decipher all the chicken-scratch, I gotta say... it's actually kind of good! I really have no idea where this sudden inspiration came from, but DAMN I am creative in the middle of the night! Is it crazy that I'm thinking about actually writing it?  I've never written anything besides school papers and these blog posts but why the heck not, right? Maybe this can be my new like, decade-long project that I will probably just eventually give up on (since I am a master at starting projects and not finishing them), or maybe lil ol' me could actually write a book someday!  Weird.  

If this is what comes from 5 days of Provera, imagine what LSD could do for me! Hmmm...

"All the flowers would have extraordinary powers..."

TTC when you have all single friends

Apparently I'm the kind of person (that everyone likely hates) who forms a new group of friends at every major new stage of life and loses touch with all the old ones. I wonder if it's a result of changing high schools when I was younger - your teenage years are so formative and when you are forced to make a new group of friends during that insecure and tumultuous time, maybe that establishes itself as a "norm" for you moving forward? Or, (as crappy as it sounds to say this) maybe I just haven't really made any "quality" friends that are worth keeping in touch with? Or maybe I just am a sucky friend. Who knows. 
 
What I DO know is that I have lost touch with almost all my college and HS friends (except for Facebook of course because where would the world be without silently stalking the lives of people you used to know and comparing yourself to them?) and although I'm not losing sleep over it, I now happen to find myself surrounded by a close group of girlfriends who are all older than me (some much older), unmarried, and childless, most with no plans to ever have children. 

I do have one close girlfriend who is about my age but she and her fiance recently moved away for work. They were our fun "couples friends" so I am very bummed that now we will only see them a handful of times a year.  She is the only one of my friends who is in a similar situation as me and now she's far away. Sad face. 

Don't get me wrong - I love my girlfriends, but we are just in such a different place in our lives that even though it used to not be an issue, it's starting to make a difference to me now that my priorities are changing. I'm not sure if they can feel it too or if it's all in my head, but things are just different. I don't feel like I can really talk to them about any TTC stuff which is hard because it has become a very important part of my life and I used to be able to tell them anything!  I already wrote about one instance of unintentional insensitivity (clicky - sorry, I realize it's pretty douchey and totally narcissistic to link to another post on my own blog), but there have been others things that have happened too.  I know they don't do it on purpose but they just can't relate to what I'm going through and I find it's creating a divide for me.

For example, a little while ago we all met for dinner after work. One of them was telling a story about her coworkers and said something to the effect of: "well, they're all married with kids anyway so they're probably just jealous of me since I have a life and they have all lost their identities and are completely boring since the only thing they have to talk about now are their kids."  Uhhh, what?
One of my other friends looked at me sort of apologetically then but most of them just sort of nodded in agreement and continued with the discussion, completely oblivious. Another friend did notice the look and said to me (trying to be helpful I guess): "That's why we're happy you don't have kids yet! You're still fun!"  Uhhh, thanks? WTF kind of back-handed "compliment" is that?  First, am I supposed to be happy you think I'm fun even though that also means that you are all apparently going to think I'm boring once I have kids and won't be interested in hearing about them?  And second, thank you oh-so-much for saying you are HAPPY I don't have a child yet even though you know we have been TTC for a while. That makes me feel great. 

They obviously weren't trying to make me feel bad and I'm trying to focus on not being oversensitive (maybe it was a joke?) but that kind of sucked.  I went to the bathroom then and have to assume they talked about me while I was gone since there was a lull in conversation when I got back to the table and the more sensitive friend who had looked at me apologetically asked me how everything was going and if there were any updates from the doctor, etc.  At that point I totally did NOT feel like I had a supportive environment in which to share my feelings so I just shrugged and said that I didn't really feel like talking about that tonight.

Since then, I haven't had all that much communication with them. I haven't reached out and they haven't reached out to me.  Sigh. C'est la vie.  NOW, I'm sort of wishing I had stayed in touch with some old friends too, since we're the same age and many of them are married, have babies or are pregnant. (However, I could also picture that if the opposite were true and all my friends were KU and had babies and I was the one having trouble TTC that that might suck even more! Hmmm...) I just hope that when I do get pregnant (and especially when I have a baby) that I'll be able to meet some new people who are in a similar situation as me.  It's not like I want to just throw away my current group of friends - I love them, but it would just be nice to feel like I can relate more closely to someone else again instead of feeling more and more like an outsider.