Can We All Agree?: IF Edition

I have no idea where I found this quote, but can we all agree that it is pretty clever and completely accurate?:

 "Infertility is like having ice cream in the freezer: even though it’s something that can be easily hidden from the world, locked behind a sealed door and your own anxious mind, just knowing it’s there can drive you to the brink of madness."

Mmm, now I want cookies 'n cream ice cream.

Yoo hoo, CD1...?

Where the hell are you?!  It's 15DPO (CD42) and I just want this cycle to end.  My temp is dropping, my back is killing me and I have bad cramps. I think this period's gonna be a doozy but I would like to just get to it already so that I can move on to the next cycle.  I was all excited that I was FINALLY in a 2WW, but once in it, I realized just how long a 15+ day LP truly is when you already know you're not pregnant.

Regarding my last post: I made an appointment to talk with a therapist.  It's not until next Friday unfortunately but at least it's scheduled. Hubs was gone most of this week for work (coming home tonight) and I'm happy to say that the week was okay for me. Honestly, that's probably just because I distracted myself though. I stayed away from TB and barely thought about anything related to TTC (besides taking my temp and an HPT first thing each morning). Instead, I worked a lot, finally finished my scrapbook that I've been putting off for years, and watched season 1 of Game of Thrones. Yes, the entire season.  (It is awesome.)  

I did start thinking about IF-related stuff this morning and, of course, got all weepy and emotional again.  Maybe the key to my sanity is just sheer avoidance. That's probably not too healthy (or sustainable) though so hopefully talking with the therapist will help.

I just want to say a sincere thank you to every one of you who has taken the time to comment on my blog. You wonderful ladies really help me - more than you know. It makes me feel like I'm not alone and not crazy even when I'm at my worst.  Big thanks and hugs especially to JayTee & CC for checking in with me on FB too.  I am so grateful I have you guys in my life (even if it's only virtually!). The support is so appreciated. <3

I feel fragile.

I feel like I could just break apart at any moment. I hate feeling like this. It's not me.  I've always prided myself on being strong, confident and independent.  Now I feel weak and needy, unsure and apprehensive. I'm afraid to move forward and I'm afraid to stand still. I am not in a good place right now.

On Sunday night I had a meltdown that came out of nowhere.  I had been catching up on TTGP before bed and I got sucked into a thread perpetuated by some stupid troll who was admittedly just trying to rile people up. I'm pissed at myself that even though I knew it I still let her get to me. The comment that did it was something to the effect of: "At least I already have a child while some of you are trying desperately just to have one."  Obviously this person is a complete piece of shit for saying that and maybe karma will bite her ass someday but I think it was the word "desperate" in that sentence that did it.  She's right. I am trying desperately to have a child.  She has no idea just how desperate I truly feel and I loathe the fact that she has the ability to just throw that word out there in such a cavalier way since she has never had to struggle like this. The fact that this awful person is able to be blissfully ignorant of the mental anguish we deal with every minute of every day when struggling with infertility just made me feel incredibly sad.

After reading that (and giving her a great big "GFY" of course) I went upstairs to get ready for bed. DH could tell immediately that I was upset so he sat down to talk with me. I don't even remember what I said. I just remember talking and him listening and being supportive and hugging me. We cuddled and went to bed. The meltdown came in the middle of the night.  I have been having a hard time sleeping lately because I'll wake up to roll over and all at once my thoughts and anxieties come rushing in and I can't get back to sleep. I lay there awake and upset with my head a jumbled mess and around 4:30ish, will eventually drift off into a fitful half-sleep until the alarm goes off.  It blows.  That night, DH must have been on high alert because I didn't think I even made a sound but he woke up almost immediately and asked me what was wrong. He was so sweet that I just started bawling.

I feel guilty that I'm not being a partner to my husband right now. Instead, I feel like he's taking care of me and that's not fair to him. I've been leaning on him so much lately. He has blown me away with his support and understanding and is truly my rock but I'm disappointed in myself for being so needy. He left for San Francisco today for work and won't be home until late Friday night. I'm legit afraid that I will be slobbery crying mess all week without having him here to talk to. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

This is all so much harder than I thought it would be. IF is changing me. I feel like all my energy goes into putting up an acceptable facade so the outside world thinks everything's okay while I'm left feeling like an empty shell of my former self. Lately I struggle to even find words for how I feel and my head is like a jumbled mess.

As my wise friend Jaytee put on her blog that I stalk like crazy: 

I'm not okay right now.  I'm admitting it. 

