Depression from PCOS?

I am a MESS when not taking birth control pills. Seriously, I am having issues when left to my own devices since my body seems incapable of regulating hormones by itself. While laying in bed last night not sleeping (again), I came to the conclusion that I'm pretty sure I am fighting depression. I don't think it's full-blown depression but something definitely is not quite right. I kept telling myself that it's just that I've been slightly obsessed with TTC and was focusing on that so much that it's trumped everything else, but it's more than that. It's like I'm beginning to not really feel like a whole person much anymore and I just sort of float around in a dull haze with no preferences for anything. I'm not sad and crying or anything but haven't exactly been happy either. I just feel sort of numb. For the last month-ish especially, the days have sort of all meshed together into one insignificant lump but I don't care. Perhaps this is the real reason I have been a shitty worker lately.

Today at work while entering into a conversation with someone, I realized I was actually giving myself a pep talk that went a little something like this: 

"Oh, she's coming over. I guess I need to talk to this person now. Okay, just act normal. Everything is normal.  Oh - she's talking. Pay attention. Nod. Yes, that's good. You look toooootally normal."

Who does that?!!  I certainly never have before.  I am usually very personable and outgoing and have never been one to analyze my every word and action!  I am normally quick-witted with snappy comebacks and lately I can barely even seem to hold a conversation with anyone other than my husband. This all feels very weird to me and I don't like it. 

I did google depression a little tonight (will do more tomorrow) and I think I am going to start forcing myself to exercise more even though I REALLY don't feel like it. Hopefully that will help. Other suggestions I read: Vitamin B-6, calcium, magnesium, Vitamin E, tryptophan, evening primrose oil and chaste tree berry. We'll see what else I find.
 
I obviously need to do a ton more research but even just realizing that this might be what's going on is a bit of a relief.  I am aware that depression can be linked to PCOS so maybe this is valid and I should talk to my doctor.  I would not be surprised if Metformin is in my near future because of the PCOS - I wonder if that would also help with depression?

For your viewing pleasure, here are some apropos drawings by Hyperbole and a Half (love!):

Work productivity < TTC

I have become such a shitty worker ever since we started TTC.  I used to care. I just don't anymore.  I am so distracted now, and it doesn't help that I work from home 3 out of 5 days of the week because that means I can just sit on my laptop blogging, checking the bump and googling things without worrying that anyone's looking over my shoulder noticing that I haven't done any work in about 3 hours.  This morning I watched Sunday's DVR'd episode of Downton Abbey while "working".

 Here is a spot-on comic by The Oatmeal (love!) about why working from home is both awesome and horrible:  

Click this, it's funny

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE the fact that I telecommute part time. It is simply fabulous since my commute is horrendous (I live and work in different states), and I worked my butt off to A) get to a position which enables me to not have to physically be in the office to get my work done, and B) earn the management's trust and respect so they believe I won't slack off when I'm not there. Whoops.  

I'm starting to get round like Cartman too

 It hasn't always been like this. I've been telecommuting  for a couple years now and was previously always very conscientious and responsible! But now that I have other things on my mind I just don't care as much as I used to.  Now I would much rather pretend to work while laying on the couch in my PJs eating cheesy poofs and focusing on my growing obsession with getting KU. There's a lot to google, people!


Hopefully it's just a phase and I'll either stop thinking about TTC like, every other minute of the day and get back to focusing on work or I'll get KU and then can start googling pregnancy instead! 

(I vote for number 2.  Sorry, work.)

Can We All Agree?: Pie Chart Edition

Can we all agree that this is the best pie chart ever created?

If that song came on the radio right now I would 100% listen to it.

Pitiful attempt at cooking

So now that I'm a wife and all, I figured it was high time I learned how to cook.  Unfortunately, it's not going so well. I mean, we don't starve or anything (particularly since Hubby is somewhat of a grill master) and I'm not totally inept. I can make the typical easy meals: pasta, tacos, Shake & Bake...I'm kind of drawing a blank on what else right now. (Huh. Maybe it's worse than I thought...) Back when I was single I went out a lot and ate lots of cereal and pizza so cooking wasn't exactly top of the list of priorities. Now I'm old and boring and stay home all the time so I really wish I knew how to cook and liked doing it.

I'm gonna go ahead and blame this one on my parents because their rule when I was little was "absolutely no kids allowed in the kitchen" when they were making dinner and they'd scream at us (instead of just at each other) whenever we came near.  I don't blame them since they were stressed out, broke and had to feed four kids they couldn't afford so the last thing they needed was to have us underfoot, but as a result I now have a strong aversion to anything even resembling cooking and absolutely zero skills.

