Reflections

2014.

What a year.

What an amazing and devastating year this has been for me and my husband.  The highs have been so high and the lows so crushingly low I don't even know how to describe them.

At this time last year I was finally pregnant for the first time due to IVF. All I felt was hope and happiness.  I had "beaten" infertility and only saw smooth sailing in my future.  But my path took a much different turn than I ever would have expected and thrust me into a whole new community: the Loss community; the TFMR community.  Groups I never would have wanted to be a part of but groups where I found strength, and support, and love. And I hope I was able to offer that to some of those incredibly strong women as well. Though I'm no longer very active with these groups I still think of these women and their children almost every day.


Three days really stand out in my mind this year: March 19, March 27, August 5.

March 27th, the day we said goodbye to Petey, was one of the hardest days of my life. But harder still was the day we found out we would need to say goodbye: March 19th.  That horrible day that I will never forget in that doctor's office.  I've never written about it in detail but that day is and will remain one of the most vivid memories of my life. Sitting there, hunched over on the edge of that ultrasound bench in that hot, darkened U/S room, crying harder than I ever knew was possible while we received wave after wave of horrible news about this little baby I was carrying that we worked SO hard for and loved SO much but would never get to see or bring home or watch grow. I disassociated partway through it and found myself looking down on the scene, watching myself slumped there, crying so so hard into my husband's chest; crying out every last ounce of hope I had for our future and trust I had in the world. It was... animalistic. It was without a shred of self-consciousness. It was the day that prompted the perinatologist to write in my medical history: "This couple is devastated."   That we were, Doc. That we were.  Losing Petey was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.

Heh, it sounds so simple to write that: It was hard. Yeah, hard.  But that word, in no way, can describe what it is like to experience a loss like this. To have to make a choice like this and then have to live with the consequences and the guilt and the pain and the sadness every single day.  There is no way to describe it unless you have been there. This is something that changes you forever and gives you a different perspective forever. I can understand why this breaks some people. Why they never "get over it".  I feel lucky actually.  Lucky that I am "okay". That I have been able to find ways to move on in healthy ways and that, though I love and miss my Petey and ache to hold him in my arms every single day, I am able to have perspective on my loss and my grief and be able to still live a happy and grateful life.

And I am grateful. Not for what we went through but for where we are now.  I am so happy to be 6 months pregnant with this little boy. I cannot wait to meet him and love him and raise him. HE is my unbelievable high for the year. 
Which brings me to my third unforgettable date: August 5th.  Not the day I found out I was pregnant again and amazingly, without infertility treatments this time (that was actually the following morning), but the day I saw my rainbow and felt hope for my future again. That day was a turning point for me in my grieving process and gave me strength to move forward.  I still struggle each day with being able to trust that everything will be okay but I have learned that there really is no other option.  What will be will be, good or bad, and I just need to live and be thankful for what I have.

I miss my Petey, my first baby, and I love him.
I am excited about this new healthy little baby I'm now carrying and I love him.
My relationship with my husband is stronger than I thought possible as a result of everything we have gone through together.
I have hope for the future.

What's better than that?!


The new year also marks my 2-year blogiversary; 2 years, 268 posts, 1487 comments, and more than 70 THOUSAND pageviews (that absolutely blows my mind)! 
Wow.

This blog has meant a LOT to me over the last 2 years: It has helped keep me sane through infertility and pregnancy and loss and grief; it has helped me sort out and come to terms with my feelings and move forward; it has connected me to some incredible, strong, and supportive women who have become real friends.

THANK YOU to everyone who has been a part of my journey. It has been a rocky road and your unwavering support and friendship has meant more to me than I know how to express.

Here's hoping that the hope and excitement I felt at this time last year and what I feel now will be my reality in 2015.  Happy New Year! :-)

Viability!!

So....I'm exhausted!

I had family staying with us all this past week and finally got rid of them said goodbye to them yesterday.  I spent the rest of the day with my feet up, watching football, and willing my house to magically clean itself. Now, I am back to work already and am tired and completely overwhelmed with everything I have to do so what am I doing instead? Writing a blog post, of course!

