Sad and Annoyed

As you probably deduced by my blog post title, I am sad and annoyed.

This was my first medicated cycle (50mg Clomid + timed intercourse) and it appears it was a bust. Today is CD21 and I have not O'd.  I am sad.

The reason I am annoyed is because of my stupid RE not monitoring this cycle. And I'm annoyed with myself too since I knew better because of everything I've learned on TB. I should have pushed my RE to monitor even though he finds it to be "completely unnecessary during the first Clomid cycle since it will either work or it won't".  Well, apparently it won't, and since there was no monitoring I don't know if I had zero response or if it almost worked but couldn't quite get there so maybe (due to the cumulative effect of Clomid) another 50mg next cycle will be all I need to O and 100mg would be overkill. I would think this would be important info that the RE would want to have, no? Frustrating. I feel like I wasted a chance for more info and that was stupid of me and stupid of him IMO.

Here's the other annoyance: I'm pretty sure I have a cyst on my right ovary. However, since there was no mid-cycle u/s, I wouldn't know.  I've had ovary pain & cramping since CD10 (day after last pill) and it hasn't stopped. I can actually FEEL my right ovary.  Me thinks that is not good. The pain is pretty dull so I haven't been worried yet but it hasn't gone away or lessened over the last 2 weeks so that bums me out because I'm worried I'm going to be benched next cycle and have to take BCPs until the cyst goes down.

I'm supposed to call the RE's office on CD24 since I haven't O'd (confirmed by neg OPKs and low temps) so I'm interested to hear the plan for next steps. I know I definitely need an u/s to check out righty and that better be the first thing out of his mouth or I might have to think about whether this is the right RE for me.  Thankfully, he did say during our last appt that he does do full monitoring for every clomid cycle after the first so I'll definitely be ensuring that that happens (CD3 b/w & u/s, mid-cycle u/s to check follies, and b/w to check progesterone 7DPO assuming I O sometime in this century).

Whew - I feel better now that I got that off my chest. I've been avoiding TB check-ins over the past couple weeks and even my own BLOG! (ridiculous!) because I knew it would be obvious I was not being properly monitored and I didn't want to hear it from any of you helpful ladies who know better because I'm apparently a child.  I'm mad at myself for not pushing the RE and advocating for myself. I was worried that if I did that I'd be viewed as a high maintenance or pushy patient and didn't want the RE or nurses to be frustrated/annoyed with me. Dumb.

So with this waste of a cycle, it brings me full 'round to close out the first craptastic year of TTC: A year in which I did not O even ONCE and had exactly zero % chance of making a baby despite all our efforts.

Hmm, this is not a very good mindframe to start my day. So instead, I leave you with this:

So close! Haha

Seriously?

So today my father in law told me to" stop being so selfish and give [him] a grandchild already". Awesome. I seriously do not know how I didn't A) punch him in the face or B) burst into tears. Ugh, SO frustrating.  

We haven't told him about our trouble TTC (for multiple reasons) so he apparently thought he was being funny but no, that was not funny.  I really wish he would STFU about us getting pregnant. He brings it up every time we see him (which, thankfully is not all that often) and posts on my FB wall all the time about it even when it has nothing to do with anything. Example: One of my friends posted a video of a bunch of little puppies on my FB wall and my FIL commented saying "So cute!  You know what would be cuter? If it was a video of your baby!  WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET PREGNANT???" And 5 different people "liked" it.  Again, awesome. Oh how I wish I could block him...  

He's not the only one who posts shit like that either.  I just never respond to any it and hope people will catch on eventually.  We get the hint people; you want us to have a baby. So do we.  Now get off my back. 
Or am I being "selfish"?

 

Waterworks

DAMN, I've been crying a lot lately.  I would say my face has been blotchy and puffed up more often than not over the majority of the last 4 days.   

Overwhelmed and/or frustrated with work?  Cry.  
National Anthem being sung at the start of the Bruins game? Cry. 
Hubby says something unexpectedly sweet and thoughtful? Cry. 
Reading another bumpie's IF blog? Serious waterworks. 
News coverage of the tornado in Oklahoma?  SOBBING. 

Hubs has started to just ignore me now and I can't say I blame him. Every time he turns around I'm crying again - and usually for NO reason. Today I made a special out-of-the-way trip to Wendy's because I was totally craving a chicken apple pecan salad and when they told me they were out of salads I damn near lost it again.  This is getting ridiculous. I'm kind of worried to go back into the office again this week for fear of making a huge ass of myself.

It wouldn't be so bad if I looked like this when I cry:

Unfortunately, I'm like the Claire Danes of crying:

Claire Danes: Ugliest crier on TV (Homeland rocks though)

Clomid side effects

So far, so good with the Clomid side effects. My last dose is today and I'm thankful that so far things have been pretty good. A couple headaches and a handful of hot flashes is nothing compared to what I thought I'd be experiencing this week. However, during the rest of this cycle and when (if!) I have to take more Clomid/a higher dose of it, I should probably repeat the following to myself like a mantra:

There is no reason for me to get irrationally angry or overly emotional and break into tears because;

• I couldn't remember where I left my book
• Bugs exist
• A commercial was loud
• The elastic on my underwear folded over and felt uncomfortable
• My computer took a while to load  
• The dog barks sometimes

Okay, so maybe I'm having a few side effects. 