I think I should talk to a therapist.  I have never done that before but I think maybe it could help me at least straighten out my thoughts and possibly get some new perspective.  I also think I should take a Bump-cation to help keep TTC from taking over my life.  I spend way too much time thinking about it and TB contributes to that. I need to find more of a balance.

Because of this I may be around less lately but I do plan to keep blogging since I think it helps keep me (sort-of) sane :-) 

10DPO - BFNs

I figured I should post a quick update since my last post seemed kind of promising.  Since then, I've been testing each morning and they are definite BFNs so far.  My temps are still up there (about 98.25 both today and yesterday) but certainly no hint of a second line on the Wondfos.  I'm coming to terms with the fact that even though today's only 10DPO, it's pretty unlikely I'm KU this cycle. I know I'm not out until AF shows so I'll keep testing every couple of days until then but I don't have high hopes at this point.

This cycle was a total mind fuck and took me off my "game". I almost wish I hadn't even O'd since, before this happened I knew how to feel.  I had accepted the reality of our situation, knew the path we were going to follow, and was ready to move forward. Now my feelings are all over the place. I'm apprehensive and unsure about everything. I'm just tired mentally and don't want to start over again. It feels like we're back at square one.  Realistically I know that's not true so I'm trying to get in a better mindframe about it but right now it's difficult.

The 2WW is officially messing with my mind

Check out my temp rise today:

Yesterday I had sharp pulling pains in my ute-area, was exhausted all day for no apparent reason, and my boobs have been sore for more than a week.  This is totally fucking with my head. I can't stop thinking about peeing on a stick. Logically I know I should wait until at LEAST Sunday at 10PDO but I might just test tomorrow even though it's early so I can shut my brain up.  Once I see that BFN I'll calm down and wait to test again until next Tuesday (my planned test day) if AF hasn't shown by then.

Now I understand why people hate the 2WW! I am trying to temper my hopes because they are currently sky-high which is super dangerous since I'm likely just setting myself up for serious disappointment.

EDIT: Wow, I totally just forced you into a chart-stalk. Sorry about that.  See? I'm nutso right now!

New plan: Femara/Letrozole

The nurse called back to tell me that the RE's official recommendation is indeed for us to continue with our IVF plan next cycle. I was very transparent with her about my concerns and thankfully, she was understanding and said that if we really did not feel comfortable then Letrozole is definitely still an option. That made me feel better.

So Hubs and I talked it over and decided that if this cycle is a BFN we are going to try a round of Femara/Letrozole + Trigger + TI. I just really don't feel comfortable going straight into IVF now that I've learned my body is actually capable of ovulating. In a way I feel like I owe it to myself to at least give my body one more chance to act "normally".  If I have no response at all then I think I'll feel okay proceeding with IVF at that point. If I do respond then we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. The nurse confirmed that pushing off the procedure for even 3 months wouldn't make a difference insurance-/authorization-wise so that sort of sealed the deal for us. I feel much better about this plan. Hopefully though, I'll get a BFP and won't even need to worry about this!! (Am I jinxing myself writing that?)

Many thanks to all the wonderful ladies of 3TC who gave opinions on my situation and told me to trust my gut! That really helped.

IVF is still the plan? Really?

So I just got off the phone with my favorite nurse to confirm with her that I definitely O'd and am currently 5DPO. I was calling because I wanted to know if I needed 7DPO bloodwork to check progesterone (I have never had this done since I have never O'd before). She said that's "not something they normally have done so it's not necessary, and particularly not with IVF patients".

I have 2 issues with this: 

(1) Doesn't 7DPO b/w test progesterone levels to ensure I had a strong O and have enough prog to support a pregnancy if I happen to get a BFP?  The RE already told me that miscarriage is more common among PCOS patients so if prog levels are a problem for me, isn't that something they'd want to know sooner (at 7DPO) rather than later (after already getting a BFP) so we'll know if I need prog suppositories?

(2) I am still classified as an IVF patient to them. They were shocked to hear that I O'd and the nurse called it "abnormal" multiple times. She really just seemed kind of dismissive (and maybe sort of confused?) about the fact I O'd and said that since it was abnormal and happened so long after when I should have O'd with the Clomid, that the Clomid did not actually work for me and this likely won't change anything about our IVF plan next cycle.

What?!?  Uhhh...I ovulated.   Even though it was later than expected, this means that I actually DO have the ability to O!  If I get a BFN this cycle, I just assumed that we'd do another cycle of 150mg Clomid + trigger + TI (or maybe IUI?) next cycle since we now know that it's possible even if it didn't happen during the "normal" timeframe.