Here's this week's bump!

I am feeling...large. Baby boy is the size of a canteloupe which seems big and heavy to me.  
I am having some troubles rolling over in bed these days and my pillow nest is just not doing it for me anymore so I'm sleeping like crap. My hips are killing me when I lay on my sides (which is the only way I can lay) so to try to alleviate that pain I sit in the recliner but when I do that, the weight of my stomach makes it hard to breathe so there are literally NO comfy positions for me right now. Baby also seems to be laying in a way that keeps cutting off circulation to my right leg so I'll get up and then have to catch myself as my leg gives out.  Isn't all of this a little early to be happening?  I hate to say it but I am sort of already in count-down mode 'til April.

Apparently this is a whiny check-in post today. Sorry.

I also kept getting annoyed with people at Christmas.  All the women wanted to talk about was breastfeeding and how it's best for the baby (yes, I know, I plan to do it) and how it's sooooo easy (ummm, based on what I know from other new moms it does not seem like it is ALWAYS easy for everyone - particularly for women like ME with PCOS so please stop putting that pressure on me), and bugging me about what we're going to name him (we don't KNOW yet so STFU!), and my sister kept poking at my belly and asked me to lift up my shirt in front of everyone so she could see my belly button (which is still an innie BTW so nothing to see here except my stretch marks)... Gah! Maybe I was just bitchy and tired (oh, and also the only sober one there) but I was just very annoyed the whole time. And then my aunt made a comment about how this is the "best year ever!!" since I'm 6 months pregnant and oh isn't everything so fucking wonderful. I had to REALLY bite my tongue to not go off on her about how this has actually been the WORST year of my life and though I'm very grateful to be PG, we SHOULD actually have a 4 month old with us right now. Grrrrrr.....

Aaaaanyway, I'm glad that lovely holiday is over.  
Sorry for all the bitching.

On the bright side, I am so so happy to say that I reached VIABILITY!!! That feels good :-)  
And I've started to gain weight now and have my next routine prenatal appt with MFM next Tues 1/6 (where I'll also be doing the 1 hr glucose screening).  FX for a good fundal measurement and no GD!!

Grapefruit!

23 weeks. My baby is the size of a grapefruit!

He can hear me now so I should probably stop swearing soon.  Also, he can hear the dog barking! I find that really endearing for some reason and it makes me less annoyed when the pup won't shut up.

ONE WEEK TILL VIABILITY!!!  Granted, "viability" means that if something happens and I have to deliver there's still only a 50/50 chance of survival so a lot of women don't put too much stock in V-Day but y'know what? I do.  After already losing one baby this is a BIG EFFING DEAL to me and I can't wait to reach that milestone. I feel like once I hit 24 weeks every subsequent week is going to feel like an accomplishment and bring me that much closer to bringing home a healthy baby :-)

Here's my 23 week bump!:

It seems to morph. Sometimes it's really full and rounded but this week is more pointy. Not to be gross (but I'm gonna) but I think it has to do with how recently I've pooped. Constipation is my middle name lately. Or, y'know, diarrhea.  Feast or famine around here folks!

I still am not gaining weight though.  ::Sigh:: Whatever. I am eating what I can so I don't know what else I can do. I suspect that soon enough I won't be able to slow the scale down (right?) so no use worrying about it anymore.  My next appt is on Jan 6 at just under 26 weeks so I assume they'll start measuring fundal height and all that. I guess I'll see then if things are on track or not. My belly FEELS big though!  I certainly can't lay on my back anymore because it's too uncomfortable and cuts off circulation, and when reclining or laying on my side my ute feels so big and firm and full to the touch soooo... we'll see.