Here's my most recent pitiful attempt at cooking: 
Today I tried to make pot roast in the crock pot. Mistake.  First, I decided I'd combine two recipes since I found both of them to be unnecessarily complicated (Because the best thing to do when you have no cooking skills is to go off the map, of course). Then I went grocery shopping and while there, made a split second decision to change it to french dip with au jus and roasted veggies on the side because that would be "yummier". (My decision-making ability is somewhat questionable.)  By the time I got home from the store it was already 1:30pm so I had to put the slow cooker on high instead of low since it was so late. That probably didn't do me any favors either.  The largest problem though, was that I apparently bought the wrong cut of meat.  They had barely anything to choose from and I assumed that since the package said "slow cooker roast" that it would work. It didn't.  It cooked all right but was just a solid rubbery mass of beef and not at all tender and pot roast-y.  I also forgot to put the veggies in the oven on time so the meat was done and the veg was still raw. To top it all off,  I forgot to buy the french baguette. I am like a chef!

Here's what I was originally picturing for dinner.

Here's what we pretty much ended up with.  Hunk o' meat + onions in broth. Delish.

In the end, we just threw the whole thing out and ate Eggos and veggie sausage. 

Me thinks I will not be attempting pot roast again for a while.  I am so lucky my wonderful hubby is a decent cook or else we would be eating cereal and pizza even more often than we already do.


I'm hungry. 
 

Total Baby Fever

Today Hubby and I went to visit some friends of ours who just brought home their new baby boy.  Since we started TTC I've had lots of "friends"  (old college & high school friends who keep in touch via Facebook, and coworkers) who have had babies, but this is the first time I've actually physically been with a newborn for any length of time in the past 9 months and I have to say it gave me total. baby. fever. Holy crap.  I seriously want a baby NOW. 

BABY!

He was sooooo cute and sweet and I did NOT want to give him back to his parents. He just kept staring up at me gurgling and sighing and gripping my finger with his tiny hand and it melted my cold little heart.  Luckily I am not a full blown psycho so I did not steal him and run away but trust me when I say that I reeaaaaally wanted to.

Honestly I was a little worried the past few days about what emotions I would feel when we went today, but once we got there it was wonderful and all I felt was happiness for our friends. It was a long road for them including multiple rounds of IVF, bedrest for her and more than a month in the NICU since he was a preemie. Just to see them with their beautiful healthy baby was such a great feeling and I could not be happier for them.

Now I really cannot wait until it happens for us! Apparently Hubby can't either because the second we got home he jumped me, saying "I wanna go make a baby!"  I don't think I'm ovulating right now but who am I to say no? :-)

The naive, pre-TTC me

I find it pretty hilarious when I think back on how naive I was when we first started trying to conceive regarding how quickly I thought I'd get knocked up.

Hubby and I got married last June and started trying a few weeks before the wedding. However, it was an extensive conversation deciding whether I should go off the Pill then or 

wait until after the wedding because "how will I feel physically during the wedding and honeymoon if I'm pregnant? What if I can't drink? What if I have morning sickness? Shouldn't we wait to actually get pregnant until after we're married?"  
Oh, naive little me, how silly you were.


I legitimately thought that we'd be able to time conception perfectly so that our baby could be born in a specific month and I could neatly finish up the fiscal year at work before going on maternity leave. Riiiiight.

Now here we are, going on 9 months of trying and I realize just how dumb I was then. And it wasn't even all that long ago!  Now I would just be happy to get KU, period. I don't care what month I'd be due, I don't care what kind of mess I'd leave behind at work, I just want to get pregnant. 

[Huh - I just now realized that had we actually gotten pregnant on that first cycle of trying, we would be getting ready to welcome a little baby next month.  That makes me a little sad.]

Honestly, I'm not so sure I see it happening for us very soon.  Maybe I'm jaded because of my sister's struggles and subsequent infertility, maybe I'm discouraged by my charts and my body's apparent inability to ovulate on it's own, or maybe I'm just wiser now. Regardless, there it is.  I can already picture myself writing a "1 year mark" blog post about the things I've learned and how I've changed since beginning our TTC journey.  What was that I wrote last week about being a positive vs. negative person? ;-)


 

CD40 - WTF?

I don't know WTF is going on with my body.  I am having lots of issues lately: sore/painful/heavy breasts, sensitive nipples, fatigue, irritability & crazy mood swings, acne, abdominal cramping, body aches. A lot of this sounds like PMS but my boobs have never hurt like this before. Ever.  
Which makes me think - could it possibly be that I'm KU and my temps just don't show much of an increase? Naaaahhhh.  (I POAS this morning just to be sure and yeah, I'm right. BFN. Not a surprise.)  

So now I'm thinking either it's bad PMS or that all the extra estrogen, etc. in my body (because I keep gearing up to O and then don't) is throwing me for a loop.  I have no idea at this point.  
Hubs and I keep humping it out just in case I still O but it's taking a toll on both of us and I'm getting really sick of the disappointment of thinking I'm about to O (based on +OPKs, EWCM and temps) and then not Oing.  This has now happened four times just this cycle alone.  (I don't even want to think about how many times it happened in my last cycle which lasted 121 days.)  At this point I hope it is PMS and that I'll be getting my period. If my temps are correct that would mean it's just anovulatory/breakthrough bleeding but maybe my cycle could reset itself and I could start feeling normal again.  This is getting bad. I don't even want to be around myself lately.