I had been thinking that this was a total game-changer but I got the impression that the only way it matters in their eyes is if I get a BFP and it sticks. Otherwise, it doesn't change anything and "IVF is still my best chance of getting pregnant".  I asked the nurse to talk with the RE about the situation and see what his official recommendation is for next cycle.  If he is firm about moving forward with IVF I'm not sure how I feel about that. At this point I think I'd rather try Clomid one more time to see if I have a response.  I need to talk to DH about that though to see what he thinks. We'll have to decide quickly because if I get a BFN, the plan is for me to start the month of BCPs as soon as I get my period. 

However, if both Hubs and I are firm about wanting to postpone IVF and the RE wants to proceed as scheduled, I am thinking I might need to seek a second opinion.  Yuck.

THE BIG O!!!

No, not 'orgasm' (I don't even care about that lately) - OVULATION!  I FREAKIN' OVULATED!!!!!1!!!!!!1!1!!eleventy!!

I believe this calls for a little Carlton:

I am so so happy.  I just can't believe it based on how this cycle started out!
Today was the first day that my temp was elevated and OPKs went back to negative so I'm pretty sure I O'd last night.  If that's the case, Hubs and I hit O-1, O, O+1 so we definitely have a chance! YAHOOOO!!!

And now I start my first ever 2WW.  :-D

 (Tomorrow's temp better stay high otherwise I'm gonna really regret this post, haha)

In a holding pattern

I talked to the nurse. She said no ultrasound needed because at this point we're not going to learn anything more than we already know: I have mature follies that are giving off LH.  She said now that I have a +OPK it's too late for the trigger shot anyway so I'm just going to have to wait it out (and hump it out!) with my fingers crossed. So I guess it's back to more waiting. 

She also said that it's possible the Clomid did work.  Clomid can delay O so maybe it just REALLY delayed it for me.  She said that if so, this is the latest in a cycle that she's ever see it work but that doesn't mean it's not possible.

This has really thrown me for a loop and is making me second-guess our IVF plan.  I am, of course, hoping that I actually O in the next day or two but if that happens, I have no idea where that leaves us for next cycle.

As some of my IDOB girls would say: Uffda.

Soooo...this happened today:

If only this was an HPT...

Yeah... Now I don't know WHAT to think!  We had put this cycle behind us and were content just waiting it out until the insurance authorization came in, then I'd take more Provera and we'd venture on into IVF territory.  

Now we're back to hoping and humping and temping and peeing on sticks.  I swear, my body just likes to play games with me; "Oh, you think I'm going to let you relax and NOT have to focus on IF & TTC for a few weeks?  NOPE! Muahaha!"

After the abject failure that was my monitoring ultrasounds earlier this cycle, I had completely stopped temping and thinking about things.  However, I tested on a whim when I got home from work because I'd been noticing a lot more CM than usual the past two days so I was suspicious.  Lo and behold - smiley face!

Granted, this could mean absolutely nothing since, with previous non-medicated cycles I would gear up to O multiple times per cycle but never actually O. Maybe this is just another, final, cruel joke before we move on to ART.

OR, maybe this will be a game-changer.  Since it's CD26 I highly doubt it's the meds finally kicking into gear and having an effect at this point, so if I actually O it would be on my own for the first time ever and that would be HUGE and would likely make us rethink our IVF plan.

I'll see what my temp does tomorrow but regardless I think I'm going to get up early, call my RE the minute the office opens, and see if I can run in for an u/s. If I actually have mature follies in there, it's possible I might poop myself with excitement.

Moving forward!

So I guess I've come to terms with our plan. I'm feeling better. DH and I talked a lot about it and firmly decided that we want to move forward with IVF.  (I'll spare you all the boring and emotional details of this decision.)  Now that I've gotten past the hesitation, it is full steam ahead!

I called the nurse back today and told her our decision. She gave me about 4 paperwork/referral/insurance type things to do right off the bat which I took care of today so we can get this show on the road.  She estimates that the authorization will take about 2 weeks to go through so we're holding off on starting a new cycle until that point. [Okay, so maybe it's not totally full steam ahead...more like hurry up and wait some more. That's okay though.] 

Once the procedure is authorized, I'll have b/w to confirm I'm not KU, take more Provera to start a new cycle, and start the 1 month of BCPs. After shooting myself up with lots o' meds, if all goes according to plan and my follies actually grow (FX!) the official egg retrieval (ER) will likely end up being in late October.  After all these months with zero chance, it is AMAZING to think that by this November, I could possibly be pregnant.  Wow.