Awesomeness of the week: I think I've finally figured out my headache situation!! It's been a tough couple of weeks with that but I do believe I've narrowed it down to vision changes from pregnancy!  I've started wearing my glasses now whenever I'm on the computer, my phone, driving or watching TV and it has really been helping.  Unfortunately for my work life, if I'm on the computer too much during the day I still end up getting a headache even with the glasses so this has increased the amount (and length) of breaks I'm taking. Oh well.  And I really do have to keep it in check because if I start forming a headache it's all over. There is nothing I can do to make it go away and then I'm useless and miserable all the rest of the day and night. I'm so so relieved though that I think I figured it out!  Aaaaaand that I don't think it's blood pressure or blood sugar related! Hooray! Bring on the Christmas cookies!

Annoyance of the week: Yesterday my FIL posted a comment on my facebook page about how "soon enough the dog will be sleeping under little Jack's crib and they'll be inseparable" and some other crap about my pregnancy.  Note that I have not made our pregnancy public on FB. (Oh, and we have not decided on the name Jack!  WTF?!) I could have killed him.  LUCKILY, I just happened to check FB a couple mins after he posted it, thank GOD, and I deleted it.  (It was pure dumb luck that I logged on at the end of the day before I left work though. Normally I don't and I would have gone to dinner and then driven home and it likely would have been up there for about 4 hrs. Ugh.)  I have no idea how many people saw it but only 2 "liked" it by the time I deleted it - one was a coworker who already knows I'm PG since she's not blind, and another was someone I went to high school with and never talk to. Sooo, hopefully no damage done.  But seriously?!!  SO clueless.  My blood pressure probably shot up 30 points when I saw that. Oy.

22 week check-in

How Far Along: 22 weeks (+ a few days)

Baby is the Size of a: Papaya (measuring about a foot long and somewhere around 1 pound during these couple weeks!)

Total Weight Gain: No change: 2.5 lbs

Showing Yet?: Yes and there are certain days (like the day I took this pic) that I feel HUGE.
 
Maternity Clothes?:  Oh yes. I had to order more this week too. And I am learning horizontal stripes do not appear to be my friend, haha!

Stretch Marks?: No new ones

Rings?: Tight. I only wear my engagement ring now when I'm going out and take it off as soon as I get home.  Wedding ring is a little looser so it's still okay but leaves a mark when I take it off. I really hope I'll be able to wear it through the pregnancy but it's not looking good.

Sleep: Hit or miss as usual.

Symptoms: Good news: nausea is lessening! I usually only need Zofran in the middle of the night now and sometimes in the mornings.  
Bad news: I have developed bad headaches. The end of this week was actually a little scary because I was worried the (rather debilitating) headaches were tied to high blood pressure. I ended up buying a BP Cuff to use at home but it was a piece of crap and kept giving me bad readings which was upping my anxiety which, in turn, was upping my BP.  I exchanged it for a much better one and my BP readings have now been normal, thank God. It has not been a fun few days though - Hubs was scared to death that something was majorly wrong and I was developing preeclampsia and we'd lose this baby too. It was a little rough around here. BUT, my BP seems to be good and I think I'm narrowing the headaches down to blood sugar fluctuations. I'm finding I get seriously localized pain shooting through the left side of my head (near/behind my eye) when I eat sugar and also get headaches if I don't eat often enough. Seems to be blood sugar issues to me.  I wonder if this is indicative of increased insulin resistance and/or gestational diabetes? Oy.  For now I am trying to eat very little sugar, making sure to eat regularly, and am continuing to monitor my BP and take it easy just in case.

Food Cravings: SUGAR (of course).  Glazed donuts are still my only real craving but I don't think I can eat them anymore. Sad face. 
Though I am REALLY looking forward to making chicken pot pie this week. Random! haha

Miss Anything?: Just feeling normal/healthy.

Mood: Still good! (When I don't have a massive headache that is)

Best Moment of the Week: I decided to move forward and start buying stuff to decorate the nursery! Here are some of the wall decorations I've ordered off of Etsy. I think they are so cute and am excited to have decided on a theme and colors :-)

I'm sticking with the elephants and giraffes theme with grey/white chevron patterns and decided the colors will be the baby blue and apple green. The walls are actually already this same color as the pic too so it will look similar.  I love it! I'm excited!!