Honestly, I guess there's nothing I can do about it besides just keep doing what I'm doing and try to be patient.  Easier said than done but I don't have much of a choice so I'll try!

"Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting."

Losing weight

Trying to lose weight SUCKS.  I know I can do it since I've done it before but it seriously sucks. Particularly when you have PCOS and your body is fighting against you every step of the way. 

When I got my blood test results back in Nov and learned that I have high cholesterol & triglycerides it made me get serious about getting healthy for like 3 weeks. I was getting more active, I was making good food decisions, I was keeping a food log, and I had lost 6 lbs.  Then the holidays hit. Then I took a mini-vacation with friends.  Then I just got lazy. Now here I am, a little more than 1 month after stopping all that and I stepped on the scale today. Gained 7 lbs.  Awesome.

I think normal people have to work to gain that much weight in one month. For me, it seems like all I have to do it eat a couple oreos and drink a bottle of wine and it happens. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I even bother trying but then I put on my largest pair of jeans (the ones I have lovingly named "fat jeans") and find that even they are getting tight. Oiy.  When that super sexy fat roll can't be hidden anymore with a loose fitting shirt it is officially time for a change!

Impossible.  She's skinny.

So I have started up my food log again and will ease back into exercise.  Eating better is the hard part mentally since sugar is my BFF but exercise is the hard part physically since I have a bad back.  I'm always afraid that one wrong move will put me flat on my back for the next month (seriously, that's happened more than once), or that I will end up looking like this lovely lady to the right ------->


I know I need to just suck it up and do it though because it's not just about being a certain pants size -  losing weight could help me ovulate naturally, which I desperately want to happen.  I also really want to be as healthy as possible when I'm pregnant so that my baby will be healthy, and I'll have an safer/easier pregnancy.  Finally, I need to focus on lowering my cholesterol & triglyceride levels so that I have a healthy heart.  There should be no reason to worry about that at 31 yrs old.

It all makes sense when I type it out but these reasons tend to fly out the window the second I walk into the kitchen at work and there's a delectable plate of cookies staring me in the face.  That's why I'm going to back to the food log.  It doesn't mean I'm going to eat perfectly all the time but at least I'll be conscious of the decisions I'm making and will be aware of everything that's going into my mouth.  

I started off on the right foot with a healthy day yesterday (even if I did skip Zumba so I could hump it out with hubby. But technically that's still exercise, right?)!

Vag temping

This is the first cycle I've temped vaginally instead of orally and I have to say, I have noticed a difference!  My temps are still up and down but instead of looking like an EKG like before, they now look a bit more like a sloping mountain range.
 

 Granted, there still has not been a temp shift to indicate ovulation but at least the temps are bit more under control and only vary by about 0.8 degree from high to low (during the follicular phase) instead of two full degrees like they did when I was temping orally. Damn mouth breathing!





The only problem with vag temping is that it is not very pleasant to have to rummage around between your legs when you're barely awake in order to stick a cold BBT in your cooch.  I only enjoy having one thing in there in the mornings if ya know what I mean, heh heh 

So while (1) that part isn't fabulous, (2) I always have to fumble around a little to find the hole (not kidding), and (3) the BBT screen always gets fogged up (haha! gross) overall, thumbs up on the vag temping! 


ASIDE: It's pretty funny how unfazed I am regarding gross things now that we've been trying to get pregnant for a while. Even the word "vag" used to be gross to me and now I don't even notice. This will probably come in handy some day when I have baby poop all over me.

Love/Hate Relationship with The Bump

Actually, it's not so much "love" as slight obsession and not so much "hate" as complete annoyance.  Sometimes I check the bump's TTGP forum many times throughout the day to keep up on everything that's going on and I feel compelled to give my two cents and be "known". But just as often, it annoys the crap out of me, I hate the dumb and/or repetitive questions and I feel like it's a huge waste of time to try to get to know random internet strangers so I don't even bother reading.

Usually I love the snark (which is why I prefer the bump to babygaga, etc.) but I get annoyed when it's just people jumping on the bandwagon to flame someone as soon as one of the regulars starts in.

Other things that annoy me: 

• Constant use of the words "totes"and "cray cray"
• People pretending something's funny when it's not
• People who are on there constantly like it's their job and/or make up AEs (why bother?)
• Over-eager newbs who are so excited to be a part of something that they unnecessarily chime in whenever possible (see second bullet point)

Things I love:

• Well placed Gifs and Gif wars
• Actually learning helpful info
• *Some* of the drama if it's actually funny (e.g.: fisting thread)

Overall, I'm guessing most people don't recognize me at all since I post so sporadically. If they do, it's probably only due to the pink ecard in my siggy.  Honestly, if I were to get my BFP this cycle I'm not entirely sure I would even start a post to let people know since they probably wouldn't care.  However, even though I am pretty convinced people don't know me, I do know quite a few of their personalities (online personalities, anyway) since, when I'm not in one of my "I hate the bump" phases I am a dirty lurker :-)

Acupuncture?