Also, two of my best friends got married (to each other) last night and let me just say it was a good thing I was wearing waterproof eye makeup.  Glad I thought of that one in advance.

Can We All Agree?: Gaga Edition

So according to Rolling Stone, Elton John and his husband have named Lady Gaga as their baby son's godmother. She is already godmother to their older son.  Elton reportedly said that Lady Gaga is "a great role model".  Uhhh, really?

Can we all agree that Lady Gaga just might be the strangest possible choice as godmother for your child? 

Listen, Elton; just because someone shares your affinity for crazy ass outfits does not mean s/he is the best choice to be the spiritual role model for your children and raise them in the event of your death. 

Let's check out some reasons why not:

Even Eminem is scared of her.

I'm afraid she might poke the kids eyes out.

Mmm, not so religious.

Might be the love child of Freddy Kruger & the Phantom of the Opera

Hey, maybe this is why the kids like her:

She's a human-sized action figurine!

Built-in toys!

Maybe the kids love the Sesame St martians as much as I did...

Kids love bubbles!

Yip yip yip yip uh huh uh huh

Floodgates are open!

 

Yahoo!

(Don't you just love reading every little thing about my bodily functions?)

Clomid begins on Wednesday!

Mother's Day next year

CD60. 
Still waiting. Nothing much going on.  The hot flashes have stopped at least! Hurrah! Honestly I've been SWAMPED at work lately so TTC hasn't even been on my mind. Hoping I get my period soon though...

So here's a cute little tidbit: Hubs and I were talking about plans for Mother's Day this weekend and out of the blue he said "Next Mother's Day we'll be celebrating for you! I know it. You're going to be a Mom at this time next year."  I won't lie - it made me tear up a little.  Granted, he has no idea what he's talking about since neither of us can predict the future but whatever. I'm going to choose to believe him.

What say you, Miss Cleo? "The cards don lie honay"

CD57: Just waitin' to bleed

I finished the Provera Rx yesterday so now I'm just waiting to bleed so I can start the Clomid on CD5!

This time I took the 10mg pills for 5 days instead of the 5mg pills for 10 days.  I always take it before bed so that I can sleep through the side effects but that didn't really work this time since the hot flashes and subsequent sweating woke me up multiple times a night for the past 4 nights.  It felt like I was laying in a bed of fire.  I'm sure my hubby loved all the exasperated huffing and cover-throwing coming from me the last few nights. Still better than feeling like that while at work though! And I do like that the Rx only took half the time.  

Now I'm just keeping my FX that I get a period since the beginning of this cycle started with 18 days of bleeding. Technically, that ended a full month ago now though so hopefully my lining has built back up in that time.  We'll see!

I've got a plan! (It's name is Clomid)

Hubby and I met with the RE today for a follow up appt since I have now finished all my diagnostic testing. He said everything looks great, we just need to get me ovulating!
He gave me a Rx for more Provera (10mg for 5 days instead of the 5mg for 10 days like I'd been taking every other cycle), I took a HPT to confirm what I already knew (NOT pregnant), and I'll start the Rx tonight. I should expect my period sometime between next Thursday and the following Monday (5/13) and then I'll be starting 50 mg Clomid days 5-9 of the new cycle! I am praying I respond to the 50mg.

When we left the RE's today, my hubby gave me a big hug and was so pumped. I wasn't. I don't really know why though. Those exclamation points I wrote up there in the first paragraph are total lies. I should probably be happy and relieved that the only problem we seem to have (fingers crossed)  is that I don't O....right? Then why do I feel so numb about it? Why do I sort of feel like crying?

Maybe it's that I can't lie to myself anymore. Maybe it's that the whole infertility thing is real now.  I now have a medication sitting on my counter with paperwork that says it's use is "to treat infertility in women".  I guess I'm finally admitting to myself that I am dealing with infertility. For almost a year now I've just told myself that my hormones need to be regulated - that's all! Or, that we were just going through "testing" - Testing is easy!  But now I'm officially in the treatment phase. 
I don't know, it seems sort of stupid typing it all out. I guess it's just something I have to wrap my head around...

Rationally, I know it isn't a big deal - I'm just taking some pills and going to some monitoring appointments. There's no injections, no IUI or IVF, we're just doing timed intercourse.  There are so many women who are so much further along in this journey who would probably equate Clomid + TI to taking a break! It's not the action of actually taking the meds that is getting to me, it's what it signifies;

Brutal honesty? I'm scared. I am really scared that it isn't going to work - not this 1st round of Clomid specifically, but trying to treat my infertility in general. I am scared that I am now about to take the first official step that is going to lead me down a path that could end in NEVER being able to get pregnant.  I've seen it before - with BOTH of my sisters (one is CFNBC, one with SIF).  I am scared to death that it's going to happen to me too.  

However, there is no reason to think that way. I've already passed many of the hurdles my sisters faced that took them out of the running and I'm still going. Like some of the ladies on TB have said; "another woman's fertility has no effect on your own."  That's true. Granted, in this case we share genes, but that still doesn't mean that because they can't get pregnant (/get PG again) that I won't be able to have children.  Only time will tell, I guess.  In the meantime I will focus on the fact that I have had almost all good news so far. 
I have a plan, and I'm moving forward.  Wish me luck!