I also ordered this plaque from Etsy as a little "present" for Hubs. It melts me a little bit :'-)

So sweet.

Upcoming Appointments: I have to do my glucose tolerance test sometime in the next few weeks. Should be interesting. Next OB appt though isn't scheduled until Jan 6th(!) due to the holidays.  I'll already be 25 1/2 weeks at that point. That's 6 weeks between appts. Yikes. I wonder if I should push to have it sooner...?

What I'm Looking Forward to: Christmas!  We throw a huge Christmas Eve party every year for both sides of the family plus friends where we do a Yankee Swap and everyone gets hammered and stays overnight, then we do stocking presents to each other and a big breakfast in the morning :-)  This year will be the last baby-free one! I love our tradition but I'm so glad next Christmas should be very different for us :-) I can't wait.

21 week check-in

How Far Along: 21 weeks. It feels good to write that :-)

Baby is the Size of a: Pomegranate (about 10.5 inches!)

Total Weight Change: +2.5 lbs

Showing Yet?: Uh, yeah.  I'm getting congratulated all over the place by people I haven't told.
 
Maternity Clothes?:  Yes indeed. I made the somewhat unsettling discovery yesterday that I now have ZERO non-maternity clothes that fit me. I may have cried a little at the fact that I have so few clothes available now, and that it seemed to just happen overnight! I'm going to have to go shopping again. And this time I need maternity undies too :-(

Stretch Marks?: No new ones

Sleep: Not awful. Some nights I have "pregsomnia" and am up for hours in the middle of the night but other nights are decent.  Seems to be every other night. I'll take it.

Symptoms: Hip pain and lower body soreness. My hips are widening and man, can I feel it.  In the mornings I have a hard time walking. Also, nausea is lessening!

Food Cravings: Glazed donuts. All day, every day. And eating one doesn't even stop the craving for that day.  I cannot believe how much I crave sugar. Besides that I eat soup almost every day for lunch. I'm already looking forward to beef & barley tomorrow.  Ooo, with a nice piece of bread and butter.... yum.  (I am finally at the stage where I like food again. I'm hungry.)

Miss Anything?: Nah. Although Hubs mentioned that for a work dinner earlier this week he took his clients to a great Sushi restaurant. It made me jealous for a second. Then I ate some beef stew and was happy again.

Mood: Good and quite level!

Best Moment of the Week: (1) My coworker friend who lost her 4 month old son told me she's currently 14 weeks pregnant :-) I am so so happy for them.  (2) I bought our baby boy his first clothes this week :-)  And they are so tiny and adorable I can't even deal with it. Yay Cyber Monday sales!

Footie pajamas and onesies! Ahh!

Upcoming Appointments: Not until the end of the month at 24 weeks as long as there are no issues between now and then. It's just a routine OB appt plus the dreaded glucose tolerance test (boooooo).

What I'm Looking Forward to: Starting to shop for nursery stuff soon. We can't actually change the spare room into a nursery until after Christmas because we will be having lots of family staying with us but all bets are off after the 1st of the year!  Nursery, here we come!

Randoms: For the last month I've been going to weekly therapy appointments and they have been helpful in giving me perspective and having a chance to talk through my loss and fear with this pregnancy. However, during yesterday's appt, both my therapist and I came to the conclusion that I have made great progress and really don't need to be coming so often. I don't know if it's because of starting to see her or because I have passed my last milestones (anatomy scans and passing 20weeks PG) but I am just in a really good head space right now. I am able to focus on the positives and look towards the future, and now feel I have the tools to pull myself out of any depressive feelings that will inevitably come along.  I'm really proud of myself and also happy that I started seeing this therapist since I feel like she's helped me. We don't officially have another time set up until the New Year (but I can contact her if I feel I need to see her sooner). I'm happy with that.