I think I'm going to look into acupuncture to see if it can help regulate my hormones/cycles and possibly get me to ovulate. I've never really been big on naturalistic medicine but I figure it can't hurt and if it gets to the point where my lady doctor starts talking meds I would rather exhaust other options first. After all, I've had back pain most of my life and was always resistant to seeing a chiropractor but I've made more progress seeing him once a week for just the last couple months than I have with years of Western medicine & physical therapy. Maybe I'll find something similar with acupuncture. I do have a couple friends who have tried it before and recommend it - one of them swore it regulated her cycles and she has PCOS too! 

Hopefully if I go I will look like this

instead of this

Eek!

Planning to wipe the doctor slate clean

I've decided I'm going to look for not just a new lady doctor but a new PCP too. If you've read my previous posts you already know why I want to find a new lady doctor.  The reason I want a new PCP is that I don't have confidence in her either. First of all, she's about my age. That's a little weird but I'd be fine with it if she actually acted like a DOCTOR instead of like someone who desperately wants me to like her. 

Listen girl, I do not want to be friends with you. When I take time off of work to come in I am not interested in hearing about what you did last night, I am interested in you telling me what to do about the weird rash under my boob!

Based on our conversations I really don't trust that she has any idea what she is talking about, and her telling me that she "still just can't seem to get the hang of their new internal computer system" does not reassure me of her competence.  

Another reason I kind of give her the side-eye is because she is extremely overweight. Like, probably needs to lose 100 lbs just to be in a healthy range. That seems weird to me. I work in substance abuse prevention. That would be like the equivalent of me telling people they shouldn't take drugs while I'm shooting up.

Unfortunately, the practice is very small with just a few doctors on staff so I don't feel like I can continue going there and just switch to a new dr. without feeling badly.  So even though it's only 5 mins down the road from my house, I would rather drive further to a new clinic to avoid an uncomfortable situation if it would give me peace of mind and make me feel like I'm in capable hands. 

As for my lady doctor; she sucks for reasons previously mentioned, so if I get a new PCP I may also ask for a referral to a new women's clinic (one that is preferably south of my house instead of north so it's more convenient to my work).  I'm not interested in having this lady's head in my hoo ha.

Heh, "Girls".

My sister's infertility

*I changed the original title of this post because I would hate for it to sound insensitive to anyone dealing with IF*

My sister and I are less than 2 years apart and have always been close friends.  For as long as I can remember, our plan has been to own houses near one another, get pregnant around the same time and then raise our kids together so that they’d be more like siblings than cousins. We had it aaaall planned out.  And it was going along swimmingly too until she learned about 9 months ago that she will not be able to have children. Whoops – didn’t factor that one in. 

I feel such a range of emotions regarding her infertility, but most of all is sadness since she had always pictured being a mother and now she finds herself having to map out a whole different future for herself than she had planned. This has not been an easy road for her and I’m sure it’s going to be hard every day for a long long time.  I feel so helpless since there is nothing I can do. It’s just so unfair and it makes me angry and sad for her.

I’m sad selfishly too, since we always pictured going through this huge life event together and now that won’t be happening.  She knows I am TTC and supports me and is interested to know how things are going (which I am grateful for), but it also makes me feel guilty that I’m still on this journey and hers has ended. And I realize that feeling guilty is sort of silly since at this point I don’t even know yet if I will be able to have children either but I can’t help it.   

I’m afraid too, that if/when I get KU and have children that our relationship will never be the same.  My other sister has a child and once she became a mom it seemed that we just could not relate to one another anymore. I don’t want that to happen with this relationship too. Not only would I be going through things that she has not experienced and can’t relate to, but I realize that it may be really hard for her to put on a happy face about any part of my anticipated pregnancy so she may choose to keep her distance. If that were the case I would understand but it would make me very sad.

I can only imagine how difficult this has been and will continue to be for her and I worry that she’s truly okay. We actually spent a lot of time today talking about all of this and I’m really grateful that she’s willing and able to discuss it with me but I’m sure it’s harder for her than she admits. I just wish there was something I could do.

Her situation obviously makes me think of my own too, and I can’t help but wonder if I’ll find out that I have the same IF issues that she does.  Only time will tell of course, but so far things have not been going smoothly in the TTC department for me and Hubby. Hopefully my PCOS with long, irregular cycles and anovulation will be the extent of my issues and can be fixed with meds eventually if needed, but who knows?  I’d be lying if I said that didn’t also creep into the back of my mind every now and then since this was the start of her problems as well.

Sigh...I hope that she will continue to be open with me about things and that she will always feel she can talk to me.  Besides my marriage, my relationship with her is the most important one in my life so even though this throws a wrench in our "plans" I hope we’ll still always stay close. 