Next Stop: IVF

I remember blogging about my first visit with the RE and writing that it felt like I had just voluntarily hopped aboard a fast-moving train and it wouldn't stop until I was KU or hit the end of the line. Well, it looks as though ours is the supersonic train since we are now quickly approaching the last stop: IVF.

All aboard the infertility train! Toot Toot!

Hubs and I met with the RE this morning and he flat out told us that IVF would be our best bet to get pregnant. He did not think Femara/Letrozole would be effective and we'd just waste more time and money while putting our future baby at risk of birth defects. (He does not really trust it either because using it for ovulation-induction is an off-label use and is not FDA approved. Hubs is very concerned about this too - much more so than I am.)  The RE does not want to do an inject cycle because "with the state of my ovaries, he can almost guarantee I will overstimulate" which would be more time and money wasted along with adverse health risks.  Therefore,  he suggests IVF as the best course of action for us.

This is a lot for me to take in.  As I wrote in my last post, even though I would tell myself IF could happen to anyone, I never truly thought it would be me/us. I always thought of IVF as some procedure that other people sadly had to go through in order to get KU, and that was totally fine, but that it would never come to that for us. Well, it seems it's come to that.

Above all, I am thanking my lucky stars that we have IF insurance coverage (that's a large part of why I stayed at this job with the awful commute and low salary) so that IVF is actually a feasible option financially. I also feel relieved that neither Hubby nor I feel any kind of moral or ethical opposition to Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) and are on the same page there.

I just have so many emotions: I'm sad, guilty, scared, anxious, worried, excited, hopeful, disappointed... This is just not how I pictured it. This is not the way we envisioned starting our family.  But in the broad scheme of things, if we end up with a baby in our arms at the end of all this, will it really matter to us how we got here?

Time for a new plan.

I don't know what the plan will be yet but I'll find out on Thursday morning at my consult with the RE.  

Today was the nail in the coffin on this cycle - it's CD17 and I went in this AM for another follicle scan. Nada.  No growth, no response.  No more Clomid for me.

My assumption had been that we'd just swap out Clomid for Femara and see what happens (so I figured it would be Femara/Letrozole + trigger + TI) but the nurse told me that my doctor does not like prescribing Letrozole. Uhhh, why?  She was totally elusive about it which was sort of annoying but I gathered it's something about former studies that had been done showing a link between Letrozole & breast cancer.  I asked her what my options are if he doesn't want to prescribe Letrozole/Femara and she said that it's possible he could suggest injects (Gonal-F) but in the past with other women in this position, he's also suggested going straight to IVF.  WHAT?!  I am not mentally prepared for thinking about IVF.  I've been feeling like we are still in the beginning stages of IF treatment and IVF always felt sooooo far away!

Warning, heavy part of post:
I honestly never truly thought I'd be in this position.  I know other women who have gone through this but I never really thought I'd be one of them.  I gave lip-service to comments like "oh, it could be any one of us", etc. etc. but in my heart and unconscious mind I guess I always just thought that even if it took a little more time, in the end it would all work out okay for me.  Today I realized that may not be the case.  Today was the first day it really hit me that it's actually possible I may never be able to conceive a child, grow it within my body, carry it to term, give birth, and hold MY baby - my own flesh and blood-  in my arms. That is an unbelievably shitty realization.

Until now I'd had a hard time giving myself the infertility label.  Today I know it's true. 

When life gives you lemons...sometimes you just have to eat the damn lemons.

Ultrasound results

Not good news, I'm afraid. This morning's ultrasound showed no follie growth, just a bunch more tiny little ones in both ovaries (thanks, PCOS!).  Apparently all the ovary pain, cramping, bloating and achiness the last couple of days are not a result of maturing follies like I had hoped, just more tiny little cysts clogging up my ovaries and not doing anything useful.

I'll be going in again on Monday AM for another u/s. The nurse said that because that will be CD17, unless there is some crazy miraculous growth over the weekend, this cycle will be cancelled as well and my next step will be meeting with the RE again to make a new plan.  My assumption is that we'll switch to Femara + Trigger + TI, but we'll see.

I was really sad when I got those results this morning. I cried most the the way home and then lost it again when I walked in the door and saw my husband's expression fall the moment he looked at me. I feel so bad that my body is failing him too, and I'm helpless to do anything about it despite my efforts.

I just want one win. One tiny little win. 14 months of waiting and constant disappointment is beginning to wear me down.