Growing up in the 80's we totally thought of ourselves as Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield.

CD32 and no O in sight

Okay, I'm getting frustrated.  It's CD32 and yet again, my body geared up to O (LH surge, EWCM, total horndog) but based on temps, I did not O. This is getting old. What sucks too, is that we actually had great timing this time if I had O'd!  Since my CD21 bloodwork was a bust, I need to just wait until I actually O and then go in 7DPO to check my levels. At this rate, that will never happen.  If I hit 59 days  without AF this cycle I am calling the dr immediately for more Provera.  I'm 8 months in now, by then it will be 9 mos and then if my next cycle ends up being another 60 days with no O and no AF it will be long enough to get a referral to an RE and schedule an intro appt.  It looks as though this may not happen the good ole fashioned way so I need more testing to see what the heck is going on. I think I see an HSG in my future! Oh goody.

On the bright side, hubby watched The Great Sperm Race the other day while I was at work!  Afterwards, he said he had no idea that there were so many factors that had to go perfectly in order to conceive and it's made him much more interested in the whole process. I think it also made him understand why I do what I do (temping, peeing on sticks, reading TCOYF, getting bloodwork, making him do me on certain days, acting like a psycho) and why I'm starting to get worried. It also convinced him that he really should jizz in a cup to make sure everything is good there. My lady doctor previously gave me the SA cup and instructions to bring him and said he could take it any time and bring it into the lab but he hadn't scheduled it and I didn't feel like it was a huge rush either.  Now he's planning on doing it soon. Come on healthy sperm!

CD21 Bloodwork

Having bloodwork done on cycle day 21 only makes sense if you actually ovulate on day 14 which it seems like almost no one does even though that's what "they" say is the norm. 


My lady doctor told me to come in on CD21 so they could check my levels even though I told them I had not yet ovulated by that point and shouldn't I really be coming in 7DPO? But they said "no, no, we need to draw blood" so I rearranged my work day, rescheduled meetings, and worked from home that day so I could drive 45 mins north to get my blood drawn for no reason.  

The nurse (who I actually love, it's the OB/GYN I don't like) called me this morning to let me know that my progesterone levels are low and it looks like I didn't ovulate. Yeah, no shit Sherlock - I could have told you that. Oh wait! I did!



So now I have to go back for more BW 7 days after I actually O since that was a waste of time.  Meh.

Positivity vs. Negativity

I can't tell if I'm a positive or a negative person. I've always liked to say that I'm neither - I'm a realist! But I'm not so sure those are on the same spectrum.

However, reading back through my blog posts, they all seem pretty negative. Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to all of a sudden start posting puppies and rainbows but it does surprise me a bit.  

At work a few months ago, my whole team took a personality test of sorts which identifies your top strengths (out of a list of 32 possible ones) and I got "positivity" as my #4 top strength. I actually think that is quite accurate. When I'm at work I really am the person in the office who reinforces the silver lining in situations and motivates others.  
However, I also have the side of me which comes out here, that is more real and I guess more negative (?).  That doesn't mean that the positive side of me is fake but I have to wonder if that's more my outward persona and this is my inner self. 

I do think I have always battled slight depression.  If I'm being completely honest, life has never been entirely easy for me but I can't really define why that is. I've never talked to anyone about it and I don't think it's something I need medication for or anything but it has always concerned me a little. 
I attribute it to crazy out-of-whack hormones (confirmed by my PCOS and elevated estrogen?) so I forgive myself and just treat myself gently when I feel like that and wait for the feelings to inevitably pass. I am a little concerned that after I have a baby I could develop  postpartum depression though so I plan to talk with my doctor about that.

 Maybe I'm just over-thinking the whole positive vs. negative thing. I started this blog in the first place because I was feeling a little nuts with the whole TTC process and thought it could help.  It has been kind of cathartic for me so maybe I shouldn't bother analyzing and just treat this as the sounding board it was intended to be.   

I had to post one...

Forgiving and forgetting: Easier said than done

I have a pretty tight knit group of girlfriends but I am by far the youngest of them (I'm 31, they range from late 30's to late 40's) and I am also the only one who is married and TTC, so even though we're close we are in different places in our lives.  They know that I'm TTC and when I finally do get pregnant I know that most of them will be happy for me.  Sadly I say most will be happy because something happened about a year ago that I just cannot forget:  

One of my girlfriends just turned 40 and told the group of us that she was well aware that time was running out for her if ever wanted to have a child. During one of our get-togethers she announced to the group that she and her long-term boyfriend had discussed it and decided that they will not be having children.  Now I am not exaggerating when I say that the immediate reaction of one of my other (single) friends to this news can only be described as sheer joy. She literally jumped up and down repeatedly while clapping her hands and exclaiming "oh goody!".  I remember feeling my face flush in that moment and I can only imagine the expression my face held.  I was dumbfounded. I could feel everyone's eyes on me (whether that was actually the case or  just how I remember it is up for debate) and I didn't know how to react. Mid-jump I think she must have realized how insensitive that reaction would seem to me since I'm trying to have a child so she abruptly stopped and didn't say anything else.  There was silence for a beat and then the rest of my friends addressed the one with the announcement saying that that was good if that's what they wanted, etc. etc. I'm pretty sure I just silently nodded along with them feeling shell-shocked and then took an opportunity to slip away to the bathroom once someone changed the subject. Afterwards, no one said anything about what happened and my friend never addressed it with me or apologized.

Honestly, I'm not even sure that that's something that warrents an apology! Because I get why she's happy that our friend is not going to have children since she herself is single and is never going to have children.  She doesn't want to "lose" her friends to marriage and babies and have things change. I get that.  But I also know that at that time I truly felt like she had punched me right in the stomach and I just haven't been able to forget that it happened. I've tried to analyze my feelings since normally I am a naturally forgiving person and it really bothers me that a year later it still hurts and I still don't think of her in the same way as I used to. I also wonder if it's possible I just over-reacted and it's not so much that her action was insensitive but that I am overly sensitive to this subject. I just don't know.   

I think maybe the reason it hurts so much is because her joy about that announcement was her natural gut reaction. That is how she truly feels and I can't fault her for her true and honest feelings even though they make me feel like crap! The problem is that now I know it and I can't un-know it.  When I have a baby I now know that no matter how happy for me she acts, she is not actually happy. She will resent the fact that my life has changed and we will never be the way we were. But in my mind things have changed between us anyway.  I am ready and excited for this next step in my life and I really want my close friends to be behind me and to truly be happy for me and I don't trust that she is/will be.  It's a hard and sad realization and I just don't know how to move on from it.

New Years' Resolutions?

Nah. I'm not really one for making New Years' Resolutions. I figure if there's something I want to change about myself or my life, I don't need to wait for a certain calendar date to make that change. Of course, it's just as likely that that's total BS since if I don't make resolutions then I won't feel bad if I break them! Regardless, here are the resolutions goals I'm working towards:

1. Focus on eating heart-healthy foods:  This past Nov I went to my PCP for routine bloodwork and learned that I have extremely high cholesterol and triglycerides. I was surprised because A) I'm young B) I've always been pretty healthy/active C) I'm a non-smoker and D) It doesn't run in the family. 
I told my parents about my high levels and oops, oh wait, come to find out it does run in the family and in fact my father's levels are currently so high he should be on medication. However he's not because they're following what they call a "Mediterranean Diet" which pretty much means they eat a ton of olive oil, decide they are healthy and then never go back to the doctor.   They like to live in this lovely little world called Denial.
Unfortunately for me, I like to visit that world here and there myself so even though my PCP told me that I should think about potentially taking meds to bring down my levels, I told her I'd rather try to bring them down naturally through healthy diet and exercise and test my levels again in 6 months.  So I have until May to try to make a positive change. We shall see if this is actually a feasible endeavor. The reason why I really don't want to take meds (Statins) is because I can't take them while also TTC. If I have to go on meds I also have to go back on the Pill and what I want is to be KU not try to avoid being KU. 

2. Lose weight and exercise more:  Isn't this always a goal? Yes. However this time there's some extra pizazz behind it since I would like to prep myself as much as possible to have a healthy pregnancy. I'd really like to lose the 20 lbs I've gained since we started TTC. On top of that, I could probably stand to lose another 15 or so  but I would be happy with just the 20. Plus, my lady doctor pretty much told me I was a fat ass and that if I could lose some weight I might have more of a chance of ovulating naturally. That would be nice.  Additionally, I have a bad back so the stronger my body and muscles are, the less painful it will be to carry around a bebeh.


3.Work on being less defensive: Poor hubby. It appears that my first inclination is be immediately defensive if my brain interprets that someone is being even slightly accusatory towards me (it's particularly bad when I'm in the wrong- whoops).  Here's the most recent squabble we had as a result of that: Over the weekend Hubs was out running errands and I texted asking him to pick up a large tupperware-type tub so I could pack up Christmas decorations.  When he got home I helped him unload the car and no tub. When I mentioned it later he said he got some, I said no you didn't, he said yes he got two, I said no, he said YES he did the other day and they're in the basement, I said (quote) "OKAY, I didn't KNOW that!" (Kind of hard to express in writing so please read that in your most attitude-y voice). I don't know why I do that but I'm sure it's beyond annoying so I'm trying to be more conscious of it and react in an appropriate way when something happens. Appropriate response to that convo: "Great! Thanks love." Inappropriate response: anything else.

4. Pay down my student loans: Meh, we'll see how that one goes. For the last year I've been  making double payments (yay!) but it still isn't really making a dent (boo).

5. Get a new hobby (besides trying to get KU): It's possible I'm getting borderline obsessed with becoming pregnant. Hence the blog about it.  I'm not sure there's much way around that since I have a bit of an obsessive personality as it is and actually charting correctly does mean I have to focus at least some time on it every single day. I could probably tone it down a bit though so I should get a hobby. My problem is that I'm not really interested in much!  It sounds bad but it's true.  I love my dog and play with him a lot, I love to sing so I'm part of a community chorus. Other than that, I work, I watch TV, I read, I exercise (well, not yet really but I PLAN to!) and I (apparently) blog. I'm really rather boring!  Ladies on the bump have talked about cooking (which I hate), baking (which I love but I'm trying to be the opposite of fat), scrapbooking (for old people and cat ladies in holiday-themed turtlenecks), knitting (again, old people and cat ladies), and other miscellaneous hobbies that don't interest me.  Hubby and I are looking into maybe buying some snowmobiles so that could be a new joint winter hobby if we end up doing it! Besides that though, I'm fresh out of ideas.  I gotta give this one some more thought.

??? Your guess is as good as mine.

Can We All Agree?: KDash Edition

**I'm totally stealing the "Can We All Agree" thing from Skankopolis - highly entertaining website**

Can we all agree that the love child of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West is sure to be the spawn of the devil? 

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Ugh, these two should not be allowed to procreate.  To quote my hilarious husband: "They should just name the kid Asshole now and get it over with". The poor thing doesn't have a chance with those media whore/douchebag parents.

My Lady Doctor Sucks

I don't like my OB/GYN, aka "lady doctor"(Some clever blogger used that term and henceforth I am stealing it).  I'm thinking I may look into not just a new doctor but a whole new practice.  I like the practice itself okay and the nurses are nice but it's about 45 mins north of my home and everything else (including my work) is south so it is super inconvenient to get there. 

Here's why my lady doctor sucks: The first (and only) time I saw her was at the end of November and she did not leave a good impression on me. My last period was in mid-August and when AF hadn't shown again by the end of October I knew I needed some Provera to jump start my cycle so I went to see my PCP to let her know about the issue. She referred me to this women's health clinic so I made an appt and 2 weeks later I finally met with the new lady doctor.  My first impression of her was not good. After the nurse/assistant left, the lady doctor breezed into the room, visibly looked me up and down, did not introduce herself, did not shake my hand and said "Hi. What's the problem?" I proceeded to tell her that my hubby and I were trying to conceive, I had not had a period in more than 3 months, I was concerned I had PCOS due to x/y/z, provided her with some family history (including a sister with PCOS and another with diagnosed infertility), gave her a copy of my charts, and pointed out that based on my temps it did not look like I had ovulated at all. 

She took the charts, did not look at them and said "Losing some weight could help."  Umm, okay.  Now granted, I am aware that I could lose some weight but it's not like I'm morbidly obese and she was afraid I was going to eat her or anything (I'm a size 16)! I tried to ignore the bluntness of that statement (and the fact that that's all she said) and we discussed why being as healthy as possible when TTC is important, blah blah blah. Then we just kind of stared at each other for a few moments which was super comfortable since I love long silences.

When it seemed pretty obvious that she wasn't going to say anything else I started asking her very specific questions like: "Based on my charts, do you agree that it looks like I have not yet ovulated?" (answer: yes) and "Based on my symptoms, do you agree that it's possible I may have PCOS?" (again, yes). "Okay, what should be done about that?" (no comment). I asked her if we need to schedule an ultrasound to confirm whether I have cysts or not and she said they generally don't do u/s just to confirm PCOS and that based on my symptoms she feels confident in diagnosing me with it.  That seemed weird to me but I figured whatever- she's the doctor. So now I've been Dx with PolyCYSTic Ovarian Syndrome but may or may not have any cysts and the dr doesn't seem interested in finding out. Does that seem weird to anyone else?

After that I stopped asking her questions and she inquired as to why exactly I came in and I reiterated that the reason I made the appt in the first place was because we were TTC and I hadn't had a period in 3 months so I needed something to jumpstart my cycle. To which she said (here's the kicker!): "So you're here because you want drugs." Umm, I wouldn't exactly put it like THAT, but yeah. I would like some progesterone (a HORMONE) so I can have a period again which I haven't had in 90+ days! I don't think that's too unreasonable. So she said okay but that I should have a pregnancy test done before taking it to make sure I wasn't KU and then left the room. 

I'm pretty sure the DARE program made me more interested in weed, not less.

When she came back, she had another woman with her who I assumed was there to draw blood for a pregnancy test (since I had told bitch doctor, oh I'm sorry, 'LADY doctor' that I had already taken multiple HPTs and they were stark white). Come to find out, that was not the case, since after bitch dr. said "Sandy will take care of you" and left again, Sandy started filling out paperwork and asking me about my hubby's insurance. I was really confused for a minute until I figured out that she was there to talk about a sperm analysis which bitch dr had not even said a word about. So Sandy went through her spiel and gave me my papers. As she was leaving I asked if the dr was coming back. She said she didn't think so. Ooookay, thanks for the goodbye and super helpful information on next steps.

So I went to check out and while doing so, I realized I never had blood drawn. I told the receptionist this and she looked confused and said the dr hadn't put that on my paper so she went to ask her about it.  She came back and said bitch dr. said I should just go ahead and pee in a cup before I leave, which I did, but not before effectively getting it all over my hand and a few dribbles on my new pants. Awesome.

Fast forward to a few days later. I have my 10 day supply of Provera but haven't heard back from the dr. with pee test results so I don't want to start until I know for sure I'm not KU. I call the office, the nurse calls me back and says "What urine sample?"  I tell her what happened and she said "I'm sorry but we don't have any record of that and there's nothing in the lab."  Umm, alright, then what the hell happened to the warm cup of pee marked with my name and all my information that I gingerly placed in the stainless steel wall cubby when I was there?!  I asked her whether their results are any more sensitive than an HPT and she said no so I just went ahead and took the Rx and finally, mercifully got my period exactly 2 weeks later.

Since then I've gone in for CD3 bloodwork (but didn't have to see bitch dr) and will be going in again tomorrow for CD21 bloodwork.  Once I have my results back from them, if it shows there's a problem I think I'll likely call my PCP and ask for a new referral and then bring the results to the new place for next steps.  The fact that after writing this post I now think of her as "Bitch Doctor" is a pretty clear sign that I should indeed find a new OB/GYN since I don't think I care to have this one rummaging around between my legs.

Big props to the ladies of the bump's TTGP board since if I hadn't been lurking on the site, I never would have known any of the questions to ask and that appt would have gone even worse than it did (which is hard to imagine)!

Yep, I'm a blogger.

Why "Little Chicken" you ask?  Because A) that's what my hubby calls me though I don't know how that started and B) I couldn't think of anything better. He calls me his Little Chicken and I call him my Handsome Turkey.  We even engraved it in each other's wedding bands. Aren't we cute? Gag.

Mmm, Samoas...

So I've decided to go ahead and start a blog because I've been feeling slightly mental lately and figured this would be more productive than starting fights with Hubby or having a contest with myself to see how quickly I can eat all the girl scout cookies in the house.

(I would totally win that contest by the way).


Hubby and I have been trying to make a baby since last June. It's not going very well. Actually, a more accurate description is that we've been wanting to make a baby since last June. We haven't really had much opportunity to try. This is because sex is not exactly commonplace in this house. Frankly put, we almost never have it unless I convince him. He has chronic back pain (Degenerative Disc Disease to be precise) from a combo of bad genes and old hockey injuries which means even getting out of a chair is painful for him now, nevermind rapidly pounding his hips into his wife's lady bits.  The thought of oncoming pain doesn't exactly get him all hot and bothered and it probably doesn't help that I've gained 20 lbs since we started trying (did I mention I like cookies?) so he's not really salivating at the sight of me in my daily uniform of elastic waistband pants and oversized sweatshirts. 
Unfortunately I have back pain too (although definitely not as bad as his) so I'm not big on sexin it up either unless I happen to be either super horny or think I'm about to ovulate.  
When we actually DO have sex we're like two cripples for the rest of the day and usually he's out of commission the whole next day too. We're like 80 year olds. It's sad.



The other big reason I say we've been wanting vs. trying is because things are not so good in the whole fertility department yet.  I've had irregular cycles my whole life but I was on the Pill almost consistently from the age of 18 until now which always regulated my cycles just fine. Anytime I went off it for whatever reason, my period would usually come either every 2 weeks or every 2-3 months. Totally unpredictable.  I never really gave too much thought to the fact that this would be a problem until we actually started TTC 7 months ago. Um yeah, it's a problem.  My last cycle started on August 18th and did not end until DECEMBER 16th! That is a long. ass. cycle. And it only ended then because I finally got some Provera to force my body to have a period again.  I've been using Fertility Friend to chart my temps, etc. and based on my charts it appears I have not ovulated ONCE since we began trying. That is also a problem. Below is an example of how my charts tend to look with the crazy up and down rollercoaster temps (except without those lovely crosshairs):

This chart belongs to some random lucky biatch who actually Os

So the irregular cycles and anovulation coupled with the fact that I have almost every symptom of Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome in the book (including some rather fetching facial hair which likely does not contribute to my hubby wanting to jump my bones either) has led my OB/GYN to conclude that I have PCOS.




So then is it still considered "trying" to conceive when all I'm really doing is constantly reading, researching, and thinking about TTC, stalking the bump, temping every day, peeing on things (OPKs and HPTs, not like, an armchair) and lamenting about how f-ed up my body is? 

Also, even though we've been trying since June, we've still only had sex about a dozen times since I need to time it just right to both hit my (anticipated) fertile window and cause the least amount of pain to my hubby. And since I haven't O'd yet I haven't had a fertile window yet. So depressing.

Hmm, so far this blog is more just me complaining. Are you enjoying yourself yet? Tomorrow I will complain about my OB/GYN. Or maybe even later tonight if I get bored :-)